For those looking for true love, marriage is like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. For those who’ve tied the knot, we understand that romantic ideals quickly give way to reality.
If you don’t believe me, well — then you probably aren’t married. Have a look and check out these 15 tweets about married life that are both hilarious and sad at the same time.
You can’t argue with the logic on this one.
I’m going to have to keep this one in my back pocket for the next time that one of my family members intrusively asks why I still don’t have any children of my own.
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
In fairness, the can opener was probably two inches to the left of where it normally resides in the drawer. It would be all but invisible to any man who tried to capture it.
Kiss the cook.
“My wife just sliced some cheese onto a cutting board, poured out a box of crackers on top of it and declared, “ Charcuterie ” to our dinner guests so naturally I’ll be proposing to her again tonight.” – Twitter @Dad_At_Law
Learn to read the writing on the wall.
If you don’t already know, then pay close attention — there is no such thing as “really quick” when it comes to wives and IKEA. It’s basically just wife-code for “see you in five hours, jackass.”
Misophonia is a real thing once you’re married.
“My husband was snoring while napping on the couch so I nudged him to stop, then he woke up and immediately went into the kitchen and loudly ate a bowl of cereal. It was like a “most-hated sounds of marriage” compilation.” – Twitter @copymama
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Boom! Roasted.
I think more women need to become investors in crypto currency. Perhaps then they’d be able to explain to their husbands how Bitcoin actually works at the end of the day. Maybe they’d be able to recoup some of the losses, too.
Your wife is tired of constantly having to remind you where your keys are.
“Wives only want one thing and it’s for you to open your eyes man because your keys are literally right there in front of your face.” – Twitter @maryfairybobrry
Being married means learning to read one another’s signals… at least you would think so.
“After seven years of marriage , I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess,” jokes Twitter user @HenpeckedHal.
Remember this men — it’s possible for you to screw up even in your dreams.
I was once ignored for a day and a half for allegedly being unfaithful in a dream. When I tried to inquire as to what was the matter — Megan told me to stop playing dumb; “you know what you did,” she said.
Famous last words.
“Did I ever tell you about how uncomfortable my chair was in my wife’s birthing room?” Twitter user @SladeWentworth asked.
You don’t have to have kids to know that posing this question is the marriage equivalent of sticking your head into a lion’s mouth.
Proof that you can never really know anyone.
It makes me happy to know that there are other people out there who derive a cathartic experience from popping bubblewrap. To think that there are people out there who would just throw the stuff away make my inside crawl.
Your clothes don’t live here anymore.
“Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket .” – Twitter @Chhapiness
Maturing as a married man means realizing that all of your stuff is meaningless and stupid.
Work smarter, not harder.
Look lady, you can’t blame your husband for finding a loophole in your bet. Stop looking a gift horse in the mouth and just be happy that one way or another — you’ll have no dishes to do.
Can you say that again?
“Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’” – Twitter @MamaNeedsACoke
In the immortal words of New Found Glory: “Just cause he can’t hear what you say, doesn’t mean that he’s not listening.”
No one ever really wins in heartbreak warfare.
I am all for this! I do something similar, only I like to move the bookmark in Megan’s novel forward/back by a few pages every now and again. It might sound sadistic but that’s love, baby.
