Many parents often take things from their childhood and manifest it into their own children. Whether or not we agree with it, parents have their own way of raising their children for specific reasons.
One mom on Reddit shared that she is struggling with her past trauma and raising her daughter.
“When I was a kid my parents f***** up my self-confidence and self-worth by convincing me the only way I’d ever find love or success was if I was pretty. At 8 my mom started perming my hair. By 13 I was getting highlights.
By 14 she was having my brows waxed. At 16 she convinced me I needed a nose job or the boys would never like me. Around 15 she was reminding me to wear lipstick and something pretty in case any boys saw me,” she wrote.
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The mom said it took “years” to repair the damage from her own mother’s remarks.
“For years I defined my own worth based on whether or not I was pretty. It took years to repair that damage. I swore I’d never do that to my kids,” she said.
The mom said recently, her five-year-old daughter was invited to a friend’s party.
“The party was dance-club-themed but there were also activity stations set up as well. Build your own cupcake, make your own crayons, make your own clay sculpture, finger painting, etc, and one of the stations was professional party makeup,” she wrote.
The parents had hired professionals for a fun time.
“Anna’s [the birthday girl’s] parents had hired three professional stylists to give the girls fun makeover and do things to their hair like temporary color dye and clip-in extensions for curls and such,” she shared.
However, the mom made it clear she doesn’t allow her daughter to use makeup.
“My Maisie, while enjoying toys and clothes from both sections of the store, is mostly a girly-girl and she’s always been curious about makeup. She sees those kid-friendly sets at the store or is sometimes gifted them by relatives and she wants to play with them but I don’t allow it,” she continued.
She said eventually, she’ll talk to her about makeup and such.
“When Maisie is a teenager she and I will discuss makeup and how to use it properly and when I believe she’s mature enough to wear it and not let beauty define her I will let her wear it. And, once she’s 18 she can do whatever she wants,” she said.
The stylists required “parental consent” because they were younger kids.
“The stylists required parental consent before doing anything so Maisie came and asked me if she could have her makeup done and her hair fixed. I said no and explained why.
Maisie took it well and in a moment her favorite song came on and her friends took her away to dance and eventually the matter was forgotten. Maisie enjoyed the party and we went home happy,” she said.
While Maisie was fine, other parents were not.
While Maisie was okay with it, the other moms had remarks.
“Word got around that I refused to let Maisie get her makeup done and now the other parents are calling me some crazy helicopter mom who is trying to control her kids. Apparently, they think that it was an asshole move to make Maisie go without a makeover when most of the other girls (it was an all-girl party) had their makeup done,” she said.
Her husband eventually heard, and agreed with the other moms.
“Now its gotten back to my husband and he said he agrees that Maisie doesn’t need makeup every day but surely I could have let her wear it at the party and washed it off when the party ended. We didn’t fight, but he told me that if he’d been there he’d have thought I was being controlling [sic], too,” she said.
She asked Reddit users if she was wrong for not allowing her daughter to get the makeover at the party.
Many people online said the mom was taking her own trauma too far.
“A single case of a makeover will not impact your child the same way you were, especially if you reinforce it with support and guidance as she grows up. Instead, now you’re harming her in another way. You are a loving and supportive parent so don’t allow your trauma to become hereditary,” one person said.
Others said they believe the mom does need therapy.
“Look, I understand your concerns about makeup because there is a lot of toxic s*** in that arena, but — and this is a big but — you’re taking this too far. This sounds age-appropriate (although who has three professional makeup artists at a kids birthday party?!), and you let your trauma block your child from enjoying safe and age-appropriate activities.
You need to get into therapy because you deserve to have healing [sic] from your childhood. And your daughter deserves a parent who will let her develop a healthy relationship with makeup instead of blocking her from even experimenting with it in an age-appropriate fashion,” another added.
One person said there’s a major difference between this mom and her own mother.
“Maisie wanted to get her makeup and hair done. No one was forcing her, she was invited and wanted to do it. And that’s the difference between you as a mom and your own mom… your mom made you feel like all that beauty stuff was mandatory when it isn’t. She suggested over and over again that your only worth came from what boys thought of you.
She made you feel like you had to change yourself for others to accept you, which implied that the normal, everyday you wasn’t good enough. That was a horrible message for her to send, and I’m really sorry you had to deprogram yourself from her mom’s internalized misogyny,” they said.
The mom later edited her post and thanked people for their responses.
“I’ve gotten really good answers here and also a good dose of humility and bluntness. I realize now that I’m unhealthy projecting my own trauma on Maisie and I have some work to do on myself,” she said.
She said she will be going back to therapy, too.
“So, I will be making a phone call to my therapist and getting back into that, and I’ve just placed an order on Amazon for a makeup set for little kids,” she continued.
And, she’s going to teach her daughter to be a “confident” and powerful woman.
“When it gets here, Maisie and I (and daddy, if he wants to join in) will spend an evening with the TV off, phones off, learning about makeup and also how beauty can make us feel powerful and confident,” she concluded.
