This week, a teenage employee at H&M called me “ma’am”, so when I say I need a good laugh, I mean it .
Look, I’m not saying I’m necessarily young . I mean, no one will be mistaking me for a high school freshman any time soon.
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But I definitely thought I had a few more years before today’s youth started addressing me the same way they do my mom and grandma. So let’s all forget the fact that we’ll never be this young again and share in some good laughs, courtesy of the ladies of Twitter.
They’re in a better place now.
Same goes for all those Tupperware bottoms that disappear and leave us with a cupboard full of lids. I hope you all find what you’re looking for in this world.
“Thank you for helping pay the rent.”
I’ve been out of college long enough that it definitely raises some eyebrows when people find out I still live with students .
But you try paying for a one bedroom in this economy. It’s just not possible, sis.
A sweatshirt for every occasion.
And what are you wearing on bottom? Leggings. Always leggings. And don’t worry, you don’t have to change those. Leggings are universal.
The only time I feel like I’ve got my life together.
Of course, then that mug runs empty and you find yourself suddenly being thrown back into the unfortunate reality that is your life.
But that’s what that second cup is for!
Why have we never talked about this?
I recently re watched all of Boy Meets World on Disney + and I have to say, Topanga was honestly way too good for Cory.
Her hair? Phenomenal. Her brain? Outstanding. Her boyfriend? Often misogynistic, buffoonish, and let’s not forget that one time he kissed another girl and then actually went out with her because he wasn’t sure of his feelings for Topanga.
You know exactly which kind of pajama fits each category, too.
The “sleeping” pajamas are the lightest so you don’t get too hot in the middle of the night; the “sexy” pajamas are those expensive satin ones you only break out when you’re really trying to impress someone; and the “grocery store” ones are the comfiest of the bunch, and probably have some sort of Christmas pattern on them.
Thanks for the nightmares, Netflix.
This is exactly what happened while I was deciding between watching the new Cheer documentary or another episode of Sugar Rush , and Netflix started playing the trailer for Don’t F*ck With Cats .
Suffice it to say, I now decide what I’m going to watch before I go to the Netflix homepage.
All the men in the audience just got torched.
If you have the time, check out the comments to see all the insulted men trying to defend their honor because it only adds to the experience of reading this excellent tweet.
Why can’t we all be on the same “bang” playing field?
I once read an article that said all women are capable of having a great bang experience, it’s just about finding the right bangs for them.
But I’d love to see their research because I’ve tried every kind of bang there is and I still haven’t found my glass slipper of bangs.
You can’t just simply *pick* a karaoke song.
If you get up there to sing a rousing rendition of “American Pie”, you better be prepared to spend the rest of your evening suffering through that 8 and a half minute song and losing audience participation at around the third chorus.
I truly thought these were the key to my happiness.
Look, it’s been nearly 20 years since every girl you knew wore these and you had to beg your mom to buy you a pair. I say it’s time we brought these back into fashion.
I’m ready to live my best life again.
No one was safe on Neopets.
Someone once convinced me they were Eddie from the show That’s So Raven and I spent an entire week of my life thinking I was pen pals with a Disney Channel star.
We all got played on Neopets.
This is especially true after a few alcoholic beverages.
I’ve never been so open with a person as I was the night I called at Uber at like, 3 in the morning and spent the entire ride back to my apartment telling the driver about my crippling fear of motherhood.
We truly bonded during that seven minute ride and that’s why Wayne got five stars.
Don’t gotta shame me like that, Chipotle.
This has the same energy as the moment when a McDonald’s employee loudly announces your order to the entire restaurant and you have to walk over to the counter to claim your bag of five single hash browns.
“It’s getting serious!”
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for us to read between the lines when guys almost never say what they really mean. Excuse us for trying to decipher all your emotional riddles.
This tweet perfectly explains the experience of aging.
At some point, you realize that your “jams” are no longer everyone’s jams. One day, your favorite songs are reduced to being played over the speakers at your local grocery store so you can sing “MMMBop” under your breath while you shop for deli meat.
Gotta be careful with that face, girl.
I also have a serious problem controlling my RBF and sometimes catch myself grimacing at people for absolutely no reason . Like, I am so sorry, you definitely did not deserve the heat of that stare.
“But mom, I *need* the new Guinness Records book!”
I also had a bad habit of circling all the super cool new gadgets I wanted too, which is how I once ended up with a plastic flip phone that supposedly could eavesdrop in on people’s conversations but only ever amounted to me wearing headphones while holding a fake cell phone in fourth grade.
Every night is a lil’ surprise.
I like to keep things interesting. Never let your body know what’s going to happen next. Will I go to bed at 3 AM tonight or 8 PM? Who knows?
Sorry, it’s a different kind of hungry.
The fridge is full of ingredients , not food. And I want chicken nuggets.
Avoid at all costs. Except, you know, for travel.
The airport just exists in its own little apocalyptic-style realm, where some people aren’t even 100% sure what country they’re in, and no one is ever dressed for the weather of that particular place.
My dentist has never texted me before so this is an interesting situation you find yourself in.
But if I had to pick one, I’d say “So cute!” because you gotta stand by your own molars and be damn proud , sis.
I’m my own pet’s most dedicated stalker.
Okay, but hear me out. If they didn’t want their pictures taken, they why they always be sleeping in such photogenic poses?
Riddle me that!
Uber drivers have no shame in clocking their riders.
I once got into an Uber and watched the driver scroll through his little Spotify playlists until he found the perfect one for little ol’ me: “Basic White Teenage Girl”.
I can’t remember the last time I drank a Gatorade when I *wasn’t* sweating.
When I was a kid, they were stocked in the family fridge for chugging after some sort of sports game. As an adult, I keep a mostly-empty case underneath my bed for those mornings when everything hurts and my tongue is fuzzy.
That’s called growing up .
Tell me, what question can be *that* important, Debbie?
And if you just raised your hand to tell us a story that vaguely relates to the topic of the meeting, I promise I will never send you a “happy birthday” message on Facebook ever again because you are now my damn enemy .
I’ve eaten many a salsa dip because of this.
One time I made an entire box of those variety hors d’oeuvres from the grocery store and left it in the oven to keep warm before my guests arrived.
Long story short, breakfast the next morning was a heaping plate of mozzarella sticks, sausage rolls, and jalapeno poppers. Honestly? Not a terrible way to start the work day.
I still don’t fully know to be honest.
I never thought that one day I’d be on the other end of some trend feeling like a damn boomer but here we are.
It’s toxic.
Nothing triggers me more than when I hear that alarm on TV or in a YouTube video and my heart starts pounding because I instinctively think I’ve overslept and I’m about to be late for work.
I’m ready to help to the best of my limited abilities.
My favorite part of playing this role is when my boyfriend asks me to do something and I can shout, “Yes, chef!”
Nothing form-fitting for me, thanks.
I haven’t seen my own figure in a while and I’m actually O.K. with that.
Don’t lie, we’ve all thought this.
Sometimes I get this even without the tampon and I’m convinced I’m having some sort of delayed TS symptom.
I never wanna be her again.
That girl gave up precious sleep for some boy and I wish she knew better because no man is worth losing sleep over in any capacity.
Sorry, it’s a *thicc*ness.
I get the same feeling after I spend a few minutes on the treadmill. Look out world, fitness queen coming through.
Every damn morning.
One time I spilled my coffee on the bus ride to work and seriously considered just calling it a day and going home again.
Okay but I actually thought Love *was* my girl Hilary when she first came on screen.
I had to pause the show and go on IMDB to confirm that a) it was not Hilary and b) it also wasn’t some other Duff sister I don’t know about.
I’m always down for another course.
My family never let dessert be a thing in our house, so imagine my damn delight when I found out my boyfriend’s mom insists on having dessert after every meal.
I know where I’m eating every night.
Someone’s gotta.
Look, it was a nice gesture. But I think we can all agree that “Yummy” missed whatever mark it was aiming for, and as both his wife and the inspiration, it’s up to Hailey to break the news to JB.
This is unacceptable.
Sometimes I go to the gym just to sit in the massage chairs and drink a smoothie. But I still expect results. This is a gym , after all.
