Trying to come up with the perfect response to a statement or event hurled your way can be tough while in the moment. It’s not uncommon that days later, the perfect comeback will pop into our heads, and we’ll mourn the coolness that could have happened had we thought of it sooner.
This list is about those people who did have their perfect comebacks lined up, showing off then they responded with exactly the right amount of snark.
“[Apparently] my daughter is good at science.”
The confidence in this kid is nothing short of inspiring. She’s leagues ahead of her teacher already! Get her into a lab immediately, clearly she’s ready for full scientific experiments.
Keep her enrolled in an English class still, though, her spelling hasn’t quite caught up yet.
“Shoutout to my coworkers, found the papercut!”
A vague stinging on your hand? Not sure where the origin source is, but want to patch it up to avoid infection? Try hand sanitizer! It will intensify the pain so much that you’ll have no choice but to be able to pinpoint the center.
“This teacher projects his face during exams.”
What does this actually do? Are there cameras in his eyes that are meant to catch students cheating, or is this just intimidation? If it’s the latter, I refuse to bow to a still image of a man’s face. I will not be frightened or beaten down! Okay, a little frightened, but not beaten down!
“Hmmmm… not suspicious at all.”
It’s all about perspective. Maybe this neighborhood is famously haunted and this house is the one exception! They wouldn’t just lie and say it’s not haunted when it is, right? No one’s ever lied before, not once in the history of the universe.
“Tried making a frog cake for my bf, I think he’s gonna leave me.”
They realized how not great this was turning out part way through and made the frogs sad to reflect that. They then chose the absolute worst icing color they could have for the words at the top.
No ‘happy birthday’, just the age. Every decision that went into this only served to make it worse and more chaotic, but I kind of love it.
“*[Aggressively] honks*.”
This guy must get honks all across town! Can’t even leave the house without starting a wave of honking that rolls through the city. Everyone would rather be watching the 1999 cinematic masterpiece The Mummy starring Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz, and none of us are afraid to admit that.
“I’m planning to move out, but some things are just hard to throw away.”
Though it hurts, you’ll just have to abandon these. Put them down and leave them in the house, then whoever moves in will find a way to deal with them. It’s the only way to stop them from coming back, even when you know you need to let them go.
“My wife and daughter greeted me at the airport with a box of half-eaten macarons, their excuse is my airplane was 15 min late and they couldn’t resist.”
Hey, macarons are really dang good, you can only exist around them for so long before you give into the temptation and start shovelling them down, so I don’t blame them!
Besides, there’s still one whole one in there. You were still given more macarons than you had previously!
“Someone gave me this card at Home Depot, what exactly do they do?”
Clearly, they work in general, though I can’t discern any of the activities in their list. What, exactly, is doing a lash? Or crashing a brawn? And what in the world is smoohs?!
Guess we’ll have to call to find out. What a marketing tactic.
“No Horseback Riding, No Hiking, No Debilitating Back Pain, No Bicycling.”
If you don’t walk into the forest with the absolute best posture imaginable, it’s going to kick you right back out. It has no time for anyone who might get ‘hurt’, it wants customers who are in the best shape possible, less liabilities that way!
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“Beer goggles not strong enough.”
It’s always funny seeing a couple reach the point in their relationship where they won’t even pretend to like each other anymore. Well, I’m sure they still like each other, but they won’t engage in the public showing off of their love. They’d rather be funny, like this!
“And this is NYC so you know it had to be bad.”
There’s something so brutal about being asked to never park somewhere again. “If anyone around here ever sees you or your car around this neighborhood again, we’re going to break into it and disconnect the alarm so we never hear it again.”
“Allison living her best life.”
I appreciate Allison’s commitment to keeping everyone updated on her love life. She was bouncing around for a few years, then stayed single for a while, thought she was ready for a relationship again, but it wound up not working out just yet.
It’s alright Allison, you’ll find the right guy when you’re ready!
“My best friend was in a motorcycle accident a few months ago. [I’m] very grateful for his sense of humor.”
It’s hard to spot at first because it’s a little hidden, but you can see on the left side that he is, in fact, missing a leg, which makes the right image a lot funnier. Good for him for remaining in good spirits about it!
“Seems safe enough! What could go wrong?”
Of all the products I’d want to reach in and grab blindly, mouse traps are perhaps the last item on that list. I’ll take the clearly visible ones on the bottom shelf, thank you very much, and even then I’ll do it very carefully.
“Back in the day, someone thought this was a great place for this sign. The manager came out of the office and got pissy with me for taking a picture.”
Not only is the placement not the greatest, but the wording is a little ominous. So are the graphics, for that matter. An unnecessary ellipses, no company or building name, a thin, small image, it’s all just a little bit off. Uncanny, even.
“See results in just 2 weeks!”
“Gain a whole new perspective on life with this one easy tip, just quit! You’ll see so many new opportunities before you, and be kicked into gear to make those life changes you always wanted to. What’re you waiting for? Just quit!”
“My neighbors can get a little snarky…”
I want nothing more than for this to continue down the page until they fill it and have to add on another piece of paper, continuing to bicker and make meaningless corrections long after the fire alarms have been tested.
“Meanwhile, in Houston…”
That’s a natural part of the human existence, though I understand cashiers not wanting to be the ones to deal with it. All shoppers should contain their ‘damn’s to when they see the price on the rack rather than waiting for their items to be scanned.
“A few days ago a car drove through an Arby’s. This was their sign today.”
This man carved out a perfect indoor parking spot and you don’t want anyone else to use it? It’d be more efficient than a drive-thru, just wheel in, get your food, and wheel back out. Why are you so scared of innovation, Arby’s?
