Millennial and Gen X parents seem to be struggling with this new generation of grandparents. While there’s exceptions to every generalization, the people of Reddit mostly agree that a certain subset of Boomer grandparents are doing a horrible job at supporting their children and grandchildren.
The Reddit post was made in the subreddit r/Parenting
It read: “You shouldn’t expect anything from your parents in terms of babysitting (even in a pinch). They raised their kids. They owe you nothing. I’ve heard it all and it dosen’t [sic] sit well with me for one reason: in general, the previous generation of grandparents helped with their grandkids so much. Basically, our parents had lots of help but they don’t have to help us at all. Generation A) helped Generation B) with their grandchildren whenever they could. Generation B became grandparents themselves but tells Generation C) to go screw; they owe us nothing. They can be healthy and retired and spend all day watching The View. Can someone please explain to me how/when this cultural shift took place and why it’s justified?” ThinParamedic7859 asked.
Users were quick to point out the statement was too broad
“That’s not universal of course. My parents had no grandparents or family around to help, they had moved far away, and my mom helps us a lot,” CRTsdidnothingwrong pointed out.
This is such a fair statement. My own mom is a wonderful grandparent, and I know many grandparents who are absolutely killing it. The issue here is definitely not with an entire generation, but with the mindset of a large swath of them. Remember: if this commentary doesn’t apply to your life, then it isn’t about you at all. Good grandparents reading this, I strongly encourage you to pat yourselves on the back and keep in mind that not everyone is as lucky as your kids to have such involved parents and grandparents.
Some users said it goes back to an unwillingness to be parents at all
“In my case, my parents didn’t really want to be parents. They had kids cause that’s just what you did: graduated high school, got married, had kids – in that order. We were always at my grandparents houses cause they didn’t wanna deal with us so for parents that didn’t want to be parents, they surely do not want to be grandparents,” there_but_not_then said.
This user’s grandparents were clearly involved because they had to be, and likely because they wanted to be. The same can’t be said for their parents, of course.
Many believe the above to be the case
Redditor hap071 shared: “Have been asking my mom to take my 4 year old for a week this summer just so I can have a break (haven’t been away from her in 4 years. No one will watch her for an extended period of time). She just looks at me and changes the subject. Of course I’m not surprised. Practically had to raise my little sister from the time I was 10 because they were too tired to do it. Always went away on weekend trips and vacations and left all of us with family friends. I think some parents/ grandparents are just selfish from the beginning.”
It’s likely also tied to a lot of Boomer parents not having support systems or access to family care facilities. They also didn’t have much of a choice in becoming parents – if it happened, there was no going back.
However, many users agreed the phenomenon is not only common, but has a pretty universal (and depressing) reason
“One major factor for us and many others is that our parents are now also working full time still because the economy sucks and it’s too expensive to retire earlier nowadays, and combined with their age/health issues, do not have the same amount of energy as our grandparents did who were retired/semi retired or whose grandmothers were SAHMs and so were free during the daytime,” MoistIsANiceWord explained.
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This take is probably the most accurate explanation to the problem presented. We live in a society with a high cost of living, low wages, and an ever-increasing retirement age – if people get to retire at all. In countries without universal healthcare, this becomes doubly hard, as grandparents then have to pay out of pocket for their health issues.
Other users agreed with that take
clemtinesway added: “Exactly. Society has shifted, not people’s attitudes. Previous generations had their kids younger, in turn they became grandparents younger. There were pensions and retiring at 50-55 was not uncommon. Now with people having kids later and the older generation retiring older, you end up with grandparents who are still working at 70 and don’t have a lot of left over energy.”
I would certainly argue that is a small shift in attitude, coupled with the generational “nuclear family” ideal drilled into so many Boomers’ upbringing. Emphasis on individualism was at the forefront of many Western childhoods, leading to isolation. Again, this in no way applies to every family, but is more a commentary on societal norms changing over time.
Some said this comment is all too common
“This comes up a lot in this sub. A lot.
One thing I usually see pointed out is that if they needed so much help raising their kids and were so hands off as parents, why do we think they would be capable, very involved grandparents?
The more charitable angle is to recognize that times changed a ton between those generations. Many of our grandmothers had no choice but to be stay at home moms and had no careers when their grandkids were born. Grandfathers retired with pensions from the one job they worked their whole lives. Our parents’ worlds were very different, as are ours,” PupperoniPoodle said.
Others shared stories of their own parents’ neglect
“My mom is dead but my dad lives upstairs in my home. He spends maybe 10 minutes a day with my children and brags to everyone who will listen that he is the best grandfather and the kids are obsessed with him and he’s so glad to be close with them. I asked him to watch my son for half an hour so I could run down the street to the store once, he balked and acted like I asked him to grow a 2nd head. And he, in fact, does say, ‘I already raised my kids.'”
Not to armchair psychologist my way through this post, but this attitude does harken back to the individualism mindset.
And others said their Boomer parents want to help, but are not great at it
“Our boomer parents are frothing at the mouth to babysit. But they consistently show a serious lack of judgement and we don’t trust them with our little guy. Seriously, I don’t know how we made it. Everyone tells you to rely on your village but what if the village elders are…..inept?” oushka_boushka said.
Credit where credit is due to the grandparents for at least wanting to try, but sometimes that same scenario comes with an even steeper uphill battle. Trying to gently explain that a parenting styles have changed to people who refuse to acknowledge how much the world has changed is a struggle all its own.
One user argued against the point
“[…] I understand the frustration – really, I do… but we aren’t entitled to other people’s time. Yeah it’s crappy and somewhat hypocritical, but people gonna people,” notoriousJEN82 said.
The original poster clarified that their parents expect their children to do them favors, but in no way reciprocate with any kind of help in return. With that additional info, it’s easy to see why they’re so frustrated.
What do you think? Do you come from a family of involved grandparents, or are you an involved grandparent? What are your observations about your fellow grandparents?
