I’m kind of trying to cut back on how much coffee I’m drinking in a day because a) I’m quickly running out of coffee and b) I don’t feel like going to buy more coffee.
So rather than get that much needed perk from a mug of the good stuff, I’ve decided I’m going to turn to the people I trust the most to help me power my way through yet another day in the year 2020: the hilarious ladies of Twitter.
They always know exactly what to say to make me laugh, and to help me keep chugging along when I start slowing down. And if you need a little help with that too, then you’re really going to enjoy this list!
So which one are you?
Personally I’m a “big sunglasses” kind of person but only because my head is already abnormally big and tiny glasses just look ridiculous on this beautiful pumpkin of mine.
Too fake, can’t relate.
If you really want me to buy that brand of oatmeal then you’re going to have to try a little harder to sell me on these so-called “parents” who are shockingly chipper at 6 a.m. with four kids at the breakfast table.
“Sorry, what?”
I caught myself doing this the other day, and it sort of has the same energy as when I turn down the radio to reverse into a parking spot, but quarantine edition.
Avoid at all costs.
Except your boyfriend, of course. I’m sure he’s fine.
Where can I sign?
Even as an adult, whenever I watch this Scooby-Doo movie, I always wish someone would make Spooky Island into an actual theme park.
And maybe also introduce me to Freddie Prinze Jr. circa 2002.
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Wonder why no one’s friends with Belle?
Look, you can complain about the people all you want but when you start every day by walking through the village singing your little diss track about the locals, don’t be surprised when no one wants to invite you out for drinks with them later.
Still waiting on this skill to come in handy.
Maybe I’m just not as social as Cosmo had me believe I would be by my age, but I’ve never once found myself holding an outfit in a store and wondering if it’ll seamlessly transition from afternoon luncheon to cocktails with the girls .
Give this girl a raise.
One time I was visibly upset while ordering McDonald’s and the old woman at the register asked me how I would be paying for my meal.
I guess not every fast food employee is trained in dealing with emotional people.
I put all the fruit together for a reason, Debra.
I understand that cashiers have been taught certain bagging skills and techniques and they’re just trying to do their job.
But I’m also paying for that loaf of bread you just squished with a watermelon.
Protect this dog at all costs.
I once tried to put little booties on my own pup’s feet when we were going for a walk on a hot day and he was so uncomfortable with the new sensation that he kicked my cat while trying to shake one of the booties off.
That’s how it’s done.
All I want to know is, did it work? And if so, can I possibly borrow your sister for a work-related task?
10/10 times.
He’ll also probably get really, unreasonably angry when you happen to catch a fish that’s bigger than the one he caught and then suddenly he won’t want to fish with you ever again and he’ll probably break his rod, too.
Warm Vanilla was my whole identity at age 12.
I would not leave my house in the morning until I had positively bathed myself in the toxic scent of artificial vanilla because that’s how you rule the school, sis.
I will be stealing this insult from now on, thank you.
I’ve never met this woman’s husband but from that hilarious collection of words alone, I already know everything I need to know about him.
Hydrated and flawless.
I’m still not 100% sure what rose water is actually supposed to do for my skin but you can bet I’ll keep spraying that stuff all over myself until someone tells me not to.
Every day.
That’s not stupid, hon. That’s how you get through the work day without losing your mind first.
“And with a kiss, I die.”
My plants all usually decide at the same time that they don’t feel like sticking around much longer and they’ll all just suddenly pass on and it’s getting really hard not to take that personally anymore.
Any answers you can offer are much appreciated.
There were so many Matts in my high school that we all started referring to them in conversations by what made them stand out the most. You could have been “Matt with the rolling backpack”, or “Matt who threw up in the parking lot last year”, or even “Matt who wore a cape to prom.”
He’ll never suspect a thing.
My boyfriend once told me I take too long of a shower so now I keep the shower running for ten minutes before I even get in so I can catch up on social media and piss him off even more.
Bottoms up.
Let’s forget that whole “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere” crap because it’s still 2020 and life still sucks so cheers to all this nonsense being over someday soon.
