I don’t know about the rest of you, but my daily routine has quickly slipped into an inexplicable number of naps, broken up by periods of wandering to the kitchen to make a plate of nachos which I will then qualify as a “snack.”
So in other words, quarantine is going great .
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I feel like I’ve really found my rhythm now, so to speak. I’ve made a schedule for myself and even though it’s deeply pathetic, I’m sticking to it. And you can bet I always find time in my super busy day to enjoy some hilarious tweets from women.
Here are some of my favorites that I found this week.
“I remember when I used to hang out with my friends in a New York City coffee shop.”
I also keep having these weird moments where I feel like I need to warn people on television about what’s coming for them in 2020 because they have no clue.
“Look, I know you guys are happy and hugging right now because Rachel got the promotion, but you won’t even want to take the city bus in a few years. Just sayin’.”
Can’t un-see it now. Thanks.
I think it’s the eye brows.
And also the eyes.
And the general expression of concern mixed with confusion. Classic Gyllenhaal.
There’s a reason I didn’t click “buy now”.
$70 is outrageous for a sports bra but watch me order a $30 meal from Uber Eats for the fifth time this week and not even think twice about it.
I understand completely.
Honestly, if I ever just don’t show up to work without offering any sort of an explanation whatsoever, please assume I’m lost in the city somewhere following this exact person and this exact dog.
*Shark Tank* won’t know what hit them.
The other day I gave my boyfriend some baby carrots and he asked if they’re supposed to be that wet and I said yes, and then it occurred to me that maybe we’d all be better off if we didn’t have to deal with inexplicably sopping wet baby carrots right out of the bag.
It’s 2020, let’s get on this.
True colors.
My cousin had a baby and while I won’t say what his name is, I will say it has an unnecessary number of “Y”‘s in it.
So basically I’m no longer speaking to my cousin.
Bacon packaging is a problem we never talk about.
While we’re at it, I would also like someone to come up with cereal packaging that can be re-sealed so my Honey Nut Cheerios stop going stale on me before I have the chance to eat the entire box.
Thank you.
“Husband material” has taken on a whole different meaning now.
Look, I love my boyfriend. Really, I do.
But a few weeks ago he cut my hair for me and I still haven’t fully recovered from that mess so perhaps it’s time we all start getting a bit pickier when it comes to finding life partners.
You keep doing you, Charleston.
If anyone complains about this beautiful angel making any sort of noise, I will straight up end you .
He deserves everything in the world, including the freedom to howl to his little heart’s desire.
Pretty much.
It’s sort of like a process where you start by ditching the bra one day, and then a few days later you find yourself elbow-deep in a bag of Hot Cheetos with both of the girls totally out of the shirt and enjoying this beautiful Wednesday afternoon.
Why don’t we ever talk about this?
I’m not about to start a whole thing here but I definitely think we should bring up this very strange Reese Witherspoon-related occurrence more often.
I just sang this aloud while making a grilled cheese sandwich.
Honestly, it’s about time that song got an update and I’m sufficiently satisfied that bread took center stage in the reboot.
Why bring it up then, Elton?
I’m just saying, no one asked. Like, you’re literally the one who mentioned it and then bailed on that thought entirely.
Could have just left it out, you know?
Not today, mom.
Oh, you thought you were going to shut your eyes for a few minutes? Think again. I just finished that apple juice you gave me and I’m ready to frickin’ go .
We see you and we love you because we were you.
I can distinctly remembering plastering my room from wall to wall and floor to ceiling with a disgusting amount of Zac Efron posters, and glossy pictures of a reluctant Robert Pattinson following through on his contractually-obligated Twilight photo shoots.
It was my masterpiece.
This is how I keep myself entertained nowadays.
There’s a squirrel that’s been wandering up onto my apartment balcony every morning for the last month or so and I’ve decided it’s an especially smart squirrel named Pepper, a Ratatouille type, if you will, who comes to my back door because he wants to watch me expertly prepare my gourmet scrambled eggs and bagel.
He’s just trying to learn .
High School reunion? Oh, no thank you.
The girl who stole my locker in sophomore year has two kids and sells scented wax melts on Facebook full time now, so I think I know just about all I need to know about her. No reunion necessary.
It’s incredibly presumptuous of you, Netflix.
Like, I don’t even know if i want to invest in this yet and you’re already playing it like you just made the decision for me.
This is not what I’m paying you for.
Make your choice.
Personally I’m leaning more towards vampire but only because I think my life is better suited for the late hours and I’m not sure I have the right “body guard” mentality to throw myself in front of a bullet for someone, you know?
10’s across the board.
I know the Olympics are cancelled but now’s the time for us to make our own. Like, putting on jeans, or stopping yourself from eating an entire pan of lasagna at 10 a.m., or stepping foot outside your front door more than once a week.
I’d watch that.
