Guys.
We forgot to pour one out for a real one.
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Shrek is iconic for many reasons, from its meme-ability to the sheer art of a giant green ogre falling for a princess with a secret.
But did you know that Shrek , much like onions, has layers? And one of those layers is a super dark death?
Okay, so Shrek.
The movie of a generation. The film that shaped the surrealist sense of humor millennials have.
The cinematic masterpiece that told us that it’s okay to be an ogre who lives in a swamp, and you can even find yourself someone who is ALSO an ogre and wants to live in a swamp.
Shrek . The man, the myth, the legend.
At the beginning of the film, Shrek is living a pretty chill life.
He’s just an ogre trying to live his life, you know? He wants to be gross in peace.
But the evil Lord Farquaad disturbs his swampy peace by banishing fairytale creatures from his kingdom.
And he needs somewhere to dump them, right?
Oof, bad news for Shrek.
Farquaad’s men leave all the fairytale creatures in Shrek’s neck of the woods.
Needless to say, that cramps Shrek’s “I hate everyone and everyone hates me” lifestyle.
So, he decides to find Farquaad and demand his land back.
I mean, you know the rest.
Listen, I’ve seen this movie like 40 times, but I still had to look up what happened in those first 20 minutes.
Anyway, as we all know, Farquaad sends Shrek off on a quest, where he meets the cursed Fiona and falls in love with her.
Of course you remember Princess Fiona!
She lives her life as both a human an ogre thanks to a curse that makes her an ogre at twilight.
At first, he uses her because he has to give her to Lord Farquaad.
But then, like any good fairy tale, he starts falling for her.
And thus an entire franchise based on ogres was born.
And now Smash Mouth’s “All Star” is stuck in your head.
Don’t blame me, though.
But WAIT.
Amongst all the fart jokes and humor that went over our heads as kids, we all missed one messed up bit from the beginning scenes.
Goldilocks thought she was unlucky? Just you wait.
We see all the fairytale creatures being rounded up, right?
The Seven Dwarfs are all chained up and being shoved into a cart. A knight breaks a witch’s broom, which is just rude .
Geppetto turns in Pinocchio because he’s a stone cold dude.
Oh, and Donkey is there, of course.
And the three bears?
Well, they’re in cages.
Mama Bear and Papa Bear have their own cage, and Baby Bear is locked in his own, smaller one.
Guys, did Goldilocks turn them in? I have my suspicions.
So, commotion ensues when Donkey accidentally kicks Tinkerbell.
Okay, first of all, Peter Pan totally sucks for turning Tinkerbell in.
Second, Donkey’s antics lead the knights to encounter Shrek, who finds out that the magical creatures are being moved to his swamp.
He terrifies them.
Obviously, they’re all scared of a huge ogre who probably smells terrible , so they bolt.
And that’s that, right? Everyone moves into the swamp, Shrek gets mad, and his whole adventure begins.
NOPE.
Later that night, we see the fairytale creatures all gathered in the swamp.
Some are by a campfire, including Papa Bear and Baby Bear. You can clearly see that Baby Bear is crying.
They’re also short a member of their family.
Guys, where is Mama Bear ?
Why does Papa Bear look so sad? Why is he comforting Baby Bear, who is fully crying?
What happened in between Donkey flying and nightfall? What went down ?
Something bad, it turns out.
Thanks a lot, Lord Farquaad.
The official worst human alive is chilling in his royal bedchamber later, and the camera does a sweep around the absolute tackiest home decor I’ve ever seen.
He turned. Mama Bear. Into. A rug.
And then we see poor Mama Bear.
She’s dead, guys.
Super dead. And we know it’s definitely her, because she even has the same bow on from her first scene.
Damn, that’s dark.
Rest in peace, Mama Bear.
I personally hold Goldilocks at least partially responsible for this one, I’m not gonna lie.
Join me in raising a glass for Mama Bear.
We hardly knew ye, my fallen comrade.
There is some justice, however.
I mean, he does get eaten by a giant dragon.
And she had the good manners to burp his crown back up. No use digesting good gold, right?
Anyway, that’s the tragic story of Mama Bear. I know. I’m upset, too. Group hug?
