Trust is a very powerful feeling. Without it, many things wouldn’t work, and life would be more difficult because no one would dare do many things. People are usually trusting by nature, but sometimes circumstances allow them to become really suspicious about others’ intentions. And then it becomes really hard to regain that trust.
Reddit user tryapw experienced that when her daughter from her first marriage got in touch after years of alienation with the intention of having a better relationship with her. The woman was still not sure she could fully trust her daughter again and she hesitated to allow her to spend Christmas with her and her new family.
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Here’s the story in her own words.
Mom of 24 yo from first marriage and 12 & 10 yo from second reflects on a difficult time
A young mom works to provide for her family, pushing her husband to get a job. Things don’t end up well.
The ex-wife’s financial struggles are revealed when her daughter breaks contact and things turn ugly when she requests to spend Christmas with her new family.
Mom tried her best with limited funds, but her daughter’s requests turn argumentative
Mom’s loving relationship with her daughter had turned sour after the daughter reached 16
Daughter estranged for years reconnects, looks to spend with new family, mom says no
Mom denies daughter’s request to spend Christmas with her new family, sparking an ugly argument.
Daughter wants to spend Christmas with her new family, but her mom says no and tempers flare
Mom’s biological daughter wants to spend Christmas with her new family, but the mom refuses and the argument heats up.
A mother-daughter relationship strained by years of child alienation. A Christmas request that could mend it all?
When a mother-daughter relationship is strained by years of child alienation, it can be hard to know where to start recapturing the connection. After years of living in a household where her husband was unemployed and his father paid their bills, the mother of a 24-year-old daughter divorced her first husband.
Their daughter, who was five years old at the time, was alienated from her by her father, and when she was 16, she called her mother by her name. With trust broken and resentment built, the daughter reached out to reconnect when she was 24.
But when a Christmas request is made and the mother says no, an argument ensues. With all the pieces in play, who is in the wrong? See what commenters had to say below about the story .
The of reconnecting with a daughter
The OP is YTA for not giving grace to their daughter, who has been manipulated, abused, and estranged from them for years. The daughter is trying to rebuild the connection despite the difficult past, but the OP feels uncomfortable with their daughter being around their other kids. Although the daughter’s reaction isn’t ideal, the OP should consider giving her grace, especially since rebuilding relationships takes time.
Sad story between mom and daughter
Commenter expresses empathy towards both the daughter and the mom, implying that the real a-holes are the ex, the stepmom, and the grandfather. Another commenter agrees, applauding the empathetic response.
No one is the a**hole here?
The commenter believes the dad is the only a**hole, as he manipulated the daughter into hating her own mom. In the replies, one wonders if the daughter is still being punished for her childhood decisions and that it’s possible that neither of the parents is the a**holes. Another reply states that taking a slow approach is the best for everyone involved, particularly the younger children.
One comment sees both sides of NAH
The commenter sees both sides of the situation as the daughter wants to make up for lost time and the mom’s reluctance to open up to the daughter again. They suggest that even if the mother isn’t comfortable this Christmas, keeping future holidays open as an option might be beneficial to the family.
The replies suggest that the mother’s story is the only part highlighted and that the daughter might have a completely different perspective on the separation that should be taken into consideration.
Protecting family ✊️
The commenter explains that the mother is Not the A**hole (NTA) here, as she is protecting her family by trying to rebuild a relationship with her estranged daughter and introducing her (and the other children) to her daughter in the right way. The replies agree with the comment and share their own personal experiences of trying to avoid similar issues.
A daughter cuts off contact with her mom for years, and now seeks to reconnect with her for Christmas… NAH!
The comment suggests that the choice of words matters. The commenter suggests that the mom should’ve used softer words like ‘I need time to heal, let’s rebuild just us before we involve more family’ instead of saying ‘I don’t trust you’. In reply, it was pointed out that the daughter might have felt abandoned by her mom when she stopped fighting for her when things got hard.
Forgiveness takes & it’s on OP’s
This section shows that while the original poster (OP) is an adult and looks at the situation with an adult’s perception, they are still allowed to be human, feel hurt, and protect themselves. The comment replies provide an additional viewpoint of the situation, suggesting that some individuals might suggest that the OP should forgive and forget if the roles were reversed. This section provides an overall sentiment of understanding and support for OP.
Custody battle
A commenter asks how a man with no job was able to get full custody of a child. Replies explain how it’s possible in certain small communities, as well as provide a personal story detailing the abuse and trauma that can often happen with such a situation. Everyone’s experiences are valid, but abuse can never be accepted.
Daughter attempts to reconnect
The comment asks what made the daughter reach out to her mother and what opened her eyes to her father’s actions. Unfortunately, there were no replies for this inquiry.
NTA: ♀️Can’t force a connection
The commenter is Not The A**hole, as they argue that the daughter’s sudden desire to spend Christmas with her mom and new family cannot force a connection that’s taken years to develop between them. One reply affirms the commenter’s point of view and emphasizes that there are some other sane adults in this argument.
‘s Daughter–Does Father’s $$ =️️ Custody?
The comment speculates about the court’s disposition of custody to the father and questions the context of the article, to which two replies provide details about the financial capabilities of the father and the implication of the mother’s financial instability.
A daughter estranged from her mom ,
The comment suggests that it’s not the daughter’s fault that she was estranged from her mom, and that the mom should be happy that her daughter wants to reconnect. In the replies, commenters express confusion over the facts of the case and suggest that there may be another side to the story.
Mom daughter family YTA?
The daughter is trying to reach out and make amends with her mom after being alienated by her father, yet the mom is reluctant to forgive and is possibly pushing her daughter away. The comment replies suggest the daughter is feeling rejected and alone, while resentful of her mother for not fighting for her when she was a child.
YTA or NAH?
The comment is debating whether the daughter’s mistakes of cutting off contact with her mom should be judged the same as the mom’s mistakes when she was younger. The replies point out that the mom’s mistakes when younger were much greater than her daughter’s, and that the daughter only gets judged instead of being given the grace to learn from her mistakes. OP’s behavior is being called a-hole-ish by the comment and replies.
NTA: “Be Ready” ⚖️
The commenter believes the mom is not the a-hole for her decision to not let the daughter spend Christmas with her mom. The commenter also calls BS on the daughter’s justification of the situation being out of her control, as the daughter could have spoken to her mom about her situation as a teen. The reply to the comment adds that the daughter was a child in a difficult situation and was likely being manipulated.
Are you willing to forgive and reconnect with your child?
The comment suggests OP should try to reconnect with her child, as it is a chance of a lifetime and it takes effort to deprogram oneself from how one was brought up. In the replies, it is discussed that if OP pushes her daughter away now, her daughter’s mind will be confirmed that OP is a deadbeat mom. It is pointed out that if OP doesn’t want a relationship with her daughter, she should stop pretending and stop judging her daughter on the hurtful words said in the past.
The argument ✋ turns ugly
Commenter accuses the OP of being a massive a-hole for cutting off contact with her daughter and now not trusting her around her family. Commenter suggests the OP forgives her daughter for things that were not her fault.
An unexpected query…
The comment writer asked how old the daughter was when the parent moved away and started another family, with a comment reply of ‘[removed]’.
“Forgiving someone” doesn’t mean you have to open your life to hurt again
The commenter says NTA and argues that forgiving someone does not mean you have to blindly re-enter their life and expose yourself to potential hurt. They recall a story about someone whose children had cut all contact but wanted to reconnect as adults. The comment urges caution, as the daughter had called names when she didn’t get her way. The reply adds their personal experience of rebuilding a relationship with an estranged parent.
YTA: Mom says ‘no’ to with
The commenter calls out the mother for not allowing her daughter to come over for Christmas, citing her daughter’s past experiences of parental alienation and their past lack of contact. Responses to the comment point out the difficulty of rebuilding trust between the two, as well as the complex nature of the relationship between siblings compared to a mother-daughter relationship.
Kids vs. adults
The comment expresses a sentiment of surprise at teenagers taking the side of the daughter in the argument. One reply points out the unfair double standards of parents expecting perfection from their children, yet not submitting to the same standards from their own kids.
NTA: Rebuild your relationship
The commenter believes that the mother should rebuild her relationship with her daughter before introducing her to her other kids, as it was phrased poorly at first.
Parenting doesn’t always go as planned
The original comment suggests that the parent is playing the victim to gain sympathy, and may be punishing their daughter for being manipulated. Replies agree that the parent is the a**hole, and suggest that the parent may be protecting their daughter from revealing sensitive information to her adopted family.
Welcome your daughter on❤Christmas, mom!
The comment advises the mother to welcome her daughter on Christmas and be candid, forgiving, and open. The comment also suggests being tactful if the daughter has questions and informs the mother not to sugarcoat any answers, for a better relationship with her daughter. NAH
A stepmom’s story:
The comment expresses a story of a stepmom whose husband had an estranged relationship with his daughters. After a few years, the older one called to apologize and wanted to come to visit over a holiday. The older daughter revealed that her mother was abusive and gave her an ultimatum to break up with her boyfriend, which she refused, and ended up marrying him. It was her husband that encouraged her to reconnect with her father.
The comment suggests that the daughter may be ready to open up if invited and encouraged the people to call her and apologize in order to rebuild the bridge between them.
Mom says no to daughter’s request
A mother has refused her daughter’s request to spend Christmas with her and her new family, and the argument has become ugly. The commenter questions the mother’s reasoning and suggests that the mother is being too harsh, as the daughter is trying to connect beyond the issues from the past. However, the commenter admits that maybe there is more context to the story that was left out and would explain the mother’s decision.
Mom being hesitant
The comment suggests that the mom might be hesitant due to her insecurities about the daughter going away again and the sons having to face the same situation. The comment suggests that the mom should apologize and try to bond with the daughter sooner rather than later without making the first visit a Christmas Day.
Uncovering a different side
The commenter suggested the original poster might not have presented their story in the most factual way possible.
Mom says no, argument turns ugly
The commenter judges the mom for saying no to her daughter who has cut off contact for years and wants to come for Christmas. The commenter labels the mom as ‘the a-hole’, saying that although rebuilding the relationship is important, her reaction to her daughter is unkind.
Mom says no ♀️⁉️
The commenter believes the mother is in the wrong for not letting her adult daughter, who had cut off contact with her mother for years, spend the Christmas holiday with her new family. The comment replies point out the double standards in our society when it comes to minors receiving lenient sentences, but calling an adult daughter an a**hole over something she said as a teenager.
Understanding both sides
NAH, the commenter understands both sides of the situation – that the daughter is hurt because of the mother’s arms-length behavior and that the mother needs to take time to heal from the life-ruining situation that the daughter was part of. Both are feeling the pain of the situation and the commenter is sorry for them both.
Strong feelings, ambivalent opinions
The commenter feels that the daughter, despite being an adult, should understand why her mother may not want to reconnect right away due to the hurtful things she said as a teenager. However, they also think the mother should not be holding a grudge eight years later and resenting her daughter.
NTA: Healing her relationship
The comment expresses empathy for the original poster’s (OP) tough situation and explains that it’s OK to take things at their own pace and not be rushed into something they don’t want to do. The comment also points out that no one should judge the OP for wanting to take things slowly.
NAH️: Mom & Daughter Need Therapy
The commenter believes that both the mom and daughter should go through therapy separately and together to reconcile the dispute. They suggest the mom should talk to her kids about her daughter and even introduce them eventually. Instead of spending Christmas together, they recommend a casual play date in January. They advise the mom to stop being mired in her feelings and work towards a real relationship with her daughter or cut off contact with her if that’s what she prefers.
Can you forgive your daughter?
The commenter suggests that the daughter was probably manipulated by her father when she was 16, and as a result, said things she didn’t really mean. Forgiving her could be a possibility, but the commenter does not make a definitive ruling.
Taking boundaries into account
The commenter says OP is NTA (not the a**hole), and they agree that the mom should take her time to rebuild a relationship with her daughter, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries beforehand.
Don’t destroy any chance for a future ✨
The comment suggests the mother should not burn the bridge and try reconnecting with her daughter. It recommends the mother should meet her daughter for lunch on Christmas and bring a gift. The comment also advises the mother to ask her other kids if they feel ready to meet her daughter.
Rebuilding a bond✨
The comment suggests NAH and points out that the mom’s hurt and fears are justified but the daughter’s genuine interest in building a relationship should be taken into account. It suggests counseling as a way to work through the hurt and fear and to help better communicate in order to make a decision on rebuilding a more intimate bond.
Mom said no to her daughter’s Christmas request
The commenter said the mom was TA (the a**hole) for not showing more grace to her daughter’s request and reminded her that she was only on this Earth because the mom gave birth to her.
Daughter comes back to rekindle the relationship. Does Mom want to?✋️
The commenter believes the daughter who reconnected with her family deserves a chance after apologizing for the years-long estrangement. The reply suggests that although the daughter has been wronged, her throwing insults and blame on her mother for not wanting to reconcile immediately should be taken into account as well.
Daughter and mom’s relationship ️❓
Commenter believes Mom is the a**hole in this situation. They suggest Mom should ask her daughter why she wants to come over for Christmas and why she doesn’t want to spend it with her dad. They don’t think Mom should give into her daughter’s every whim, but they think it is a bad idea to reject her now, as it could cost the relationship later.
Can two estranged family members❓
The comment suggests the mom should let her daughter come home on the condition of her being earnest. It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong but rather whether the mom is interested in fixing the relationship. The comment author adds a light judgment of ESH (everyone sucks here).
Taking a step back
The commenter suggests that the mother and daughter should consider talking to a family therapist or individual therapist to help them heal from the trauma inflicted on them by others.
Ouch, a tough situation
The commenter says YTA and states that the mom and her daughter are both adults who are in a tough situation and that the mom should take responsibility regardless of how her daughter acts. They also mention that the daughter should move on for her own sake and not try to continue a relationship with her mom.
Mom protected herself, but shouldn’t miss this olive branch
The commenter empathizes with the mom for taking the steps to protect herself, yet still believes it would be a mistake to reject her daughter’s olive branch at Christmas time.
Momma says no
The OP is not the a**hole for refusing to allow her daughter to meet her new family for Christmas. The commenter suggests that her daughter’s anger might be due to her father and new stepmother, and she should put firm ground rules if she wants to reconnect with her daughter.
