My cousin’s wedding is coming up on Saturday. I am guaranteed to be asked by some distant relative where my partner is. I don’t know if I can commit to someone forever — or if they can commit to me. If I do get the chance, I hope I’m an entertaining wife.
Oops, were you hungry?
I will try my best to think about the good of two people. However, when it comes to food, I have a me-first mentality. Sorry in advance!
I need to know, ASAP!
I’m going to have many questions you should be ready to answer. Yes, they might be ridiculous, but it is ’til death do us part…
If you really love me, accept my priorities
As I mentioned before, animals come first. If my cat has taken your preferred seat, you will do well not to disturb him.
Oh, boy…
I just really hope it never comes to this. To be totally honest, if I have to help someone out like this, I’m willing. Are they all this doomed?
I’ve already started
If a husband says that he’s “not in the mood,” chances are a wife got there long before he did. Brace yourself for a volcanic eruption, people.
Without a doubt
If baking is on the agenda, you might as well spice it up a bit, right? Be prepared for a mildly buzzed wife… plus 100% burnt bottoms.
Anything to get my beauty sleep
If I have to share a bed, there is no guarantee you will not get squished — or even have an adequate amount of blankets.
Sorry, I can’t cook
If you expected a chef, you should know that will never be me. Here’s hoping that neither of us end up starving. Thank goodness for delivery.
Game on
If you put a ring on this finger, you got yourself a lover of games. Except for games involving Nerf guns, because I’m too much of an easy target.
Plot twist: ALL MINE!
I have trouble sharing things that I love, and doughnuts are one of those things. In the event that I actually share with you, it’s love!
Adopt ALL the pets
You know what the best thing about having a partner is? A partner makes it acceptable to have four cats instead of two! I always want the maximum number of socially acceptable pets.
Oops
Well, they do say “happy wife, happy life.” Isn’t marriage really all about sharing anyway? I’m pretty sure I won’t be that bad — but, well… I can’t promise anything.
I want credit where credit is due
I’ve also heard that marriage is about working together. If it was a joint effort, my name should be somewhere in the credits.
Just don’t do it
Watching shows is a great way to bond, and who would want to mess up that opportunity?
P.S. I can, but you can’t. It’s more fun that way!
What’s yours is mine and mine is yours.
And by that I mean, I will eat your fries, but don’t you dare touch my dessert!
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Animals come first!
I like to help every animal in need, so don’t be surprised if our house resembles a scene from Dr. Doolittle . I don’t take no for an answer.
Just because it was $50 dollars a plate doesn’t mean you have to pretend to like it…
Let’s be honest, no one — and I mean no one — actually likes arugula!
It’s not always tough love…
There’s no cheese on those nachos because that line is cheesy enough!
Don’t expect any apologies from the this girl.
No words needed. Eyeliner/brows runs on its own time!
Memes send the message loud and clear.
It’s not passive aggressive if it’s funny, right?
To heck with Valentine’s day clichés!
![Image credit: Reddit | [deleted]](https://static.diply.com/ltDCXIHmf2aCVFRENiup.jpg)
Yes, shower wine, because no one can tell you how to live your life!
This girl knows that a good Cabernet Sauvignon is a way better investment than an expensive hair mask!
That’s right! You tell him.
Beyoncé knows what’s up. If you can’t treat me right you can move yourself to the left, to the left… and right out the door.
It’s not just boyfriends who get overprotective
These days, we don’t mark our territory — we tag it!
It’s a war that every couple wages…
![Image credit: Reddit | [deleted]](https://static.diply.com/6anNdgZCEugtTvkTffbI.jpg)
It seems like a good idea…until he pees all over it
When it’s time for “the talk…”
I already do this to my boyfriend, I’m surprised he still falls for it.
Jealous much?
Overly attached? Nah, overly romantic!
When she sends love letters through Snapchat ♥
When she can top your expectations!
The “shaming” of her boys…
This die-hard Die Hard fan is goals.
“Change the air filters, we’ll get together, have a few laughs.” Well, I suppose she will, at least. And that’s still less of an ordeal than anything John McClane had to go through.
Every husband wants a personalized gift, right?
I guess it’s a helpful reminder of what he’ll spend most of his time doing while he’s wearing them. Or it’s just showing a healthy appreciation for farts in general. Whatever works.
Couch potato sandwich…
Also, I can’t stress enough that no household is complete without a giant Mario statue. I mean, how else can you get that peace of mind that your home won’t be invaded by evil turtles?
That’s a pretty good system!
Especially with the little happy and sad faces for that extra personal touch. Other than the jersey, though, I’m also kind of curious about what makes the other things bad for work.
Another good way to get organized — just go with the flow!
I feel as if it’s biased toward a certain result, though. I know it’s a serious accusation but sometimes you’ve just gotta go with your gut, you know?
