I’ve really tried to come up with a future that doesn’t involve children, I promise. The math just doesn’t work out. I have so many over-sized chalkboards at home right now, people.
So as long as we’re stuck with these little creatures, we might as well enjoy their antics. Kids can be funny and cool, or they can be horrible beasts with no redeeming qualities at all. Most are somewhere in the middle — these are not those kids.
1. This little girl has absolutely zero chill at the idea of a new baby.
It’s important to start disliking children early on. It really prepares you for life as an adult. You go, girl.
2. But to be fair, we were all children once upon a time.
I mean, that’s no excuse for the grubs I ate with my nephew last summer. Especially because it was after we watched Aladdin. I need help.
3. This is the most uncomfortable-looking dolphin I’ve ever seen in my life.
I can’t decide whether this kid has watched too many people French kiss, or he’s eaten too much canned tuna. Either way, it ain’t right.
When it comes down to it, I would always prefer to hang out with an animal over a child.
For the record, this includes juvenile animals — especially if they also dislike children.
4. Hey, let’s not discount the majesty of the noble arctic wordbank.
But kid, you did realize that SEAL was still missing, right? No problem, I get it, seals look like walruses.
It’s okay, kid. Some of us have trouble telling apart animals even when we’re all grown up…
…and some of us adults have trouble even while they’re tasting the animal.
5. Children really are the gift that keeps on giving.
And giving. And giving…
Have you ever done one of those burger challenges where you have to eat a 10-pound burger in an hour, and by the end you can’t even think? That.
6. I love how this kid has decided that this is now her personal photoshoot.
“I think I’ll try this family next… No, not really working with this outfit. Bring in the next group!”
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7. Now here’s a kid with a grounded, sensible approach to fun.
I can see her playing with My First Accountancy Exam now. She’ll be notarizing all her friends’ notes to their crushes by age 10.
8. This dad is absolutely savage.
You know he’s in the garage right now working on a flux capacitor made of old Nintendo 64 parts and a car battery. Godspeed, regretful father.
9. I love it when kids tell jokes. They’re always weird as hell.
But when I try to turn it around and tell some jokes to them, it’s all “no swearing” and “you’re not welcome at your nephew’s next birthday party.”
It’s not my fault those kids didn’t appreciate a finely crafted knock-knock joke.
Or maybe it was because I spoiled Breaking Badfor the parents. Either way, get over it, the show’s been out forever.
10. Take all the time you need to absorb this truly awesome list of names.
Miss Julie is officially the best preschool teacher ever. I’m sure her son, Racecar Grandma Smith III, will be in good hands.
11. Okay, even I can admit this is adorable.
Although, it makes a lot of sense. That owl looks ready to mess up anybody who even looks at this kid wrong. When’s the last time a blanket ever glared at you threateningly?
12. Another kid who’s totally on point.
I’m just gonna go ahead and say it: Carrying a bag full of Cheetos everywhere you go is just part of responsible adulthood. Don’t like the truth?
I’d like to clarify for a moment that this policy is definitely not restricted to Cheetos.
Listen, if I have an empty bag and someone leaves food out, I now have a bag full of stolen food. It’s science.
13. Although that open-faced Lego and plastic shark sandwich looks delightful, I’m sure it’d just go straight to my love handles.
I mean that because it would puncture my stomach and lodge itself in my body cavity.
Seems like an easier way to “control the mess” would be making sure none of those kids have an obvious inner ear problem..
Also, how does this product keep the kids from spilling again? It’s legit just a cup.
14. Although, if he can get himself out of a locked dog cage, he might be the perfect candidate after all.
Anybody that slippery is destined for great things at Harvard Law.
15. And in case you thought it was just the kids locking themselves in dog cages, here’s a quick look at the education system:
In this case, “system” might be the word they’re using for “controlled chaos.”
16. Ah yes, another proud graduate of the Tony Soprano After-School Art Club.
This was right after he demanded the teacher kick up an extra 50 bucks if she wanted him to stay after class.
17. Obviously, this is a tremendously stupid maneuver. That said, there is a serious element of genius here.
If Radio Shack still existed, this kid would be flying around in an Iron Man suit by now.
18. I don’t get it: if Samuel L. Jackson is still alive, how can he already be reincarnated into the intense stare of this baby?
Either way, better get this child some milk before he crushes your head with telekinesis or something.
There’s only one person I can think of who could best that kid in a staring contest. And it’s not who you think.
Watch these grown men quake in their boots under her gaze of pure disdain.
