Yes, this is about to be a story about poop. But you clicked on it, so you have no one to blame but yourself, okay? Don’t shoot the messenger. Hex the messenger? Sure.
Anyway, here’s to wishing that JK Rowling kept some things to herself because this should be the new example for the phrase “Too Much Information.”
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Here we go.
We’ll start with Pottermore
In case you didn’t know, Pottermore is a site where JK Rowling deposits loads of information about the Harry Potter books that simply didn’t fit in the original series.
You can even get sorted, and find your Patronus there, too. (Hufflepuff, Tonkinese cat—leave yours in the comments below, thanks.)
Pottermore, like everyone in the world, has a twitter account
And it’s a nice Twitter account! Pretty wholesome!
They share tons of Potter news, keep us updated on little tidbits from the series and new movies, and overall provide some good content.
With great power comes great responsibility
To not. Tweet. About. Poop.
But unfortunately, we can’t grab a Time Turner and stop them from tweeting what they did, so we’re all just going to be stuck here with this knowledge for the rest of our lives.
Can you tell that I fully hate it? I hate it.
Here we go
Look, I warned you. I said to you, I said, “You have no one to blame but yourself.” I said it. And you clicked it, and now we’re here, and now you and I both know that wizards used to friggin pee and poop themselves and then just magic it away.
Are you happy?
The reactions were definitely mixed
And by “mixed” I mean no one wanted this information.
And no one wanted to have to examine it further, but they did, and now all of us know that the wizarding world just had kid poop in random spots.
I wanna thank Matt for asking the real questions
Like, given that wizards did this until the 1800s, some of the reactions to this are a bit overblown—no, no one pooped themselves in the middle of potions class with Snape.
But Matt here has the best questions.
I feel this tweet in my soul
Like yeah, this is funny as hell.
Yeah, I can 100% see the humor in wizards vanishing their poop. That doesn’t mean it isn’t horrifying, okay, witches and wizards?
Okay.
Anyway, one outlet had a simple question
And the means to get some kind of answer.
Buzzfeed’s reply was succinct, relatable, and from an outlet that oh by the way was going to be hosting Harry Potter himself, Daniel Radcliffe, later that month.
Fast forward to January 31st
28 days later. Everyone knows about the poop. People dug up earlier instances of JK Rowling stating this exact fact in a Pottermore section on the Chamber of Secrets.
But otherwise, the little factoid dropped on us has faded in our minds.
Something wicked this way comes
And then Buzzfeed dropped this.
While Daniel was at their morning show, AM to DM , to do promo for his new series, Miracle Workers, Buzzfeed decided to include that cursed tweet in a game of “Radcliffe or Badcliffe.”
(Basically, in his opinion, is stuff rad, or is it bad?)
Radcliffe or Badcliffe?
So naturally, Daniel was a little disgusted. And a lot amused.
He told AM to DM host Isaac Fitzgerald, “I didn’t know that’s what I was doing!” It wasn’t, Daniel! It wasn’t!
Daniel Radcliffe: King of being speechless
Daniel said, “I like—is that—did we, like…that, that is, you know. That is, that’s—I don’t like the implications—I, I filmed that character for a long time without knowing that that was a part of that character’s life.”
Getting the facts straight
Luckily, Isaac set him straight and reminded him that it was in the 18th century, not when Harry was kicking around Hogwarts. Still, Daniel said, “I do have many questions about it.”
The man has a good point
He asked, “Can we not just vanish it from our stomachs? You know, can we…I’ve got a few follow-ups there, definitely. And you know, yeah. I’m, I’m, I’m—I’m just not okay with the idea that we were just…where we stood.”
Take notes, Jo.
I’d like to be excluded from this narrative
Daniel finished by saying, “I’m Badcliffe on that. I would like to revise that little bit of the history.”
Dude, same. And the part where I had to read about it, too.
It’s not all bad
Because of this random fact, we got to learn a little more about the Chamber of Secrets and its original creation.
The installation of plumbing in the castle almost exposed the entrance to the Chamber, which used to be a trap door.
Enter Corvinus Gaunt
One of Tom Riddle’s ancestors, Corvinus Gaunt, watched over the building of the bathroom that would become Moaning Myrtle’s haunt, thus ensuring generations of Slytherin’s descendants would still know where the trapdoor was.
Now that the man himself has weighed in
Let’s take a look at some of the best memes to come out of that tweet, because I think we all need it right now. We’ll start with this one, which says it all.
Not even Hagrid would be that honest
You know what this also brings up? The issue of squibs, or people like Hagrid, who were expelled from Hogwarts. If they couldn’t (or were forbidden to) perform magic, then what…did they do…with their poo…
Wow here’s a comic for you
I’m upset, I’m horrified, I’m weirdly impressed at the sparkle and the color of blue used to magic whatever Snape just did on the ground away. There’s a lot to unpack here.
Some users just didn’t want it at all
I’m one of them. I have now saved this meme and will use it for good, I swear.
Like sending it repeatedly to Pottermore until I feel better, to be honest with you.
This is pure poetry
He’s right and he should say it.
But in all honesty, this entire thing was the exact hilarious piece of unnecessary information that we needed in this dark world of ours.
Even if it means picturing our faves pooping themselves from time to time.
And my favorite
And that’s a wrap, folks!
Hopefully this is the last time we’ll ever have a conversation about poo.
