Have you ever been sitting in your mid-century modern house, sipping on a cocktail, and contemplating why you don’t have a husband? No? God, me neither, but apparently someone did.
Facebook user Kim Marx-Kuczynski and her husband were perusing a garage sale when they came across McCall’s Magazine . Inside was one interesting article: “129 Ways to Get A Husband.” While an advice column like this isn’t exactly unusual, the contents of it definitely were. Let’s look at some of the best ones, shall we?
Get a dog and walk it.
This one is listed in the “How To Find Him” section. Take it out of context, and this is just good advice. Go get yourself a dog and walk that adorable ball of fur as much as you want.
A+ , semi-applicable to today’s world.
Read the obituaries and find eligible widowers
Hey! Don’t do this! I can’t believe this was legit advice even back then, but apparently someone was cool with publishing this. Nothing hotter than hitting on a dude who is mourning his dead wife, right?
F- , do not do this.
Get a job in medical, dental, or law school.
You know what? Honestly? Not terrible advice. Just don’t do it to get a husband. Do it for you, girl. Get your education, get your coin, and if you find a husband along the way, hey! Bonus.
Gonna give this an A for being good out of context advice.
Get lost at football games.
Has this author ever been to a football game? This is just asking for a dude to mansplain sports to you. That’s not appealing, no matter the era. Also? Football tickets cost money, honey. Nuh-uh.
Solid C on this one.
Don’t room with a girl who is a sad sack and let her pull you down.
Yeah, don’t make friends with people or try to help them out when they’re down, that could ruin your dating chances! This is just weird advice. Who thought of this? I hate it.
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F- , be nice to other people.
When travelling, stay in small hostels where it is easier to meet strangers.
Imagine being a woman who not only can travel alone, but stay in hostels and talk to strangers… without winding up on the news. This advice isn’t bad, it’s just kinda weird. And you absolutely cannot do it today. Please avoid getting murdered.
Thanks. B at most.
Carry a hatbox.
Was that a thing people did to get attention? Was that the point of hatboxes? (Other than to house hats, of course).
I have no idea why this would get a man’s attention, unless he was interested in seeing a sweet hat. D.
Stand in a corner and cry softly. Chances are good he’ll come over to find out what’s wrong.
Quick question: what? What? First of all, where would you even do this? At work? Girl, you’re at work, that’s no place to fake cry. And even if it was, that’ll attract way more than just one guy’s attention.
F , bad advice even for the time.
Get a convertible. Men like to ride in them.
There’s something… almost accidentally progressive about this one. Dudes have been doing this to impress women for years, why not flex a little and work your butt off to buy a convertible? Maybe don’t do it to impress men, but like, still. I don’t hate this.
A . Good advice, plus you get a nice car in the deal.
Get a sunburn.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHA.
Get a sunburn? This is the funniest thing I’ve ever read. Get a sunburn, girl. Go outside and cook yourself until you’re the color of a lobster. Only then will your true love notice you, just like in all the Disney movies.
F— , don’t give yourself cancer for a dude.
Don’t tell him about your allergies.
Yeah, don’t tell him things about yourself, like some sort of human being who interacts with other human beings. And definitely don’t warn him before he buys or serves you something you’re allergic to. Go into anaphylactic shock like a winner.
D , don’t get a rash for him.
Get that fresh-scrubbed look by scrubbing!
I mean, they’re not wrong? You should bathe. That’s timeless advice, so I’m gonna go ahead and give this an A for being applicable at all times. This one kinda feels like filler advice, though. Disappointed in you, McCall’s!!!
Double date with a gay, happily married couple–let him see what it’s like!
Imagine a kid on Christmas opening up an X-Box package, only to find, like… fruit inside. That’s me when I realized this article was not encouraging me to hang out with my happily married gay friends.
Shout out to the evolution of language for making this evergreen and progressive advice. A+ .
If he’s a fisherman, learn to clean and scale fish
This is so specific? Like, if you happen to live near a body of water, and you happen to meet a guy who fishes, make sure to learn his exact interests. What if he’s a skiier? Or a lumberjack? Where’s the advice for them, hmm?
D , too niche to be helpful.
Don’t tell him everything about yourself at the start. Hold something in reserve.
This pairs nicely with #83, “Don’t tell him how many children you want.” Oh, also with the allergy one. Basically, tell him nothing about yourself. Be aloof.
A for intent, which is to not overwhelm him, F for general attitude of “censor yourself to attract men.”
Find out about the girls he hasn’t married. Don’t repeat the mistakes they made.
This is the 50s equivalent of “stalk them on Facebook and Instagram to see what his exes are like.” Also, wild to assume that any mistakes in a relationship were made by the female half. Maybe he’s single for a reason.
Eh, gonna give this a C . Talk to your partner about your histories, but don’t use them for evil.
Be flexible. If he decides to skip the dance and go rowing on the lake, go — even if you are wearing your best evening gown.
Oh hell no. Hell no. I am not getting into a full evening gown and heels, with makeup done up to the gods, and hair shinier than silk just to sit in a rowboat. The silencing of women’s wants and needs really jumped out in this article, huh?
F , ditch him and go dance with your girls.
Never let him believe your career is more important to you than marriage.
Why is it always either/or? Also, no one would give this advice to a man–they’d tell him to sacrifice for the sake of his family and work as much as he could. Nah. Not for it.
F , unhealthy advice.
Tell him that the death rate of single men is twice that of married men.
This is the most metal thing I’ve ever heard. Straight up tell him he’ll die if he doesn’t marry you. “Oh, are you interested in living, Jeremy? Better put a ring on it before you drop dead of singledom.”
A+ , but only if told as a joke. Otherwise, D for lying to your dude.
Stow away on a battleship.
Y’all…I cried laughing at this one. Just…just stow away on a battleship! You know how it goes, right? You sneak on, wait until you’re out to sea, then surprise a ship full of sailors with your stunning eligibility. I can’t. I cannot.
A+ for the absurd genius of it all.
Paint your name and number on a roof and say, “Give me a buzz, pilots.”
Hello? 911? I want to report the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. I will pay someone to do this (no I won’t). But honestly, imagine telling that story to your kids.
A+ , another genius idea.
Stand on a busy street corner with a lasso.
I mean this is definitely going to have different implications in 2019, and it may not attract the kind of man you’re into marrying. But if that’s your thing, go get freaky.
F , could be dangerous.
Carry a camera around and ask strange, handsome men if they would mind snapping your picture.
This probably would have worked, tbh. Now, odds are someone would steal your phone, or assume you’re an influencer and start making fun of you. Only trust your friends for that one, guys.
B , probably did work and potentially could now…I guess?
Make and sell toupees–bald men are easy catches!
Oh yeah? If bald men are so easy to catch, how come I’m not married to The Rock?
Ugh F , this advice is just not gonna work, and you’d have to be around toupees all day.
