As Christmas season begins, there is one thing that is a racing certainty, and that is that we will all begin hearing the cheery sounds of Christmas music in every shop and public space we enter!
Yes, it is that time of year when the wonderful, happy, definitely-not-overbearing onslaught of music with bells in the background fills our ears 24/7!
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However, this year, one shopper tragically overdosed on Christmas cheer, leaving his family bereft at this otherwise wondrous time.
Tim Butternuttington, from Pitsbury-upon-someotherplaceington, tragically experienced a fatal overdose in the middle of a shopping center earlier this week, brought about by excessive exposure to Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You!”
Tim was in the process of a serious shopping spree when he suddenly fell to the floor and began showing symptoms of what is being termed Mariahitus.
Shop workers at the local mall were flabbergasted when Tim, desperately clutching one bag of shopping and a handful of expired gift certificates, fell to the floor and began thrashing while tinsel frothed from his mouth — all of which are symptoms of Mariahitus (and yes, that is remarkably hard to say, isn’t it?).
Tim was pronounced dead at the scene by a Christmasologist, who said that the technical term is being “Gingerdead.”
One shop assistant who witness the tragedy was on hand to make a statement to AA News, and warn other shoppers of how to avoid such a tragedy happening to them also.
Anna, a shop assistant of three years, told AA News, “We see it a lot, actually, the milder effects of Mariahitus. You can see people’s hands start to tremble, general irritability, and a twitch in their eye, but I’ve never seen a case this severe.”
“You see, shop assistants have to build up a tolerance to Christmas music, so that we become immune to Mariahitus. Those on shopping sprees should be wary, if you aren’t prepared or if you aren’t a very Christmassy person, Mariahitus can drive a person insane, or worse,” Anna continued to tell AA News, with eyes as hollow as the black pit of Satan’s heart.
“You just have to learn to live with it when you work in retail, it’s a…necessity,” she went on to say through a gritted teeth smile, and with a voice that haunted the air around her — glancing at the store radio all the while, wishing upon it a swift and merciless death.
Beware of Mariahitus this holiday season, and take frequent breaks while shopping to avoid this terrible illness!
Tim’s grieving family started an appeal to limit the playing of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You!” across shops and public places to one quadrillion plays a day, which would see a reduction of almost half from current play numbers.
Take care this month, take frequent breaks while shopping to avoid the ear-bleeding bombardment of ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You!’ Or, make sure you go with someone who is immune to Mariahitus and loves the song in order to keep you sane. Shop safe this year guys!
Also, if you have been affected by the details in this definitely-not-real story, then please comment below your favorite alternative Christmas song that you enjoy listening to during this festive period…or your favorite coping technique for during this festive period!
Love to you all,
Aunty Acid.
