Luckily for audiences (and even luckier for Disney), Marvel seems to have a pretty good handle on what makes a crowd-pleasing superhero movie work.
And unluckily for DC and Warner Bros, “dark” and “gritty” aren’t really a part of that equation.
Seriously. It took ten hours of screen time to get these characters standing together and smiling.
Only ten? Felt like a solid thirteen.
1. We’ll start with an easy one.
I don’t care how frustrating it is to carry on a conversation with Tony Stark (and I’m sure it is frustrating), this is the face of a man who just realized that if those shorts are tight now , he’s gonna have a bad time when he turns green.
Verdict: Wedgie
2. See, I’d be tempted to say that this is just the staring-at-nothing mental focus that Brandywine Crinklecats needs in order to cast his spells.
But that expression is suspiciously close to my “If nobody’s looking at me in the next five seconds, I am gonna yank these undies out ma butt ASAP” look.
Verdict: Wedgie
3. This one could honestly be both, I’m not sure.
When you think about it though, “jumping backwards off a building” is more stressful than a wardrobe pinch.
Verdict: Angst/Gravity
4. I know, technically this scene from Spider-Man 2 isn’t part of the MCU. But how could I possibly go any further without addressing this face?
Because train or no train, there is no way that Spidey is rocking a web-free booty right now.
Verdict: Wedgie/Intense Train-Related Emotions
I hate to let down my man Spidey, but frankly, he said it himself in the same movie.
His words, not mine. Deal with it.
5. I guess we’re gonna have a hard time reading Iron Man’s body language here, so let’s focus on Bucky.
Now, he does have one of the more comfortable-looking suits — lucky for Bucky — and that looks like genuine confusion, not “Uh-oh, am I getting a wedgie?” So I think he’s in the clear, if you know what I mean.
Verdict: Angst/Mild Confusion
6. I’m pretty sure that meeting the Grandmaster is pretty stressful.
So even though I know that Thor was strapped to the chair and definitely couldn’t adjust his royal britches if he was uncomfortable, this one has to be the hallucination-intro he’s going through.
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Verdict: Angst/Incoming Goldblum
7. OK, now here’s a no-brainer.
Street clothes, so there are no superhero tights to complicate the situation? Check. Trying to stop your boy, the Winter Soldier, from escaping, using biceps about as big as my thighs? Check. Am I jealous? Check.
Verdict: Angst/I Need To Go To The Gym More
8. Oh. Oh, my.
Yeah, pretty sure that there’s no emotion that will cause a human face to do this.
But trying to shake your way out of your pants bunching up before it gets bad? Maybe.
Verdict: Wedgie
9. See? There’s that look again — Stark staring off into the middle distance, asking the big questions.
Questions like, “Am I gonna get a chance to dislodge this bundle of nano-machines riding right up my butt?” There’s no other explanation.
Verdict: Wedgie
10. I always thought that power armor would be pretty comfortable.
“Get out. I need to get down to the garage and get this thing disassembled so I can un-wedge the flight suit. You have five seconds.”Verdict: Wedgie
11. This one is tough. I mean, anybody trying to lift Mjolnir is gonna have a pretty intense look on their face.
So even if Cap has a bit of the ol’ red, white, and blue underoos riding up a bit, I think he’s probably just annoyed that hammer won’t move.
Verdict: Angst/Hammer Envy
12. To be fair, Loki has a fair bit to angst about. I mean, especially since he met Thanos, if you know what I mean.
The question is: is he flipping those knives, or is he just ditching them to quickly adjust those leather pantaloons?
Verdict: Angst/Clumsy Knife Work
13. Now, this might be a little misleading since Hulk’s basically just wearing a towel in this scene. Maybe because he already had a rash from earlier?
TMI, Hulk. TMI.Verdict: Wedgie Aftermath/Existential Crisis
