You guys ever just have one of those weeks where the news seems especially negative and no one at work noticed your new haircut and that movie you’ve been waiting months to go see turned out to be just O.K?
Yeah, same.
When that happens, I like to turn to the internet to provide me with the most spirit-lifting and laugh-inducing tweets to take my frown and turn that ish right upside down. And no one does that better than the wonderful ladies of Twitter.
Or a professional chef.
But no , we’re out here marrying the average-working loves of our lives like idiots .
And I won’t be subtle about it.
I do this same thing with particularly reflective windows and picture frames, too. I’m not vain but I am obsessed with knowing what I look like at all times. What’s that called?
This is just unacceptable.
This is also why you’ll catch me ordering pizza the same day I drop $150 at the grocery store because though my fridge may be full, my motivation to cook is non-existent.
FACT: One bag of raw spinach = 1 teaspoon cooked.
Be prepared to dump handfuls of those greens into a pot and still not have enough for one serving because spinach isn’t out here trying to be your friend.
Instant joy.
Bad day? Take that bra off, let the girls breathe, and remember that life isn’t so bad when moments like this exist.
Don’t pretend like you aren’t the same way.
It’s sort of like a chaotic memory game where your brain takes in the trash in your room and you manage to remember there’s a single bobby bin in your dresser drawer but good luck remembering where you just put your phone down.
New year new me
Catch me in 2021 for the sequel: thicker and richer.
What do you want from me?
I woke up today full intending on being mediocre, thank you very much.
Can you think of anything examples?
Trick question. It’s all movies.
You can’t just *be* 30 any more. You have to be *something*.
I’d personally like to also add “divorcee who got married too young and will now overcompensate for that for the next twenty years.”
“I guess this is my life now.”
To her credit, she was probably super embarrassed and decided to just try to play it cool in the hopes her mom didn’t see and write about her chair mishap on Twitter.
What other one is there?
Which would you rather take pictures in front of — a mountain with a bunch of old, white dead men on it or Destiny’s Child?
Thank you, next.
And turning it off again, too.
When my grandma got a smart phone, I had to write down step-by-step instructions explaining how to insert emojis into a text message.
This is classified as a “special skill.”
Personally, I never feel more accomplished than when I fold and put away freshly washed towels in the same day. That’s peak adulthood, my friends.
“Just wanted to touch base.”
I will also sign the note with a smiley face just to keep things light, you know?
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I gobble down airplane sandwiches like they’re about to disappear.
Air travel turns us into starving vultures. It’s about time we all just accept that.
I need context, people.
“Excuse me, sorry for interrupting but I just walked in on this little disagreement and I need y’all to start over so I can catch up and decide who’s right for myself. Thank you.”
More like Captain von Snack, am I right ladies?
When you watched Sound of Music as a child, Georg von Trapp was a terrifying authoritarian who never smiled and who eventually sang a boring song on the guitar.
Once you got older, he turned into an absolute zaddy who had you saying “cap, you can do re mi any day.” That, my dear friends, is called puberty .
The only diet I’m interested in.
If an Italian woman says it’s okay to eat pasta every day then bada-boom-bada-bring on the spaghetti, sis.
New year, new me: part two.
This will be my reaction the next time one of my dinner guests (or my boyfriend) tells me the carrots are under cooked.
Rose, you can’t just do your husband dirty like that.
The ending of Titanic is significantly less satisfying after you realize sis literally ditched her life-long partner to go spend eternity with some guy that taught her how to spit once.
This is teamwork at its finest.
Everyone gives their opinions and everyone gets a final say before the last draft is actually sent. We’re all in this together, ladies.
My boobs simply don’t respect me while I sleep.
This is why I have to wear tee-shirts to bed, otherwise I wake up with my ladies all Willy Wonka and hanging out of my tank top like they couldn’t breathe at 4 in the morning.
Cut to me at 24 and all I order are fruity little drinks.
I used to get so fired up listening to “Before He Cheats” that I think I was convinced I, too, had been cheated on. When you hurt Carrie, you hurt all of us.
What kind of an animal eats the entire cake themselves?
Imagine going to your friend’s birthday party and singing “Happy Birthday” and then having to just sit and watch as they eat their cake alone.
This is just asking for problems down the road.
I guarantee those twins will end up at summer camp together and you can bet shenanigans will ensue.
This is why she’s going to be queen someday.
I take naps after I eat lunch because somehow I exhausted myself eating Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.
This is why I’ll never be queen someday.
Watch out everybody, the main character’s coming through.
I will skip through all of your Instagram stories about Spotify wrapped but I expect all of you to watch mine carefully and then message me your thoughts on my results.
Please hire me.
I’ve seen professionals like this in my own grocery stores.
I say “professionals” because every time I pass them in an aisle, they have a new cookie in their hands. Don’t ever be fooled; kids know exactly what they’re doing with those tears.
Choose wisely.
I will also accept a box of donuts or a big tub of ice cream.
What a look.
I’ve also been told I resemble Gaston from Beauty and the Beast and a founding father when I wear a low ponytail so suffice it to say, I no longer wear low ponytails.
Where is the lie though?
He’ll also make fun of you for never knowing how to fish in the first place as if he didn’t just learn yesterday because men are what? Trash .
The audacity.
My grandma used to always have meat and cheese platters ready for such an occasion but if anyone just popped by my apartment for a lil’ visit, they’d be treated to an assortment of stale cookies and a bell pepper that’s been in my crisper for way longer than it should be.
You don’t need that in your life, sis.
Get you a man that will not only be seen with you after you buy tampons, but who will actually offer to go in the store and buy them himself when crampy-cramps gotcha down.
