Let’s get one thing straight: I’m no animator. Heck, I’m probably the last person you want on your team for Pictionary. Kindergarteners bring home more technically skilled drawings than I do.
That being said, I do have 20/20 vision, which means I’m still qualified to judge all the mediocre CGI effects that animators put out in front of me.
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1. The video game-esque Scorpion King in The Mummy Returns (2001).
One minute you’re enjoying watching Brendan Fraser wrestle a sexy, undead ancient Egyptian, and the next thing you know, you’re in The Mummy Returns video game for PlayStation 2!
The Rock deserved better.
2. The baby/demon hellspawn from Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (2012).
Sorry, I mean the daughter of Edward and Bella Cullen, Renesmee.
The animation for this creature looks like it belongs in The Polar Express … Straight To Hell .
Get away from it, Bella! It’s going to eat your face!!!
3. Mister Fantastic’s arms are a real stretch in Fantastic Four (2005).
From an animator’s perspective, I’m guessing it’s near impossible to make somebody’s arms stretch 15 feet and still have it look realistic. How could something like that not reek of cheesiness, you know?
Maybe if the movie had been better, I wouldn’t be so bothered by it.
4. I’ve completely blocked out the monkeys in Jumanji (1995).
In an otherwise excellent movie, the monkey animation is a blip on the radar. Still, their cartoonishness is difficult to ignore when watching the film over 20 years later.
And yes, I’m aware the film came out in 1995. These primates probably looked pretty alright back then.
5. Ruh Roh! Scooby’s CGI is super-cringey in Scooby-Doo (2002).
I understand that this is a kids’ movie, but why should 8-year-olds be subjected to crummy CGI any more than adults?
I actually have a recurring nightmare which is just a compilation of Scooby scenes from this film.
6. The phantom mustache in Justice League (2017).
You knew it was coming.
If someone showed me a photo of just Henry Cavill’s upper lip, I would be able to identify him in seconds. Obviously, I spent a lot of time ( all the time) staring at it during the movie.
7. Wolverine’s cartoon claws in X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009).
As a principle, I typically refrain from uttering anything negative about Hugh Jackman.
But even I have to admit that the claws in this film look like they came straight from the comic book.
8. The “surfing” scene in Die Another Day (2002).
Every time I watch this scene, I imagine Pierce Brosnan dangling from a harness in front of a green screen while set assistants with hoses spray water at him.
Then I laugh.
9. The Hulk in Hulk (2003).
Sigh , will we ever get a half-decent Hulk movie, or am I just going to have to settle for Thor: Ragnarok ?
Sorry, I digress. Let’s just say it’s no fun watching Pixar’s Green Giant stomp around in Hulk .
You’d think it’d be, but it’s not.
10. The rather disappointing battle at the end of The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies.
Compared to what we saw in the Lord of the Rings films years earlier, this one’s a bit of a letdown.
Everything feels so copy-pasted, and the result is a dust cloud of half-hearted CGI.
11. Pretty much every single one of Neo’s fight scenes in The Matrix Reloaded (2003).
Every time Neo does a really cool move, he turns into a video game character, alright?
I mean, they are in the Matrix, so I guess that’s fine…
12. All the CGI sacrilege that was the re-released version of Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope.
Personally, it was the unnecessary creatures they added to the entrance scene in Mos Eisley that ruined it for me.
I could do without the big, ugly, desert dinos, thanks.
13. When Harry Potter gets tossed around by the troll in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (2001).
Even my 9-year-old self thought this scene was pretty lame. And I was a pretty lame 9-year-old, so that’s saying a lot.
14. Remus Lupin as a werewolf in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004).
Don’t light your torches just yet, Potterheads.
Actually, I think the Remus’ transformation is pretty darn good, especially compared to Van Helsing’s (sorry, Hugh) transition .
Remus’ final form, however, needed a bit of work.
15. That scene in Escape From LA (1996) when Kurt Russell “surfs” a tsunami.
Sorry, Kurt, ain’t nobody realistically surfing a tsunami in 1996.
James Bond couldn’t even do it, and that was nearly 10 years later.
16. And finally, The Polar Express (in general), because I think the entire thing is creepy AF.
Human OR cartoon — pick a side, Polar Express .
Essentially, the movie follows a bunch of possessed dolls who are really into Christmas. It’s like one giant cast of bad CGI characters.
Sorry ’bout it!
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