If you’ve never stood in your bathroom at 3 in the morning cutting your own bangs with a pair of dull kitchen scissors without having done any research whatsoever then congratulations, life has worked out super well for you.
As for the rest of us, we know the struggle of going all Sweeney Todd on ourselves and then standing in a puddle of hair as we try to pretend that hack-job on our forehead is anywhere close to the “Zooey Deschanel” bangs we were shooting for.
So if you find yourself desperately googling how long it takes bangs to grow out (answer: about 10 years), I suggest you take a few minutes to read these hilarious tweets because you might just walk away feeling a little bit better about your… situation .
Excuse me while I change my Facebook relationship status.
I’ve never fallen in love as quickly as I did when the guy at McDonald’s threw an extra chicken nugget into my 10 piece meal.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Checkmate.
Catch me on the floor in my bedroom crying over mismatched socks because I am what? Totally fine .
Don’t overwhelm him.
I’ve also learned you don’t send one question after more than four lines of text. You need to break that ish up so he can process your text message and your follow-up question separately.
Why y’all so quiet all of a sudden?
I know you didn’t forget your order because you were just talking about how excited you are to dig into some chicken parm so how about you tell poor Kelly here that the hot plate burning the skin on her forearm is yours so she can move on down the table and bring me my damn risotto.
You look like my next mistake.
“Oh baby, you’d look so good on my book shelf collecting dust next to that three-part murder mystery series I bought last month and never read.”
If you can’t be aggressive, be passive aggressive.
The best kind of attitude is the kind that lets you get in a little cardio before work, too.
She sounds incredible.
“She never got mad at anyone ever and her boobs were huge but somehow still perky at the same time. She had the voice of an angel but never sang, the abs of a CrossFit trainer but never went to the gym, and she could cry without smearing her makeup.”
“I wish I could reschedule but I can’t, sorry!”
You’d think I would have learned my lesson but my entire part-time job experience consisted of me coming into work for people who mysteriously lost cell reception whenever I needed them to take my shift.
There are a stunning amount of “y”‘s that don’t need to be on that board.
I guarantee Jagger is the punk kid in every class who has to hold the teacher’s hand during field trips and Madyson is the one who tells the teacher when she forgot to assign homework for the night.
Don’t even get me started on Zerachiel.
We’ve all been there.
Listen, ladies, we’re all in this together. I crept all of my exes’ new girlfriends’ social media pages and you’re going to creep mine. It’s the circle of exes. We’re all just co-existing here.
2013 was a rough year y’all.
If you saw me wearing this dress I guarantee my hair was flat-ironed to death and I was posing in the center of four other girls while we snapped pics in someone’s front yard on a Thursday.
Every conversation with every mom ever.
Cut to later that night when we’re sitting together and she has the audacity to ask me what I did today.
I put in the hours for this ‘Anchorman’ tee-shirt.
Same goes for this Adidas hoodie and that Black Keys concert shirt that turned out to be too small for him.
And the days during. And the days after.
You never know what’s going to make you cry. Last week I openly sobbed because I bought the wrong laundry soap and had to accept the fact that my clothes wouldn’t smell the same.
I don’t know her.
You never cringe as hard as you do when you wake up the morning after a night out and realize everyone on your Instagram watched a video of you singing along to songs you definitely didn’t know the words to.
Oh, and good news: the music didn’t drown you out one bit.
Adulthood summed up in one tweet.
I check my emails more than I check my Facebook and while we’re at it, I’m also way more active on LinkedIn than I am on Twitter.
The days of yore.
This is also how I look when I try to tell anyone about LimeWire:
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“You don’t know disappointment. Real disappointment is waiting two hours for that new Linkin Park song to download, listening to it, and hearing Bill Clinton say, ‘My fellow Americans.'”
And yet, he probably has perfect skin.
I once dated a guy who not only kept hand soap in the shower to use as shampoo, but also in the kitchen to wash his dishes with . And I was just supposed to be O.K. with that nonsense?
I’ll crack this code one day.
I’d also like to become rich and successful without having to deal with bosses, co-workers, or customers, and without having to wake up before 8 AM on a week day.
I’ll let y’all know when I figure that one out.
Mission accomplished.
Now that all you boys have finally returned to earth from your whirlwind trip to outer space… please leave again, thanks.
