Everyone likes to think that they know the truth about how the world works. I’m not talking about tinfoil-hat-wearing conspiracy theorists, I’m talking about the sorts of people who know how to make the perfect grilled cheese or know exactly what flavor water is (prepare yourself for that one).
So, get ready to have your mind blown, as I present you with 13+ tweets for those of us who know the truth!
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Reality Check
Ooft, that’s a harsh slice of reality right there. I remember having this moment halfway through my English degree.
Looking For A “Real Woman”
I’m still waiting for the day that people uncover the fact that I am actually 17 weasels wrapped up in a bin-bag.
All Day Baby!
That sounds like a question asked by a man who has bitten off far more than he can chew. I wonder what kinds of stupid things they were doing to prompt this?
The Truth Behind The Garbage
Never talk smack about the garbage men! Those people provide an incredibly important service!
The Truth About Water
I don’t know why I completely understand this, but I do. I don’t think that I will ever drink water the same again!
Farting In An Elevator
This is the carnal sin! People who don’t have the courtesy to hold their toots in until they exit the elevator are the worst!
Put Your Fish Away
I’ve never been fishing, and I don’t ever intend on going. I don’t know why, but I just know that I will be terrible at it and don’t want it proven.
The Secrets To A Healthy Lifestyle
Yep, it’s just as I thought. Good to have my lifestyle choices finally validated!
What Is It Good For?
“But I want this war!”
“Well you can’t have it! Don’t ask me again or I’ll take your military off you!”
25 Minutes At A Time
Oh, what? You just want people to stop playing videogames? Pfft, fat chance!
Chuck E. Cheese
I have never been to Chuck E. Cheese and don’t plan on ever going. I just don’t see the appeal. Also, animatronics are inherently terrifying!
Only Here For The Lollipops
I knew it! Thank goodness I’ve been taking my own lollipops for years now, and to think they called me “weird”.
The Truth Behind The Quiz
I never trusted those quizzes anyway. Especially when I found out that I was Donatello. He’s the worst!
The Everything Bagel
That sounds like one hell of a bagel! Always remember to save your party bagels until after the office drug tests!
The Real Deal
It’s one thing to be in a covers band at all, but to be the second-best cover band is a new low!
Money Can’t Buy Happiness
Also, money kind of can buy happiness. I mean, if you know what to do with it!
The Raddest Shirt
The Dr. Pepper graphic tee was a classic look! Just thinking about it I can smell the 90s.
Leave The Kids Alone!
Just wait until they get to adulthood and they’ve suddenly got taxes and bills to contend with. Let them get as many of their breakdowns out of the way when they’re young.
United By Physics’ Scolding Hand
If we weren’t victims of physics we would go careering off into the vacuum of space. So, you know, be thankful!
Tearing Up
I never cry at weddings. I just don’t get why you would, it’s just essentially a party with a boring church bit shoehorned into the middle.
