Marriage is about the unification of two souls; a coming together of mind, body, and spirit that will last until the end of time — says anyone who’s never actually been married.
The rest of us, on the other hand, know better. So for those who know have come to understand the lighter side of marriage first-hand, here are 15 spot-on tweets that we’ll all be able to relate to.
It’s true what they say: husbands and wives really do have their own language.
“Being a husband means that sometimes you are required to answer questions like, “What’s the name of the guy from the place who does the thing?” – Twitter @Lhlodder
Sundays are made for football.
I can relate to this on so many levels. There’s nothing more terrifying than watching my fiancee lose at Fantasy Football. The things that come out of her mouth are truly shocking and terrifying at times.
When you finally get tired of eating nothing but bread and water.
“My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.” – Twitter @SladeWentworth
Don’t you hate it when this happens?
I’m a man of routine: my wallet goes in my back right pocket and my keys go in the front right side. One day, I spent an hour-and-a-half looking desperately for my wallet, only to have Megan pull it from out the left back pocket of my jeans — while I was still wearing them no less.
If you think you’re going to be racking up some extra “frequent flyer” miles — you’re solely mistaken.
“Married sex is like traveling,” Twitter user @daddydoubts begins. “It takes planning, the conditions need to be right, and everyone has to pee before getting started.”
You know it’s time to go and change when…
Why is it that women love asking rhetorical questions? If you hate what I have on, why don’t you just tell me! Better that than making me play this infernal game of mind-chess — give us a break!
If you’re asking my opinion, my vote goes to ‘The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills’.
“Instead of my husband asking me what I want to watch, he asks me what I want to fall asleep to & that pretty much sums up a marriage.” – Twitter @sarcasticmommy4
You did what?!
This man is either incredibly brave or unbelievably reckless. I wouldn’t dare eat my SO cookies unless I was looking for a quick death or a long drawn-out divorce.
Also, that sentence wasn’t meant to sound dirty.
That’s because children don’t come with a return policy.
“My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.” – Twitter @JessObsess
Sometimes, you just need someone to talk to.
At the very least, I’m sure that the mannequin was a great listener and seldom interrupted — if at all. It’s probably the most amount of words this man has been able to get in edgewise for years.
Now here is a man who really knows his lady.
“I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.” – Twitter @Parkerlawyer
Husbands and wives are always there to state the painfully obvious.
This one made me laugh because my fiancee is always the first one to announce “it’s green!” as soon as the light changes. If only she could be as attentive when she’s navigating using the GPS.
Marriage teaches you the art of adulting.
“We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer[sic] they are. This is peak marriage,” Twitter user @simoncholland said.
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Just think about all the extra storage space!
Honey, have you seen my…
I swear, once Megan and I moved in together — I lost all ability to locate my wallet. Every single day, I go through the same fear-induced panic ritual until she comes along and kindly reminds me where I last left it.
I’m not there yet, but I sincerely hope to be one day soon.
“You may be married but you aren’t married married until you are in a home furnishings store together and you brought your own tape measure.” – Twitter @simoncholland
