I don’t think it’s entirely unreasonable to expect to know just about everything there is to know about a person before you get married, is it?
I mean, I know sometimes there can be surprises, and some people definitely like to keep some pretty big secrets to themselves, even long after they’ve said “I do.”
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But when you’re marrying someone, the hope is that you’re both entering this rather huge, next phase of your lives on the same page without any sort of information being kept hidden from the other person.
Of course, life doesn’t always work out that way, does it?
Sure, we’d like to think our partner will be willing to share everything and anything with us. But some people can be super private and reluctant to spill a secret, even if it’s going to be shared with the person they’re vowing to spend the rest of their life with.
One such bride-to-be apparently sees no reason to share a rather big secret with her fiancé, and his insistence that she spill the beans has resulted in quite the blow-up.
That fiancé has shared his side of the story on Reddit in the hopes of finding out whether he was unreasonable to ask about his future wife’s financial woes.
In a post published to the subreddit r/AmITheAsshole, the unidentified man began by explaining he and his fiancée collectively make over $100K a year, although he does make slightly more money than she does.
The pair have apparently been engaged for about three years and have been slowly planning what they hope to be the perfect wedding day.
When they first began their planning, they weren’t nearly in such a financially comfortable position as they are now. In fact, the groom said they were “just scraping by month to month”.
And at around this time in their relationship, his fiancée actually admitted she’s accumulated quite the debt over the years. On top of her student and car loans, she also owes tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt.
Although he was rightfully concerned, no amount of pushing could convince the man’s betrothed to admit just how much she actually owed.
As he explained,
“She absolutely shuts down when I try to take finances with her. I understood it was a potentially scary topic for her. I asked if she needed me to help as I do not have any debt and she said no that it was her responsibility.”
Eventually, she promised her groom that she would tell him the actual dollar amount before the wedding, and they left it at that.
Since then, the man has taken it upon himself to cover most of their rent, as well as other bills in an effort to help his fiancée be able to pay off more of her debt. He’s even paid for her car to be repaired on several occasions.
“A few times I even offered to pay for her to see a financial advisor,” he added. “It seems to cause her so much anxiety and I want to help her but I don’t know how.”
Perhaps most incredibly, the man managed to save enough to put a down-payment on a house that they both now live in together.
“She was unable to help with the home purchase because her credit score was so low which was also a shock to me,” he admitted. “I don’t have a credit card but had built up enough credit that I could qualify on my own.”
Not only did he pay for the house, and has continued to foot the bill for the utilities and mortgage, but the man said he also filled that home with brand new furniture.
When the COVID pandemic started, the couple’s wedding planning took a seriously hit, and that all added up to one super stressed out bride.
With changes needing to be made left and right, and the pair expecting some pretty “large bills” to be due soon, the topic of finances inevitably came up. And the man saw his opportunity to reintroduce the topic of his fiancée’s debt.
Unfortunately, that didn’t go so well for him.
“She lost it and started freaking out on me calling me a jerk for trying to make her go over those things a month before the wedding and in the middle of COVID.”
Even though he’s left the subject alone for a year and a half, purchased a house for them both, and largely supported them financially on his own, the groom still found himself quite inexplicably the target of his fiancée’s outrage.
He made it clear that no matter what the actual number was, he still intended to marry his fiancée’, debt and all.
As he explained, “Seeing that information won’t make me reconsider my decision, but I do want to know want I’m getting into and it may make me change my goals or priorities.”
In the wake of his bride-to-be’s explosive reaction, the man has just one question for Reddit: is he an asshole for asking to see her debt before they get married?
Not so surprisingly, the people of Reddit responded, “absolutely not!”
As this user wrote,
“I’m sorry dude but you are going to have an absolutely miserable marriage. Finances are one of the biggest causes of divorce and she can’t even talk about it with you. It guides your entire life and it’s not a discussion she’s willing to have.”
Others suggested that perhaps there’s another reason why this man’s fiancée is so reluctant to share the truth about her debt with the man, beyond what he likely assumes is shame.
“She’s stressed and freaking out because she knows he might dump her if he sees her debt,” this person hypothesized. “All her reasons are delay tactics. She wants him trapped legally before she discloses. She’s always gonna have some excuse to not just take responsibility for her choices.”
Many suggested the man actually seriously consider signing a prenuptial agreement before the pair become legally and financially bound together.
That’s largely because, as some people wrote, it seems likely this bride’s financially problems might be the cause of reckless spending that likely won’t stop even after she’s married.
As this person wrote,
“You absolutely need to know what she’s wasted all her money on, because shortly she’s going to be spending your income and you’re going to be on the hook for her credit cards. I understand some people need more money than they make, but in this case, it really sounds like your fiance is a stupid child who can’t practice a single bit of self control.”
After receiving thousands of comments from concerned users, the man eventually shared an update to his original post.
In that update he explained that he once again approached his bride on the subject, though this time made sure he explained he wanted to help “out of love, not to be a jerk.”
He also made sure to explain that once they were married, her debt also becomes his debt, which could leave their house in jeopardy if things reach that point.
That frank talking-to seems to have really helped to change his fiancée’s whole attitude towards the matter.
Now he’s happy to report that she’s agreed to sign a prenup, and has agreed to go over all her finances with the man, which they intend on turning into a little “date night”.
“Thank you for all your support,” the man concluded his update. “It really gave me the motivation and confidence to bring this up and I believe our relationship will be stronger because of it.”
What do you think of this situation? Let us know!
h/t: Reddit
