Most of us probably have some idea of whether our parents did a good job or not in raising us, but how do you know if someone else had bad parents? And let’s be clear here: parenting isn’t easy — there’s no manual, it’s often said — but their particularly bad failures tend to show up later in life in some unexpected ways.
Here are some replies from the r/AskReddit thread, ‘What are some common signs that someone grew up with [terrible] parents?’ that show some illuminating signs.
They can’t take a compliment
“Does feeling uncomfortable when receiving a compliment count? I feel like whenever someone gives me a compliment I go out of my way to convince them why I’m not actually deserving of a compliment. That or I will try to return to them an even bigger compliment that out-shadows the compliment they gave to me.”
– u/TheBoyChinWonderr
They can’t moderate their apologies
“They suck at apologizing.
“Either [that or] they apologize for every small little thing because their parents made them feel guilty just for existing.”
– u/SkoolieNomad
They’re way too empathetic
“Empathy but not in a healthy/normal sense. Growing up in an abusive household, I learned to be extremely hyper aware of everyone’s emotions so I could act accordingly so things wouldn’t escalate.”
– u/isaiahlanthony
They’re overly polite
“When I told my professor in graduate school that I wasn’t going home for Christmas he said ‘oh yeah I mean, your parents can’t be the best company, I’ve seen you apologize for being too polite.’ Like…yeah…”
They’re constantly apologizing
“They say sorry too much for things they shouldn’t even be sorry for, especially for things like opinions or asking for things they want.”
– u/quirkycircles
They’re sensitive to perceived bullying
“My husband was making silly faces and voices one day and my instinct was to ask if he was mocking me. I had forgotten till right then that my mother used to mock and make fun of the way I would talk sometimes. Lol I didn’t need bullies growing up. I had her.”
– u/clevernamehere123
Something insignificant sets them off
“Emotional deregulation is a big one. I have cried over some very minor things or have had explosive emotional outbursts because I didn’t have a healthy model for expressing my feelings when growing up.”
– u/locaprincesaa
They can’t relinquish control
“Control freak. They grew up in chaos (alcoholism, gambling, foreclosure), and are obsessed with averting some unforeseen disaster.”
– u/RaptureInRed
They close themselves off
“They’re completely unwilling to open up and share anything because in their experience it will always be used against them.”
– u/Oddant1
They’re commitment-phobes
“They don’t form attachments to others. They grew up in an environment where such attachments were a negative and or resulted in negative outcomes.”
– u/bozimthecalm
They’ll do anything to please others
“They’re a desperate people-pleaser. Someone who’ll leap to the aid of anyone, who’ll give up anything they have so that someone else doesn’t miss out, who will go well out of their way to be of assistance, and who abhors needing ANY help themselves.”
– u/GeebusNZ
When they don’t mention their interests
“Whoa… yeah, I guess I’m just realizing this. My step-dad would constantly make fun of anything I liked (e.g. music, movies, even the type of orange juice I preferred). Now, I don’t mention my interests to people because I’m afraid of being embarrassed.”
– u/OnyxArcana
When the past is a blank
“Not being able to remember the majority of their childhood. I’m talking about huge gaps of time you just cannot recall. I get it. Repressing the memories is just the mind trying it’s best to protect itself.”
– u/AJmermaid
They’re needlessly paranoid
“Paranoia, the inability to trust others and obsessively overthinking every conversation they have. Also— speaking from a personal perspective— people that grew up with toxic parents continue to question their sanity and reality here & there from the continuous gaslighting”
They’re afraid to make mistakes
“Make a mistake around my mum, in public it was the look, even my teachers saw the look and knew. She freaking knew and did nothing when I cowered. Over something small and stupid. At home it was full on hitting, screaming, getting in my face, destroying things.”
– u/Zanki
They don’t want to be seen
“When you grow up with parents that will yell at you for existing you develop the ability to hide your presence as much as possible and always try to keep your noise and visibility to a minimum.”
– u/FetishAnalyst
They can’t accept kindness
“They don’t understand simple gestures of kindness. Took my husband a long time to understand that my parents liked giving little gifts to people and doing things for them, that they weren’t trying to insult him or us or make us feel incompetent, they were just showing affection.”
– u/coffeecakesupernova
They’re liars
“They lie. Lies specifically for avoiding conflict. Actually, I change my answer to Avoiding Conflict. It’s avoidance until an explosion. It’s all they know.
“Some personal reference, I used to lie so frequently it was easier than remembering the truth. I would get mad at characters on TV for being so bad at coming up with a plausible denial. One day I decided I was broken and now I won’t lie.”
– u/ChurchillsHat
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They’ve been independent forever
“I was telling my therapist how my dad always says I was so independent even when I was a toddler, that I grew up on my own and he was proud of me for that etc. She goes ‘I’m sorry you were neglected as a child.’ I was like wow.”
– u/swim_and_sleep
When they don’t feel their feelings anymore
“Emotional numbness especially in the face of bad things. Once you’ve seen enough, certain things just don’t faze you anymore.”
– u/GargantuanCake
