The world’s been crazy lately, and as a result I have sought out many means of finding my zen and inner peace during these trying times.
I currently have a sweet candle flickering beside me, a mini desk fountain trickling away, and a glass of wine slowly getting emptier and emptier. (Don’t tell my boss please.)
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But if these methods of calm don’t work for you, you could try going a different route and laugh away the nonsense. Because if there’s anything we all need right now, it’s a really good laugh . In the words of Robert Plant, does anybody remember laughter?
Don’t know when I signed up for Burger King emails but here we are.
I have spent a shocking amount of time unsubscribing from various email updates after my inbox got filled with messages from these companies telling me how they’re doing their part to combat the spread of COVID-19.
While I definitely appreciate your efforts, H&M, I will sadly no longer be requiring this information from you.
How To Make Friends: Don’t.
I genuinely thought it would somehow be easier to make friends as an adult because there wouldn’t be any of that high school drama.
Turns out it’s actually harder and I don’t think I could name four people to be my bridesmaids if I had to right now. And that’s not sad .
Teeth Cleaning = Interrogation.
As soon as my dentist gets really quiet while poking around in there, I know what’s about to come next.
“So Caitlyn, are you flossing yet?”
No. The answer has always been no, and will always be no. Just take me away now and save us all some time!
I instantly revert back to being 10 years old.
My brother recently started teaching at the same high school we graduated from and he said that despite all the teachers insisting he can now call them by their first names, he simply cannot .
Like father like son.
I can’t wait until this mini-Gordon grows up so he can call his dad out for over-cooking a steak during family dinner one night and shout, ” IT’S INEDIBLE ” in Ramsay senior’s face.
Oh, what a day that’ll be.
It’s like the IKEA chorus.
” Babe , what do you think of these bar stools?”
“Hey babe , do we need new place mats?”
” Babe ? Babe ? BABE, where are you?? “
Guilty.
Last night I caught myself watching The Great British Bake-Off on my laptop while simultaneously watching Schitt’s Creek on my phone and I think I’ve officially mastered the art of multitasking.
Boyfriend, please take note.
Don’t you dare put me on the jumbrotron, and don’t even think about getting down on one knee in the middle of Time Square.
But you may sing “You’re Just Too Good To Be True” on steel bleachers while running away from security. That’s perfectly acceptable and in fact, it is encouraged.
What other buttons?
I’ll be honest, unless I’m trying to defrost some frozen chicken that I forgot to take out of the freezer, I genuinely only ever touch the 30 Seconds and Popcorn buttons.
Might as well just get rid of the rest of them, as far as I’m concerned.
This dog is a damn *mood*.
I, too, cry when someone eats dinner without me, and will continue to cry until I am offered a chair to participate in the meal.
We’ve reached enlightenment.
I actually stopped and stood in the bakery section of my local supermarket for like, 20 minutes once because I was in awe over the new windows they installed.
There was just so much natural sunlight! Truly incredible workmanship.
I can’t explain how much I hate video conference calls.
The awkward pauses, the struggle with microphones, the having to actually get dressed and put on a bit of mascara so my co-workers don’t think I have coronavirus.
It’s all just too much.
Where’s the lie though?
Men’s shampoo is out here being a 12-in-1, meanwhile I need eight different bottles cluttering up my shower just so I can clean my hair.
I’m not ready yet.
It’s better if this continues to be an unspoken truth. I just don’t think the world is prepared to find out that every secret I hear is a secret my boyfriend hears, too.
And sometimes my mom. Actually, usually my mom.
I think the “one person” is more of a suggestion anyway, TBH.
Why have we never talked about this?
Okay, for those who don’t know, Charlotte went to Smith College and she was a member of the (fictional) sorority Kappa Kappa Gamma.
And sorority rules dictate that your wedding party must be filled with all of your most problematic sisters who will likely drink too much at the reception and all end up crying in some coat room somewhere about their own love lives.
I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Guys on Tinder better learn how to carry a conversation ASAP.
No more of this “wanna come over tn?” nonsense. You’re stuck talking to these people for weeks, maybe months before you actually get to meet them.
Let’s hope you have the personality to back up those shirtless pics, Brad.
“Misshapen” hit extra hard.
Which gingerbread cookie are you today? Personally, I think I’m a fine balance between bloated and fragile, but I could easily become misshapen. We’ll see how the rest of the day pans out.
Seriously, has anyone?
I’m not saying it’ll fix everything but we might as well try , right?
That’s all you need to know.
I’ve never read anything that has so accurately described my friend group, and it also explains why we’re always turned different ways in group photos.
It’s the shock of your life.
I’m usually feeling pretty good about myself right up ’til the time I’m sitting in that chair with soaking wet hair combed flat against my head and a damn cape fastened around my neck, truly emphasizing the double chin I like to pretend I don’t have.
