Look, I’m not going to get into all the nonsense that’s been going on lately, but I think we can all agree we’re way overdue for a good laugh.
So rather than continue to spend our days staring out the window and trying to remember what life was like before all of this, let’s come together for a good old fashioned chuckle fest. And who better to help put us in stitches than the good ladies of Twitter? No one, that’s who.
If you’re like me and the world is starting to feel just too damn heavy, I suggest you stop what you’re doing and enjoy these hilarious tweets. That’s my plan, anyway.
AKA: taking out the trash.
I can’t even begin to explain the rush I feel whenever I permanently delete someone from Facebook who was nasty to me in high school.
Sorry Brittany P, you just didn’t make the cut.
It’s a super fun game we get to play.
At some point you get sick of going on first dates and you just decide that the next guy who seems even remotely interested in you will become the love of your life.
JK. But only a little.
I must not have been clear on what your job requirements are.
As my boyfriend you are pretty much legally obligated to take my side on every single matter, even if I’m most definitely the one in the wrong.
Also, you have to hate everyone I hate. Nonnegotiable.
Sissy that walk.
My dad was always the biggest fan at my impromptu living room fashion shows. That man would cheer for me, clap for me, and even ask for me to do a little spin in my sassy new skort from Sears.
Love you, dad.
Please no.
I’m running out of things to do, and I can’t stop watering my plants. And I know they don’t need water but I just don’t know what else to do anymore.
Y’all just gonna have to keep drinking, I’m sorry.
It’s just not worth it.
Yeah, it’s going to prepare you for that full time job later on and sure, it’s going to look pretty good on your resume.
But that internship is just asking way too much of you, and it gives so little in return.
Take *that*.
Sometimes this is me, and sometimes I’m the person who realizes I actually forgot to turn over that load of laundry six days ago and all the clothes in the washing machine have a really pungent, really damp smell now.
Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose, right?
Good news, mom!
He even said it was his “pleasure” so yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s serious.
Of course you should call grandma!
I mean, it all worked out for Donna.
As long as you ignore the events of Mamma Mia 2: Here We Go Again . And obviously we do.
Behind those eyes lies a painful story.
She’s experienced something terrible, something truly awful.
She’s just not ready to talk about it yet.
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That’s it, that’s high school.
I didn’t have a single history or English teacher I didn’t like in high school, and I’m actually friends with several of them on Facebook now.
But I don’t even think about the math teachers I had to suffer entire semesters with, and don’t even get me started on Coach Warburton.
Why is this so true?
My mom also can’t understand why I do my hair before I go to the salon, but she’ll spend two hours before the cleaning lady shows up making our house look spotless.
Every single time.
Tune in tomorrow when I have to sound out the word “Feb-ru-ary”.
Patience.
You gotta get through the storm to appreciate the sunshine, right?
That’s me, by the way. I’m the sunshine. Not sure if that was clear enough.
It ain’t love, sis.
One time I went on a first date with a boy who pretended he left his wallet at home so I paid for both the dinner and the movie, but the wallet somehow magically showed up in his back pocket later.
That’s how I knew this wasn’t my Prince Charming I was sitting beside at Dumb And Dumber To (his choice, obviously.)
ASAP.
For God’s sake, stop making her neck hurt for no reason and teach her how to use an elliptical already.
Apparently naps are picky.
Those are the worst — when you know your body needs at least twenty quick minutes of shut-eye, but your brain won’t shut up and your body can’t get comfortable and you end up lying on top of your blankets feeling miserable.
And tired.
What is this “shopping” you speak of?
I can’t remember the last time I actually bought something in a store but here’s some pictures of me modeling six different pairs of sun glasses I didn’t buy from Target.
It’s a mystery to everyone.
Time does not exist right now, and that’s O.K. We’ll catch up once everything is over. Until then, I think I’ll shower tomorrow.
Probably.
We’ll see.
It all makes sense now.
I’ve got nothing going on at all during the day, so of course I’m going to make spaghetti at 3:30 PM. It’s almost liberating to eat dinner before 6 PM.
Those retirees are definitely onto something.
