Sometimes, I cannot believe the outright audacity that things have for simply existing. Sure, that may make me seem like I’m some kind of monster who can’t appreciate the more unique things in life, and honestly, you’re probably right. I’m in a grumpy mood, so you’re going to have to deal with me throwing salt all over anything that stands out from the crowd.
1. I mean, I can certainly appreciate the skill that went into making this happen, but that doesn’t mean that it needed to happen in the first place.
Then again, I’ve had the same haircut since I was 8, so you have to take everything that I say with a grain of salt.
2. Okay, but seriously, THIS. I don’t know if people do this in women’s washrooms as well, but good lord, can you please just recognize that no one wants to be interrupted while they’re in that stall?
If I wanted to be chatty, I’d pretend to be a restroom doorman and hand out mints and stuff.
3. Whoa. Slow down there. A box, an egg, AND a sheet? I didn’t realize that it was my birthday and Christmas all rolled into one.
Wait a minute, it’s an empty box? That’s just too much. I mean, I appreciate the thought that went into it, but I’m gonna have to ask for a receipt. I just can’t accept a gift like this.
4. Do you enjoy owning pets, but also love the constant threat of feeling like they’re going to leave you at any given moment? Then Blob-Bowl™ may be just the product for you!
I get that blown glass is cool and all, but seriously, who needs this in their life? Just get a more extreme pet if you’re that bored.
5. Waaaaaaiiiiiit a minute.
I’m starting to think that the fine people at Kruidvat don’t actually know what the word “wireless” means. Or wait, do I not know what wireless means? Did I get got by that bean salesman who sold me wireless beans?
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6. When she says “My eyes are up here” but they’re actually up here, here, here, and here.
Once again, this is probably just me being mad at people for having actual talent, but also what in the world are you doing, woman?
7. The sequel nobody asked for, but many people were offended by.
If you do want a biblical sequel, I hear that they’re making a Passion of the Christ 2 . And no, that’s not a joke.
8. I’ve never wanted to punch someone within seconds of meeting them before.
Hell, I didn’t even meet this person yet. I’m just bitter and cynical. I’d actually be terrified to drive a car like this.
9. Everyone wants to leave their mark. Most of us want to do it in a way that doesn’t eventually dissipate when the air freshener kicks in, but you do you, I guess.
10. I’m all for a harmless office prank, but if you do this, you’re both dead to me and canceled.
I don’t really know what the difference is between those two. I guess if you’re canceled, I can still watch you on Netflix sometimes, or if I remembered to buy the boxed set.
11. Sheath Louise…
Listen. I am like, 99% in support of people doing their thing and selling their arts and crafts on Etsy. But a man’s got to draw the line somewhere, doesn’t he? Maybe I’m just grumpy that I don’t have one of these and have to suffer from Frigid Equipment Syndrome. At least that’s the excuse I like to use.
12. Google, you doing okay?
To be fair, this could have happened because somebody typed it in seconds before and then just tried to type it in once again. But still, that means someone had this thought in the first place. Am I just jealous that someone thought of it before me? Yes.
13. Seriously, who is this for?
Even if you’re a huge horror fan, you’re still going to drop a log into your drawers every time you stumble into the bathroom at 2 a.m. for a glass of water. Just don’t do this to yourself, people. Respect yourselves.
14. Well, that’s going to change everything moving forward.
Every time I see the temperature drop below zero, I’m going to wait with baited anticipation for it to hit -4. Then I’ll giggle, and no one will know why.
15. I’ve seen a Hawk do extreme sports before, but never a sheep.
If you were thinking I didn’t just stop for 10 minutes to try to come up with an amazing wool/roller skating pun, you would be wrong. I came up empty, but darn it, I still want credit for the effort.
16. Whoever’s job it was to print these cards made a real ace of themselves.
Or maybe these are from some kind of wonky deck that’s designed to trick me, and that’s why I’m always losing $200 every time I play against my niece at family poker games. Yeah. That’s what it is. There’s no way Brandi’s better than me.
17. Now when I said that these “don’t need to exist,” I may need to do a taste test first.
After all, if we can replicate all the fun of eating squirrel without actually harming any rodents, I should probably back that kind of science.
18. I just. I don’t know how to comment on this because I don’t understand what’s happening.
They look like CPR dolls got fused with baby birds. I’m not sure whether to resuscitate them or regurgitate into their mouths.
19. “Aw man, you got some great new shoes. Are those Nikes or Adidas?” Yes.
How does this even happen? Is this just someone not being sure exactly who they should knock off?
20. “Hey honey, I’m wondering water you doing for the rest of your life?”
“My heart is melon every time I’m close to you…also, I’m not very good at puns, but I’m great at weird expressions of romance.”
21. Why am I entering my third decade of life and only just now discovering that pizza vending machines are a thing?
I’m also pretty upset that I was promised Mike and Ikes and instead you’re offering me Tootsie Rolls. This machine serves nothing but disappointment.
22. Here we have a picture of two eggs and one thing that I guess we’ll call an eegggg?
I really don’t know what to do with this information. Do I keep it? Do I eat it? Do I bronze it? What’re you supposed to do with weird eggs, beyond photographing them for the internet?
23. I’m upset that I’m looking at this, but on the plus side, I’m kind of craving gummy worms. So that’s kind of a positive, I guess?
These are actually called “gooseneck barnacles,” for what I think are obvious reasons.
24. There’s no word to describe how I feel about this business. Oh wait, the word “sketchy” exists. So let’s go with that.
I’ve never heard someone talk about a therapy shed before, and now I understand why.
