Relationships are hard. No matter how many movies tell us that opposites attract or obstacles can be overcome with a bit of wit and love, real life is messy.
That’s why it isn’t surprising that so many relationship questions end up in the subreddit r/amitheasshole . Because sometimes you’re just not sure who is in the wrong.
And when you add life support into the mix, it gets even harder, which is what a user named tellze discovered.
He explains that his girlfriend Anna (not her real name) was in a terrible car accident a year ago. She never woke up and was placed on life support.
Tellze and his girlfriend’s family were devastated.
Tellze stayed by her side for months, but eventually, her parents told him that it was okay for him to move on.
He’s only 20 and they thought he needed to move forward.
“So after a lot of therapy and reaffirming my belief and faith in God, I put myself back out there. I eventually met a new girl who I loved (Katie), and I saw a lot of traits in her that I saw in my ex.”
Then recently, Anna’s parents told him that they were removing her from life support.
Tellze had been honest with Katie about Anna, so she wasn’t surprised that he needed to be there when it happened.
Even if he’s considered her his ex for months, Tellze still needed closure and a proper goodbye.
“When I got there, I kissed Anna’s forehead, ran my hands through her hair, and told her I loved her. “
It was an understandably emotional send off.
“After the the doctors removed her tube, it was extremely emotional for all the family and me. I kissed her again (on her lips), and just whispered again ‘I love you’.”
Later, Katie came with him to Anna’s funeral, where he gave a eulogy and once again said that he loved her.
Afterward, Katie confronted him about the “I love you” and he admitted to the goodbye kiss at the hospital. Angry, she accused him of cheating on her and went to stay with her parents.
Her reaction surprised him.
“This was not my intention at all though, I just wanted Anna to know (if she was even conscious) that I loved her, and would see her again.”
Tellze didn’t see his actions as anywhere bordering on cheating.
“The kiss was not ‘romantic’ or ‘sexual’, it was just a final goodbye, I wanted more than to just touch her hand once last time.”
Complicated situation, right?
At first, people leapt to his defence, saying he couldn’t be the asshole in this case because Katie was jealous of a woman who was dead. Accusing him of cheating is silly.
Others empathized with Katie’s feelings.
Even if they thought the cheating accusation was a bit much, they wondered if they could have sat there and watched their partner saying that they loved someone else in a heartfelt eulogy. Being confused and a bit hurt would make sense.
A few also pointed to his description of Katie having a lot of the same traits as Anna.
It sticks out because it could be a sign that he wasn’t quite ready to leave Anna behind and was confusing love for Katie with the lingering love of those similarities.
I don’t think this is a conscious thing for him, but no matter how much therapy you have, sometimes you can’t know if you’re ready to move forward until you try.
After the break-up f my longterm relationship, I thought I was ready to date again only to realize after trying that I actually wasn’t.
And my situation was far less emotionally complicated.
“The problem is that people confuse moving forward as ‘moving on’,” said thatgirl829.
They noted that tellze’s breakup with Anna was technically only because she was brain dead. He tried to move forward, but wasn’t ready yet.
I’m not sure how you could be ready when your “ex” is still breathing, even if only through a ventilator.
No matter how much you try to move on, there will always be that unmoored ball of emotions clinging to the love you still feel for that person and to the guilt you may have for “abandoning” them.
I don’t know what happened with Katie since tellze posted his question, but I hope they had a good talk.
They are both young and inexperienced in a situation that is incredibly complicated.
As many people pointed out, the situation is terrible no matter what, especially given how young they are.
There are awful situations in life where you won’t ever be able to do it ‘right,’ because there’s no ‘right’ way to do it. Hopefully everyone involved can heal and move forward from this tragedy.
Perhaps that final goodbye with Anna will be the closure he needs to truly move on, maybe with Katie and maybe not.
Personally, I think there are no assholes here, but just a young couple dealing with a very confusing and motional situation.
