We’re all missing our friends right now, and while we can’t get together to see them just yet (because, you know, pandemic), we can at least continue to bond and strengthen our friendships through the power of group chats.
And what better way to bring all our BFFs together for some much-needed laughs than by sharing some really funny tweets with them, courtesy of the hilarious ladies of Twitter!
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So let’s all spread some joy (and absolutely nothing else, please) by passing these gut-busting tweets along to our pals. I’m sure they’ll thank us for it!
The mystery continues.
This is the same way I try to solve the mystery of why I always feel like a bag of garbage even though I don’t eat any vegetables and the only water I drink is hot bean water .
Strange, indeed. Sluuuurp .
Eat it with wine to make it fancy.
My philosophy is anything can be charcuterie if it is paired with a tall glass of the good stuff. If you really want to go the extra mile, dump the contents of that delectable Lunchable onto a cutting board and arrange it into neat little sections.
This is how every one of my Pinterest attempts usually go.
This is also after having to spend twenty minutes scrolling through the recipe author’s lengthy explanation of why they’ve decided to share their recipe for butternut squash soup, which inexplicably begins with a detour-story about their childhood friendships, followed by a tragic tale of love found and love lost.
Nothing scares me anymore.
Look, there could be a murderous clown standing in my kitchen, eating last night’s leftovers while maniacally laughing and applying smeared red lip stick to his face and I probably wouldn’t even bat an eye because that’s just life now, I guess.
Sorry, sis.
But because I’m a firm believer that we shouldn’t wish poorly on other women because we’re all in this together, I trust that she’ll soon come to her senses, leave him, and experience the joys of life without him, just like I have.
This is it, this is what it’s like.
Also make sure she’s in charge of the remote so she can try to pause the movie but end up either turning on the captions, fast-forwarding several scenes, or turning it off altogether.
Ah, movie night.
Improvise, adapt, overcome.
Sometimes you really don’t know how someone’s going to handle a particularly hot piece of gossip, and you need to be ready to switch lanes altogether if they don’t give you the reaction you’re looking for.
And then brag about that one time he “did dishes” for the rest of his life.
My boyfriend’s move is sticking all the dirty dishes in the sink, filling it with water, and claiming he’ll “come back to them” later after they’ve soaked.
Then he watches me do those same dishes the next day and he’ll complain that he was “going to do them!”
Personal growth.
It was a gradual transition, really. First I switched to Diet Coke, then I started changing up the ratios so there was less Coke, more rum, and now we’re exclusively drinking rum.
Cheers.
We go back and forth like this all the time.
When he’s napping, I’ll sit and admire my puppy and wonder how I ever went so long without welcoming this beautiful creature into my life.
When he’s awake and tearing my house apart, I sit in stunned silence on the couch and try to figure out if he’s “in a phase” or if my dog will always be a d***.
Keeps things interesting, that’s for sure.
I know it sounds maniacal, but just watch his face after those words leave your mouth and you’ll get the sickest, most satisfying sense of accomplishment ever.
And you’ll chase that high for the rest of the week, I guarantee it.
