Look, we don’t mean to hit you over the head with this headline, but there’s really no other way to say it: a guy trained a meth-fueled squirrel to attack his enemies. Clearly this one’s going to need some unpacking.
Guard animals are nothing new.
Many of us have a pet dog to alert us if anything weird is happening. Lots of these dogs are honestly pretty ineffective at this, but at least the idea makes sense.
It isn’t just guard dogs.
Who could forget the news out of Canada that a grow op was being guarded by straight-up bears? The beasts were pretty docile and existed on a diet of dog food, apparently.
…but a guard squirrel?
I wouldn’t believe it either, but here we are. Nothing has been proven in court yet, but you read the headline: guard squirrels are now a thing, and meth keeps them aggressive.
It went down in Limestone County, Alabama.
Police say they arrived at a local property to investigate reports that a resident was keeping a pet squirrel in a cage and giving it drugs. It turns out those reports were absolutely correct.
This man is wanted.
Police say Mickey Paulk is wanted on charges of feeding meth to a squirrel. Since that crime isn’t on the books, he’s wanted for possession of a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia and firearms charges.
At the house, police found meth, and a squirrel (who was on the meth).
“Prior to the search warrant, investigators were informed that Mickey Paulk kept an ‘attack squirrel’ inside his apartment, and that Paulk fed the squirrel meth to keep it aggressive,” said police in a news release.
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One arrest has been made.
Police arrested Ronnie Reynolds and charged him with similar stuff to the warrants for Paulk. It seems that Paulk is the one who’s believed to have been feeding meth to the squirrel.
What about the squirrel?
You’ve gotta feel sorry for the little guy, right? Police, somewhat hilariously, noted that there’s no safe way to test the squirrel for meth, and decided to release it into the woods.
On June 18, Paulk posted a video to Facebook denying that he ever gave the squirrel meth.
He also said he doesn’t live in the house that police are investigating and is with a squirrel in the video.
In the video, Mickey is seen petting and holding a squirrel.
“He’s not a trained attack squirrel and he’s not on meth I’m pretty sure. I better not find out he’s on meth, anyway. I don’t like he likes that [expletive],” he explained .
“I pulled up and he’d never been outside before, so he was on top of a tree just screaming.”
“I pulled up and whistled. He jumped his little [expletive] right on my shoulder and came right along with me. So the squirrel is safe, y’all.”
He assured everyone that the squirrel is healthy.
“He’s alive and well this [expletive]. He’s healthy.”
Paulk is still at large.
If you’re in Alabama and have news that might help police catch a guy who literally gave a squirrel meth to make it aggressive, you can call the Limestone County Sheriff’s Office at (256) 232-0111.
You don’t hear about this stuff every day.
What do you think of this story? Animal cruelty is a terrible thing, and it seems like this guy has found a way to take it to an absurd new level. Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
