Guys, we are so lucky we get to exist at the same time as Tom Hanks.
He stopped by The Ellen DeGeneres Show to chat with her about their careers, Neptune, and beards.
Just another day on Ellen , huh?
First of all, here’s something adorable.
Did you know Tom Hanks actually helped The Ellen DeGeneres Show happen?
According to he and Ellen, he stopped by her house to do a mock-interview with her. They recorded it and sent in a tape, and voila! Ellen was born.
Tom was also flabbergasted at why they had to do it in the first place.
“When you said that you had lost your career for a while—remember back when that was the day? When America sort of operated that way?”
He then made this face, which was the greatest thing ever. Thanks.
Now, Ellen is accepted for who she is!
“Yeah,” Ellen said. “They don’t mind I’m gay. They’re like ‘Okay.’ You know?”
The audience then erupted into cheers and applause. Happy Pride Month, guys, this is the content and acceptance everyone deserves!
They also did some math.
“And here, sixteen years later, or a full month on Neptune, here you are!”
Tom Hanks is scarily good at doing Neptune math. I’d follow him to Neptune, to be honest.
Ellen then smoothly transitioned to talking about his former beard.
It turns out that he had two beards, and there is a difference between them.
“That was last year’s beard. I had a whole other beard this year.”
Ellen then showed him a picture.
Tom had some things to say about this beard.
“That’s me in my natural state, playing number one, my evil twin. And number two, a malevolent maven.
It just looks like a bad guy, doesn’t it? Tough dude.”
He ditched it, though, because he took to combing his beard with his fork. Yes, really.
Trust me, the beard is relevant to the festival story.
Stay with me, here.
He had the beard for a role. He was shooting down in New Mexico, where he and his wife, Rita Wilson, also attended Stagecoach Festival. See, it’s getting relevant!
Rita performed at Stagecoach!
First of all, he was so proud of her that he immediately exclaimed, “Look at that!” when this picture popped up.
He said one of the best things about Stagecoach and Coachella is getting to wander in and out of various performances.
And while he was wandering, he got thirsty.
“I wanted to have…well, I wanted to have a beer, Ellen. A bucket of suds.”
The earnestness with which he said that cannot be overstated.
And so Tom began his quest.
He went up to “The place you get the beer from” (his words, which he also said with air quotes for some reason, probably because he’s Tom Hanks and that’s just how he is).
He went up to get a drink.
And apparently said, “Pull me a draw” because he’s a cheeseball.
Unfortunately for Tom, they couldn’t serve him. His ID at the festival hadn’t been verified. This left Tom very puzzled.
Very, very puzzled.
“I said, ‘Okay, I’m so confused, because it says ‘beer for sale’ here, and I’ve come to ask for a beer, and you’re not gonna give one?
Because, what, you think I’m underage?”
Oh my god.
He had a full grey beard.
“I said, ‘I’m 62 years-old, and you know my name, so I think I should be able to get a beer.'”
Nope. The women at the bar told him that he had to go to a tent and get his ID verified.
However, he wasn’t upset.
“I must give respect to these ladies, they did not cave.
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I was offering them tickets to stuff, and said ‘You will come to the Toy Story premiere with me. Just go like that with the red solo cup underneath and let me walk away with beer!'”
Ellen gave him some credit for being a nice guy and not arguing.
To which he immediately said,
“I argued with them for 20 minutes! I said, ‘Honestly, do you not have eyes? Explain this to me!”
“I don’t understand! My wife is performing in that tent in like 15 minutes!”
My favorite part is that he wasn’t mad about not being recognized as Tom Hanks, but that he was mad that they wouldn’t recognize he was in his 60s.
I’m not nearly that old yet, and even I get a little peeved when I get ID’d.
Good news, though.
After miming someone on a radio, he said,
“Eventually a guy came over, and he had a roll of red tape—which I could have got at a Christmas shopping place and done that.”
This guy ended up being Tom’s hero.
“And he gave me a bracelet, and guess what I did?” Tom asked — and I’m pretty sure everyone knew the answer.
“I chugged me a brewski.”
Check out the full interview!
