I know it only really just started, but this year has already knocked me on my ass several times. There’s a lot going on in the world right now that makes being a bubbly optimist incredibly hard, but I’m still going to try my best.
So, let’s all think about how Daylight Saving is coming up, which means it won’t be getting dark at 5 PM anymore. That’s pretty good right?
Okay, if that wasn’t enough to put you in a better mood, then maybe these hilarious tweets from women will do the trick. But if they also don’t work then I’m sorry sis, I don’t think there’s anything I can do to help you.
Everyone loves gossip.
My favorite part of the day is when I come home to my boyfriend and we both get a glass of wine and share the juiciest news from our day.
The best part about being in a relationship? You get twice the gossip.
Disrespectful.
My cat has absolutely no problem suffocating me with her furry little body while I’m trying to sleep but the second I try to give her back a little scratch, suddenly I’m being unreasonable.
Narcissistic tendencies.
I fought this battle all through high school and in the end, it turned out that no one had a crush on me at all so that was definitely some wasted energy.
Getting bangs is an automatic bullet.
You don’t know true rage until you’re standing in front of the mirror trying to style a new haircut that hasn’t looked good since you left the hairdresser’s chair.
It’s showtime.
Other words you don’t want to say to me include “calm down” because you can bet I will instantly do the damn opposite. Don’t try me.
That’s what voicemail is for.
I can’t remember the last time I actually answered my phone, but I’d be more than happy to send you a text ten minutes later saying, “Omg I’m sorry I missed your call! What’s up??”
What’s she doing?
And odds are she’s playing Adam Sandler’s love interest.
I was severely misled.
I also thought my friends and I would brunch together every day but the idea of being able to somehow gather four adults into the same place at the same time without at least one person being unavailable is just so unrealistic.
Every time.
I also like to throw in “no problem” so the person knows that what they’re asking me to do is actually a huge problem for me.
I hate that I know I’d do the same thing.
One time I was at the doctor’s and at the end of the appointment we both stood up and he opened his arms and I was like, “Oh cute, he wants a hug.” So I hugged him. Turns out he was just stretching.
I haven’t been back since.
He cracked the system.
I also never saw the gym teachers at my high school wear anything besides comfy workout gear. Meanwhile every other teacher had to dress in ties and blouses and honestly, I think I just talked myself into being a gym teacher.
Why do we all do this?
It’s sort of comforting to know that everyone else in the world also makes a tiny “to-go box” with their hands, just in case the waiter is confused by our description and needs a visual aid.
We should have never domesticated plants.
Now they’re all weak losers who give up on life the second we forget to water them.
Those were the days.
I also miss having absolutely no bills and being able to ride that $200 for months without worrying about my debit card getting declined at Burger King.
“Prove it.”
Sick days are great in theory but in practice? Not nearly worth the third-degree you get from your employer. You better be ready to cough on the phone because you have to sell yourself to get those eight hours you need at home.
It really be like that sometimes.
“Worry! at the Restaurant” hit me especially hard, but keep an eye out for my other favorite band, “Cry! In the Workplace.”
It’s just not realistic.
I need to go lie on top of my bed, naked in my robe with my hair in a towel for at least an hour before I’m even remotely ready to try and force my feet into socks. And y’all doing it right there in the bathroom? Are you O.K?
DIY weighted blanket idea!
Not in the mood to do laundry? No problem! Just lie under all the dirty clothes you let pile up in the corner of your bedroom for three weeks.
I think it’s time we all talk about Carrie.
Why did we all just pretend she was somehow the most fashion-savvy member of the crew when she was wearing arguably the worst outfits of the entire cast?
She’d be wearing some 80s prom-looking nightmare of a dress and be acting like she just stepped off the cover of Vogue because she added a hot pink belt to it.
Know the risks.
Those aren’t great odds, but you’ll still probably find me shopping for Doritos at 3 PM on a Sunday in my finest stained track pants and my boyfriend’s hoodie. When did I last wash my hair? God only knows, sis.
It’s that simple.
Other very important lifehacks include being born white, conventionally attractive, and also white.
That’s right, bet you didn’t expect this list to go there today.
So maybe calm down.
I think it’s safe to say she brought enough sass to share with the whole damn class.
Carrie hits different though.
You’ll never see me throw my heart and soul into a song as hard as I do when “Before He Cheats” comes on because even when I was 13, I knew someone had done Carrie wrong and she deserves better.
Y’all deserve better.
Why do we all just sort of accept mediocre men when we ourselves are anything but mediocre?
We need to have a meeting about this.
Mistakes were made.
Look, I’m not saying I hate past-me. But she was obviously feeling awfully ambitious when she agreed to not only go out for drinks on Saturday night, but for brunch on Sunday morning too.
Know our limit, sis.
My bad.
You would think I’d know better by now but I still make the same mistake every time I walk past my couch.
I don’t know her.
We’re pretty much two different people. Can’t tell who’s who? Well, she’s the one who’s going to sit at the window and glare outside until she sees that UPS truck come rumbling down the road to deliver her that zucchini spiralizer she ordered.
We’ve all been there.
You wouldn’t be a good girlfriend if you didn’t stalk your boyfriend’s exes. You’re just doing your job and I respect you for that. Here’s a link to my Facebook too so you can really dive deep.
What happened?
12-year-old me was cross-multiplying like it was her day job but adult-me needs to whip out my phone to do “mental math”??
Every time I eat, sis.
You know it’s a good meal if you stop to take a breath halfway through and realize you’re literally out of breath.
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Not-so-pretty in pink.
Honestly girl, I hate to tell you this but I think you might be losing this case. May I please direct the jury’s attention to where it says ” poster paint ” on the damn label???
Every day is a dentist’s appointment.
I can’t think of anything worse than being married to a dentist because he will definitely check to see if your toothbrush is wet before y’all go to bed, and you just know he’s going to be on you about scraping your tongue.
It’s just not worth it.