It’s no secret that the new decade is off to a pretty rocky start. Actually, “rocky” feels like a serious understatement, so let’s just all call it what it is: a damn disaster .
When the news of the day has got you feeling down and you start to realize that 2020 actually isn’t going to be “your year,” like you told everyone on social media it would be, you can count on the ladies of Twitter to help cheer you up with some hilarious tweets.
So let’s all take a moment to laugh together because if we can’t laugh about our world, we just might cry about it. And my mascara is too expensive for that nonsense.
It’s time.
How therapeutic would it be if for just one day a year, you could shout at some boomer because of an expired coupon, or tell Karen where she can stick her complaints when she starts demanding to speak to your manager?
Oh, what a world that would be.
This is the title of my autobiography.
Men, take note. Also, the reason I’m not smiling isn’t because I’m being flirty, I just I don’t think what you said was funny. And I’m not texting you because I’m playing coy, it’s because I have no interest in talking to you.
Terrifying.
Look, all I’m saying is I don’t cross the street when I see a pack of teenage boys walking towards me.
Always be prepared.
I don’t know about you, but I think chicken carbonara sounds like the perfect carbload dish for my pre-marathon prep. I mean, it’s right there in the name.
You’ll never know.
Sometimes it’s both, sometimes it’s neither. The human body is a complex little vessel of random aches and pains and we’re all just going along for the ride.
I’d pay a disgusting amount of money to see this concert.
Someone please make the Spice Yodas ASAP because I didn’t realize that was the one thing my entire life has been missing.
Excuse me while I go all CSI on my mans.
Not only are women experts at tracking people down online, they’re also incredibly skilled at finding out who’s been in their man’s bed so why don’t we all save ourselves some time and admit who the hell owns this strand of hair on your pillow, Brandon ???
Or, more appropriately, “and with your spirit,” because the church gotta be keeping things fresh I guess.
“Lift up your light sabers.”
Me: “We lift them up to the Lord.”
You can’t just unlearn years of forced Catholicism, guys. Once you know it, you know it for life.
Maybe the chicken dance would work better?
Look, if you can’t snag a man after putting your heart and soul into the Humpty dance then I don’t think your Prince Charming is in the crowd tonight.
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Ah, the good ol’ days.
Other fond memories include being able to eat whatever I wanted without worrying about gaining weight, going to bed at 8 PM every night, and my mom calling the doctor’s office for me.
Gotta see what’s up on the smaller internet.
This has the same sort of energy as when you’re talking to the same person on two different apps and you’re having two very different conversations.
Honestly? Totally understandable.
One time I saw someone I knew from high school at a Walmart so I waved but they didn’t wave back.
So then I ended up waving at everyone else who walked past me, like that’s just something I do and that other person wasn’t special, and I’m still not sure why my brain decided that was the best way to recover.
Frugal, but only sometimes.
I willingly let my lettuce go bad every week but I’ll be damned if I’m about to throw out that empty bottle of shampoo. I’ll keep adding water to that ish until it’s only water. Waste not want not, am I right?
It was fun while it lasted, girls.
Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and all bras must eventually end up back on our bodies at some point. It’s a sad, sad world we live in.
Please make this a real thing.
I can’t keep acting like my mom’s own personal IMDB with every movie and television show we watch because sometimes she doesn’t even know who the person is and me saying Blake Lively was on Gossip Girl literally means nothing to her.
“We’ll see.”
Like, reach for the stars and all that but, you know, don’t get too excited . That’s all I’m gonna say.
Where is the lie though?
The same goes for any artisanal coffee shops that also serve alcohol. Trust me, you want to avoid these guys at all costs. If he layers his clothes and inexplicably wears two jackets, he is not worth your time, sis.
Dreaming big this year.
And remember guys, no one else can feel it for you. Only you can let it in.
She’s a monster.
Okay, but if I put all the cold stuff together, that means I want it all to stay together . Don’t be going off script and putting my chicken in the same bag as my bread. That’s just not cool with me.
My flip phone had all the latest and greatest hits.
Guys, we willingly paid $2.50 so Rihanna’s “Shut Up and Drive” could play when someone called us. And we were all just sort of somehow O.K. with that?
I don’t even let my phone vibrate too loudly now.
