God bless celebrities who have no qualms about sharing embarrassing stories.
Lizzie Caplan stopped by Jimmy Kimmel Live to talk about the new season of Castle Rock . Things took one hell of a turn after Jimmy brought up her husband, Tom, and…well, you’ll see what happened next.
Lizzie recently got married.
She married a man from England, which will be an important detail later in the story.
His name is Tom, and he is the source of the story we’re all about to enjoy.
She explained that there’s some English stereotypes that she’s noticed while living there.
“There’s some stereotypes about England that are very true,” she told Jimmy Kimmel.
“The politeness. If you — honestly, if you bump into somebody on the street in England, the person you bumped into will apologize.”
This is also crucial to the following story.
So, here’s what happened.
She’s seen so many examples of English politeness.
“For example: we were at the theater. We do that in England. Very classy, very dignified. It was intermission. I was sat there in our seats, he was in the bathroom, the loo.”
Man, I love the word “loo.”
“And I’m just kind of soaking it in, it feels very classy. I felt grown-up for the first time in…maybe ever.”
I’m so thrilled that this entire situation happened while they were in formal clothes.
Here’s where things took a turn.
“And then he runs back to the seats, abruptly returns. He sits down next to me, and I look at him, and he’s just looking straight ahead. And he’s pale, white as a ghost. Covered in sweat.”
He was pretty much speechless.
She asked him, “‘What’s going on?’ And he said…”
Lizzie demonstrated shaking her head.
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“I was like, ‘What — are you okay?’ And he said, ‘Something happened.’ I was like, ‘In the bathroom?’ Like, what? What?”
So, he was in the loo…
“He said that he was at the urinal —ur i nal, as they say — and then he exhaled loudly, took a beat, and he knew.”
She pronounced it “ur-eye-nal,” in case you’re interested.
A beautiful thing was about to happen to her.
“I could see in his face that he knew what he was about to tell me was like a gift. It would bring me endless joy forever.”
Get you a partner who knows you’ll love hearing the dumb stuff they do.
Do men do that, though?
“And he said that he was at the urinal, and he went to spit his gum into said urinal, which I had questions about — do people do that?”
Jimmy confirmed that no, men don’t do that. Not ones with “impeccable manners,” anyway.
Don’t spit your gum, kids.
“So he went to spit the gum, but it got, like caught.”
At this point, she was straight-up miming every action her husband had done that night. You could tell she’s told this story to literally everyone they meet.
Oop, there it is.
“He said, ‘It got caught on my lip, and it tumbled down, and then I followed it with my eyes and almost, as if it were in slow motion, I saw it bounce off the man standing next to me’s penis.'”
This may be the best thing that could have ever happened to her.
“I was just like…’Yes.’ It just washed over me. ‘Oh my god, this is like a gift. Christmas. Thank you.’
“So I was like, ‘What did he do, was he mad?’ You know, in America, I would assume you get punched in the face or something!”
Of course.
“And he just said, ‘He apologized.'”
Of course he apologized. Honestly, how else could you react if someone spit gum on your genitals?
Yeah, no, Lizzie was right. Throwing a punch seems way more likely.
Jimmy had one more question:
Jimmy asked her if she could continue the play.
“No, I didn’t even care about the play after that. It was just like, ‘Oh, I want him to tell this story even slower so I can just like drink it in.'”
You can watch the entire interview here.
Witness Lizzie telling the story, complete with hand movements, bad accents, and the audience roaring with laughter.
She also talks about Castle Rock , but let’s be real: we’re here for the urinal story.
