When you have a complicated childhood, it can manifest into your adult life in a lot of ways. For some people who had problems at home with their parents and unstable households, it can make for some issues when they have their own children. Sometimes, it’s not even intentional—it’s something that happens naturally and subconsciously.
It’s hard to face the fact that we need help, especially when it comes from someone else.
When someone else tells us we need help, it can feel attacking and almost mean. But, sometimes it takes others to point it out for us to realize the problems.
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Recently one dad wrote into Reddit seeking advice after he told his wife she should go to therapy for her childhood trauma.
“My wife had a crappy childhood. Her mom wasn’t great, in and out of prison. She had to raise her little siblings. So with our own kids, I know she overcompensates so our girls can have the childhood she didn’t.”
The mom seems to try and give her kids the “life she never had” as a child.
“The issue is, she can’t see that our daughters might not want the same things as she did as a kid. She put them in dance and one loves it, the other hates it but my wife made her do it until Covid hit and the studio closed. When I tried to talk her down, she said that she’d learn to love it,” the dad wrote.
He also pointed out that one of their daughters has severe anxiety.
“Our oldest (6) has severe anxiety. She’s actually in therapy for it. As a result, she hates crowds. We had her birthday last January and she spent it huddled in a corner and cried through ‘happy birthday’, after begging my wife not to make people sing,” he added.
His wife, however, doesn’t see a problem with doing all of these over-the-top things for her kids.
“This year we can’t do a big party for obvious reasons but my wife wanted to do a thing where everyone drove up to say hi, decorated their cars and sang. Oldest said no. When my wife tried to push, my daughter said she won’t leave her room if they come over,” he said.
The dad tried to speak to his wife rationally, saying they already have a good life because both of their parents are “stable.”
“My wife was upset and hurt. She told me she wants to give them the childhood she didn’t have. I said that’s nice but our girls do have a childhood. They’re not raising each other, neither of us are in prison and we’re stable. I said that she needs to let them have the childhood THEY want,” he said.
He suggested that she go to therapy to talk out some of her problems so she can be a better mom to her kids.
However, his wife was angry and said that he “overstepped.” He asked the Reddit community if he was wrong for what he’s saying and asked for their advice.
Many said he wasn’t wrong at all.
Many said that working on trauma is extremely important.
“Your wife isn’t giving the girls the childhood they need, she’s giving them the childhood she didn’t have. I can guarantee if she keeps going down this route they won’t be remembering their childhood fondly and they will have their own issues with her.
You’re 100% right that your wife needs therapy, and keep defending your daughters. Your wife should not be forcing your daughters to do things that make them miserable just because she wanted it at that age,” one person wrote.
Others pointed out that some of it can be borderline abusive.
“Her overcompensating things, like the birthday party, can be taken as abusive. Your daughter has anxiety and cried… and your wife said “It’s part of the experience”? No, it’s not. It’s showing your daughter her feelings don’t matter. That’s more damaging [than] anything. She needs to listen to her kids, what they want and don’t want. And she needs to respect it or they’re going to have awful childhoods as well.
Therapy is definitely needed here. I had an awful childhood myself, and never wanted to become my mother, but I went to therapy and got a handle on my own emotions and feelings so I could be a better parent to my children. She might be pissed at you for suggesting it, but she needs it. Otherwise, your oldest might start resenting her, and their relationship will get ruined beyond repair,” one person added.
Do you agree with them?
