Every generation has its own version of the misfit crowd who have no interest in acting or appearing to be “mainstream” — think of goths, or hippies, or punks, and so on. Chances are, many of those who took up Birkenstocks and stopped shaving eventually went back to closed-toe shoes and picked up their razors again.
And some of you might remember the late ’90s swing music revival. While yes, it was fun, and some folks from those days might still cut a rug to the Squirrel Nut Zippers, if you invested in a zoot suit company, you probably never saw that money again. It was, of course, just a passing fad.
Being non-binary is not like that. With fads, you put on your goth makeup or your zoot suit to fit into the crowd. Coming out is a matter of taking off the costume you’ve always been wearing and finally embracing your true self.
Demi Lovato is the latest big name to come out as non-binary.
Before Demi Lovato’s big announcement , probably the highest profile person to come out as non-binary was British singer Sam Smith, who has won four Grammy awards as well as both a Golden Globe and an Oscar for “Writing’s on the Wall,” the theme to 2015’s James Bond film Spectre .
While Smith’s revelation might have surprised many fans, it wasn’t quite the same situation with Lovato. Demi was someone fans had grown up alongside, from the days of Barney through the Camp Rock movies to international singing stardom, with millions of albums sold and multiple hits. For some fans, it may have felt like they had been blindsided by the Demi they thought they had known well for a long, long time. But for Demi, it was a long time coming.
What does it mean to be non-binary?
It seems a bit more difficult to define than, say, transgender, in which a person’s body doesn’t match their gender identity.
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As athlete Chris Mosier put it, “Non-binary is a term used to describe individuals who may experience a gender identity that is neither exclusively male or female or is in between, beyond, or totally independent of those two binary genders.
“There’s no one way to be non-binary. Non-binary people do not have to look or act a certain way to be non-binary. Not all non-binary people use they/them pronouns, and not all people who use they/them pronouns identify as non-binary.”
So, simply, it’s someone for whom those labels of male and female and possibly the pronouns of him and her just don’t describe who they are.
So, it’s…fluid. And it’s not about fitting in.
As Courtney Stodden put it when they announced their non-binary identity, “I don’t Identify as she or her. I’ve never felt like I ever fit in anywhere. I was bullied horribly in school because I was different. The other girls never understood me. It got so bad that my mom pulled me out of school. And still, i don’t fit in. I never really connected with anyone my age. My spirit is fluid with a kaleidoscope of color.”
And basically, there are two responses when a Lovato or a Smith or a Stodden makes such an announcement: you can be a jerk about it, or you can be respectful. But respect might actually require a bit of work.
Change is hard.
It’s not easy to adopt a new, unfamiliar way to refer to people.
And let’s face it, society has long been set up to put us all into one of two camps based on our reproductive organs. But those two camps just don’t work for everyone. Some are born into the wrong one, and some don’t belong in either. That has always been the case; what has changed over the past couple of decades is simply increasing awareness of it and more people willing to be true to themselves rather than live a closeted life.
The language has not made the transition any easier, either.
Other languages like French are more gendered than English, but still, she and her and he and his are baked into us, language-wise. I get it; “they” and “them” don’t sound quite right to the ear, especially when referring to a single person.
What’s more, “them” has long been a term used for to evoke a sense of mysterious other -ness, like an amorphous and vaguely threatening entity. You know, Them . So it’s a bit challenging to wrap your head around adopting such term for someone even when you’re trying to be respectful.
But history is on the side of non-binary folks all the same.
The singular “they” has been in use for centuries, dating back to at least 1375 according to the Oxford English Dictionary .
And language, like gender, can be more fluid than you might expect. Back in 1660, the founder of Quakerism, George Fox, wrote a fiery treatise defending “thee” and “thou” and calling anyone using the singular “you” an idiot. We can see now how well that went over. There are few better ways to sound hopelessly antiquated than to throw a few “thous” and “thines” into your sentences.
Even if “they” and “them” don’t sound right, your ears can adjust over time.
It’s okay to not be perfect at it.
Heck, even Demi admitted as much in their announcement. “I’m still learning and coming into myself, and I don’t claim to be an expert or a spokesperson,” they wrote on Instagram .
The important thing is to put in some effort. Try. Be respectful.
Basic respect is what you’d want from someone else, after all, and it’s not like it’s that difficult.
We’re only going to see more Demi Lovatos and Sam Smiths, not less, so best get used to it.
