Do you explain every little thing you do?
If you’re normal, of course you don’t. It’s better to ask for forgiveness than beg for permission and all that. So let’s celebrate the people who do what they do and don’t feel like they owe the rest of us any explanation .
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“Don’t call them pants.”
Looking at old ads can be a real trip. I mean, sure, I won’t call these pants because they’re obviously not pants, but what are they, exactly? It’s hard to believe this trend never took off.
“My girlfriend and I fought and didn’t talk for 3 days so I sent her an Amazon gift with this as the message.”
I guess it’s true: you really can get anything from Amazon. I wonder if this guy’s girlfriend can find an Amazon product to help them break up.
“Last year I forgot to get batteries for my niece’s toy so this year she got me this.”
If you play with fire — and giving a gift without batteries is most definitely playing with fire — don’t be surprised when you get burned.
“Or not…”
Perhaps this table really did break with just 810 pounds of load. On the other hand, maybe someone who weighs at least 190 pounds sat on it, bringing the whole fragile assembly to its breaking point. Hard to say, really.
“I mailed my sister one square of toilet paper and it was delivered.”
Why would you mail someone one solitary square of toilet paper? I want an answer, but I also have to go along with the theme of this list, which means I can’t ask.
“So just a hedgehog getting an X-ray.”
I’d never wondered how hedgehogs get x-rayed before, but now I have the answer to my un-asked question. Based on my experience with Sonic the Hedgehog, the critters are pretty fast, so it makes sense to tape ’em down.
“It warmed to 26 f and the pajamas are melting Matrix-style.”
People say that there’s nothing to do during the cold winter months, but that isn’t true. For instance, you can put clothes outside to freeze. Why? Well, again, we aren’t asking that question.
“This traffic sign in Virginia with a sense of humor.”
This sign reminds us of something important: it isn’t worth it to speed in order to get there faster, especially when getting there faster just means getting that much more excruciating time with the in-laws.
“I’m a truck driver and I like to leave three seashells in the toilet stalls at truck stops.”
This is a prime example of doing something inexplicable and offering no explanation for it. Across the country, people are going to be baffled by these truck stop seashells.
“The Easy Meal Solutions section is filled with nothing but cake and wine.”
If I’m at the grocery store and want an easy meal, I’m probably just going to come home with booze and sugary snacks. It’s like this display was made for me.
“I really need one of these nearby.”
I can’t think of a better way to advertise a store called ‘Unnecessary Necessities’ than a big inflatable green alien out front. Like, it might seem unnecessary, but after seeing it, you have to have it.
“The height of pettiness seen in a UK car park today.”
Yes, this could be seen as petty. But I prefer to see it as a historian making an effort to preserve the historical record. Without the sign, we might never know what caused that dent.
“My doorbell rang tonight and a bunch of teenagers handed me this award.”
In my day, teenagers rang random doorbells to play ding-dong-ditch. Now they’re ringing random doorbells to give out heartfelt awards? I feel like the world is passing me by.
“The old are often a well of wisdom.”
I think most of us know that Google has this, uh, function, and uses it as they see fit. But for the young, old or computer illiterate, this guy’s shirt is a true font of wisdom.
“Today I [expletive] up.”
Shopping at Ikea with a compact vehicle is a dangerous game. You’ll see so much desirable Swedish furniture but will need to stay aware of how big your car is. If you go nuts with your purchases, you’ll wind up like this person.
“My initials are DT, husband is FT. My poor, sweet dad gave us this stationary for Xmas.”
I don’t know if it necessarily applies to this couple, but for some people, sending stuff out on ‘DTF’-emblazoned stationery sends the message they want to send.
“My mom got me Super Mario Sheets for Christmas. I’m 22 and have been living in my own apartment for 4 years, so I looked confused and disappointed. She said ‘What? It’s not like anyone else is going to see your sheets’ and now I don’t know if that was ignorance, an insult or innocence…”
This story is a wild ride. I think this guy’s mom wants him to stay single forever.
“My GF: ‘I couldn’t fit it in the freezer.’ I hereby apologize to the whole French nation.”
Baguettes can be cut with a knife or even torn with hands in order to make them more accessible, but folding them in half somehow feels sacrilegious. At least this person apologized to France.
“I don’t know that I’d want to live on this road in Colorado.”
Someone had a lot of fun naming this road. For those who have to live on it, though, I’m not sure it’s so funny. Ordering a pizza here would just be awkward.
“This man just plugged a toaster in and started toasting in my class…”
We all want to be people who just don’t give a crap, and we should treat this guy as our guide. Want toast? Got a toaster? Just find the nearest outlet and pay no mind to the haters.
