We hear a lot about toxic masculinity in the online discourse. In short, this refers to attitudes that men often express that have a negative impact on everyone around them.
A Reddit user recently turned this concept on its head and asked, “What are examples of toxic femininity?” .
The responses led to some interesting discussions about the ways women are also capable of destructive behavior.
“Womaning” differently.
“This becomes really toxic after child birth. Some women will feel nothing about letting you know how you are parenting wrong by using this product or letting you child do this particular thing.
“Women who are able to stay at home will be made to feel guilty for not helping to provide; and women who work are made to feel guilty for abandoning their child.”
Judging.
“Women just judge everything about other women.
“Don’t do your makeup? Problem. Do your makeup well? Well now you look better than me so [expletive] you. You don’t shave? GROSS. Wear comfy clothes and you’re a slob. Wear nice clothes and you’re trying too hard.”
Possessiveness.
“My ex-husband and I separated when our child was 2. Went to a birthday party for daughter’s friend and was having a casual conversation with one of the husbands. The group of women stood in a corner staring at me, and the wife came up and grabbed him by the arm and started doing that strange possessive peacock dance.”
Forming cliques.
“Some women are so judgmental about other women, particularly when it comes to looks or fashion.
“Also the women who seem to enjoy forming cliques and cutting out anyone they deem to be an outsider.
“Worked with an office full of them once. It really sucked!”
Body shaming.
“Body-shaming, whether overweight or underweight.
“I had an old classmate who called me anorexic for a year straight, anytime I tried to stand up for myself I was the bad guy because ‘she just wants to be as thin as you.’ I was 21kg at twelve and her calling me anorexic [expletive] killed.”
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Tearing down others.
“The sheer terrifying glee they have at tearing down someone who’s made a mistake or is somehow lacking in their eyes. I worked at a doctor’s office with a fifty person staff, forty-five of which were women. Like, they were so fake and catty and just outright hateful to each other. It was a toxic office culture.”
Double standards.
“Double standards in dating. I hear this a lot personally with my mother.
“But if her boyfriend goes somewhere without telling her she freaks out and throws a tantrum (yes, literally). Yet if he asks anything about her then he’s a douche trying to control her and cheating.”
Judging certain roles.
“Women who think other women that enjoy cooking, child rearing, and homemaking are perpetuating stereotyped gender roles enforced by the patriarchy.
“Tearing other women down because what they enjoy doesn’t fit into the tiny box of what YOUR version of feminism should be is toxic femininity to the max.”
Shaming those who don’t have kids.
“One holiday event, my female relatives literally decided to gang up on us and shame us for not having kids. Their main reason was that my mom wanted to be a grandma. Not ‘it will make you happier’ or anything like that. They fully expected us to birth children into poverty and single parents because my mom wanted to brag about grandchildren.”
“I’m not like the other girls.”
“So many of us go through this phase. It has been said before and not by me, but one reason is the overabundance of bad stereotypes in media. Young girls see those one-dimensional caricatures of what is sold as the ‘typical woman’ and rightfully think that they are not like that. It takes some time to realize that other women aren’t like that either.”
Pressure to be feminine.
“Women enforce it on other women even more than men in certain circumstances. A personal example that always bothered me: I wore my hair short for a few years and my mother and sister were constantly pressuring me to grow it out, and then suddenly started complimenting me much more once it grew long again.”
Expecting men to do every job.
“As a woman, I have absolutely zero respect for women who use their femininity to get men to do their job for them. The ‘oh no! I don’t know how to do this, can you do it for me’ women I have seen at work are pathetic. Even more pathetic are the men who think stepping in and doing a simple task for a lazy female coworker will actually get them anywhere.”
Generally toxic behavior.
“When a woman’s behavior is absolutely abhorrent, but when you try to explain to them that they don’t have a right to treat you like garbage, they start ranting about you trying to keep them down or in their place.”
Being too self-critical.
“We’re taught from an early age to be self-critical and this bleeds out into being critical of other women who are different. We’re never pretty enough, or we’re too concerned about our looks, we’re too smart or not smart enough, we have to constantly be attractive to men, and at the same time, not so concerned with attracting a mate that we sacrifice who our authentic self is.”
Pressure to marry.
“A lot of women are weirded out if you life in a long term relationship and do not want to marry (or moving in together). They see that as a red flag in a relationship and try to find other red flags to prove their point that that relationship will die soon.”
Tearing down men.
“When we crap all over men and boys, while calling it ‘modern feminism.’ We don’t have to deconstruct and destroy everything masculine just for women to be equal. That is literally the opposite of equality and should be offensive to everyone.”
Talking down to men.
“A woman you’re dating who constantly talks down to you like she’s a mother and you’re just a helpless child (sure, some men do fill the role of ‘helpless’ child and are looking for a mother-figure, but a lot of guys certainly do not). I’m a grown man who takes care of himself and his household, I’m not a child on a chore schedule.”
Making their whole identity about parenting.
“Mothers who make their whole identity about parenthood, and top it off with telling other mothers they parent wrong. Like they alone are the number one leading source of parenting tips. I know having a kid takes up most of your life, if not all, but you’re still a person outside of it. Your entire Facebook page doesn’t need to be quotes and minion memes about being a mama bear.”
Judging same-sex relationships.
“I’m a lesbian and I’ve had plenty of straight women react to this with complete puzzlement. Have I ever TRIED having a boyfriend? Who fixes things around my apartment when they break? Who kills bugs? You know, there ARE good guys out there…”
– u/scm96
Being pressured into having kids.
“Being pressured to have children. Women can be incredibly toxic when they find out that someone made a different choice regarding procreation. Personally I think mothers that hate on childless women regret their choice to have children and lash out at those they secretly envy for their (perceived) freedom.”
