Having a child comes with a ton of responsibility. That, mixed with rising costs and plenty of other factors, lead many to the decision to simply not have one.
But what happens when someone who doesn’t want a kid ends up having one anyway due to factors outside of their control? One father took to a forum to ask how to navigate his complicated feelings about the matter when he wound up in that exact scenario.
For many parents, having a child was a goal, a dream to be reached and celebrated.
However, not all parents were aiming to have children when they wound up pregnant anyway. This can cause a myriad of confusing, upsetting emotions for those involved, like one father who posted his situation to a relationship advice board on Reddit.
He titled his post, “Got baby trapped and now I’m scared I (25M) resent my son.”
He explains that when he was dating his ex, they both originally were against the idea of having kids. As time went on, he kept that opinion, while his ex started leaning more towards wanting them, and kept trying to sway him to her side.
He didn’t budge, yet five months later she told him she was pregnant. She revealed that she had stopped taking her birth control and also poked holes in some of his condoms because she wanted a baby that badly.
He ended the relationship immediately, but his family still pushed him to be involved in his son’s life since he was innocent in all this.
He was there for everything from the ultrasounds to his birth and is still in his life today. This is where his main worries come in.
“I hate to admit this but I still don’t feel anything. […] The first time I held my son I was freaking out. I didn’t feel no warmth or like I became a father. The only thing that came to my head was ‘This is for life now’,” he starts.
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“Sometimes when I’m on my way home I stay parked in my car because I’m not ready to be home yet and deal with the chaos.”
When looking at his new position in life, the man explains, “I hate that I feel this way. I hate how tired I am all the time. I’m scared that I’m never going to love him or feel the way a dad should feel about their baby.”
However, he still “Tr[ies] to play with him, take him to the park just me and him, put a fake smile when I’m playing with him and he’s giggling, do our own stuff together to bond but all I think about is I didn’t want this.”
He still wants to be the father that his son deserves.
The man continued by stating, “I don’t wanna hurt him or make him grow up feeling like his dad don’t love him. Just want to be able to love my son and be the dad he deserves since I know he didn’t ask for this […].”
This unexpected new father is also taking on a large parenting role.
In the post’s comment section, the man explains his son’s living situation, “He’s been mostly with me for the last 5 months. Then take him to my ex 3 days out of the week. She’s not living in a good place so it’s better he’s not there all the time.”
Just the fact that he is aware that the living conditions at his ex’s are unfit for a baby, and doesn’t want his son exposed to that, shows that deep down, he truly cares.
Luckily, the internet was very sympathetic to his situation, and gave him plenty of reassurance.
One user commented, “I realize you may feel like a bad dad, but you stepped up to be there for this child even though he was a product of lying and assault.”
“Your child is a product of your assault. It’s not unusual that you’d feel this way,” wrote another, “[…] While you’re not feeling the bond, you are taking the steps to be a good father. Yes, bonding is important, too, but that’s so complex with how your child was conceived.”
There was one piece of advice that everyone agreed on, though.
And it was this user seeking therapy. Working through these types of feelings on one’s own can be nigh impossible, so having a professional help guide him through it as well as aid him in deciding what to do going forward would help immensely.
His later comments suggested he would be following through on that suggestion, too.
The man writes in the comment section, “Therapy seems to be the best route to dealing with this and I think I’ll give myself that chance to explore.”
He then adds, “Anything really to stop going the way that I am because it’s too overwhelming. Really grateful for all this support, it’s been a tremendous help I’m hoping it’s not always like this with him.”
Seeing him take all these steps to do right by his son means that, should he choose to stay, he’ll make a great father.
