Look, I know there are plenty of funny social media posts floating around out there, but I’m really only interested in tweets that tell it like it is.
I thoroughly enjoy being called out in 280 characters or less. It’s pretty much the only reason I’m even on the internet anymore. If you write a tweet that makes me sit back and say, “Okay, that’s actually me,” then you can bet I’m going to like it, retweet it, and maybe even throw it in one of these super exclusive Diply lists.
So if you also enjoy seeing your thoughts and feelings summed up in a concise tweet, then keep reading because I have collected some excellent posts from people who are out here preaching the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Get rid of your clocks.
The world has been turned upside down and all those so-called “rules” we used to life by are no more.
Also, feel free to swap your preferred “coffee time” and “wine times” around to best suit your personal quarantine needs.
I, too, don’t know why I’m here.
I know I don’t really belong, and I know people aren’t necessarily excited to see me at this particular get-together, but let’s all just try to have a good time anyway, okay?
“Easy” is a relative term when it comes to Pinterest recipes.
Never mind trying to convert measurements you’ve never even heard of before; let’s talk about those ingredients that have never once graced your kitchen, but now you suddenly find yourself in need of three Ostrich eggs and a keg’s worth of something called “blue cheese milk” to make a single batch of cookies.
Doorbells are obsolete.
I genuinely don’t remember the last time I rang a doorbell but I can tell you the last time I stood outside someone’s front door and texted them to let them know I’m standing outside their front door.
This tweet reminded me to un-clench my jaw.
I also have moments where I randomly catch myself grinding my teeth with the same vigor as someone trying to bite through a supremely raw carrot.
Honestly my teeth and jaw deserve way better than this.
It’s a delicate balance.
Be upbeat but not too silly, keep it light but not too casual, and watch those exclamation marks so you can throw in a period when necessary.
Sounds like responsible Googling.
You ever been surfing the ol’ world-wide-web and your laptop starts panicking and gasping for air and heating up like it’s been set on fire?
That’s usually when I close one tab, just to be safe.
This is what I bring to the table.
But in my defense, I’d say adopting a dog is actually the best way to improve any home.
Got a leaky faucet? Yikes. Well… this little guy’s name is Charlie. So.
Watch me become a winter sport expert over night.
Usually I don’t care about skiing or figure skating or bobsledding at all . But every four years, something inside of me changes and suddenly I have intense opinions about every sport in the Winter Olympics and get inexplicably outraged when I feel like athletes aren’t giving 100% on the slopes.
Don’t be suspicious.
This was my go-to in university seminars.
Another excellent question-dodging maneuver is to start riffling through the pages of your notes as if you’re actually trying to find the answer but really you’re just killing time until the prof picks someone else.
Is it empty? Let’s find out.
This is my favorite part of any trip to the register — avoiding eye contact with the cashier while I stare at the debit machine and pray that I have enough money left in my account to pay for this Kit Kat bar.
“There’s no food here!”
I’m not sure why I’ve been holding on to the same Tupperware container of spaghetti sauce for two weeks. I hate looking at it in the fridge, I never feel like eating it, but I still haven’t thrown it away.
Someone please explain.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
My dad once told me that anytime you adopt a dog, you’re signing yourself up for heartbreak because you’re going to have that dog until they die.
Which I totally understand, but that’s never going to stop be from giving a fur baby a loving home.
Adulthood is like one big slap in the face.
I actually thought I’d be able to make my own place look like the houses I see on Pinterest but here I am shoving a dish washer manual under the too-short leg on my table because it was the only one in my price range on Facebook Marketplace.
I’m just going to hang back.
This is sort of like my attitude at the beach when all my friends go running towards the water and I stay back on the sand, waiting for them to tell me if it’s cold or not.
Except, you know, now it’s the coronavirus and I need to know if it’s safe to breathe air again.
You’ll never know.
Sometimes it’s all of these things, sometimes it’s none of them. Headaches will forever keep you guessing. Just pop a Tylenol and move on, sis.
“Daaaaad help!”
“I know you showed me what to do when this happened before but I can’t remember and I’m on the side of the road and I’m freaking out .”
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Why were we all so confident in ourselves?
I can remember many nights before exams spent reading through my notes twice and then deciding all this information has probably stuck by now.
Then I would watch Netflix for for hours and go to bed trusting my stupid brain would come through for me tomorrow.
We do what we gotta do.
Times are tough. If I have to drop $300 on the Sephora website just to make it through to next week then by golly, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
I appreciate you trying but… no.
My boyfriend made our bed yesterday to surprise me which was just too damn sweet .
And when he wasn’t looking I went in and put all the throw pillows back in their rightful places because I love him, but my OCD demands order.
