This week a bird pooped on me while I was trying to suntan on my balcony and I ended up just getting burned anyway so it pretty much goes without saying that I could use some laughs.
And when I get feeling a certain kind of down, I know just who to turn to in order to find the sort of gut-busting tweets that are guaranteed to make me feel all better again — the ladies of Twitter!
So if you’re also in need of a few pick-me-up chuckles, look no further because I’ve taken it upon myself to compile some of the best tweets from women into a neat little list for you. Enjoy!
Why are they like this?
I always go to bed before my boyfriend and wake up before him. I’m trying super hard not to take it personally but c’mon man . What gives?
This sounds like a job for an average woman with no detective background whatsoever.
I’m not sure why but after every cold case documentary I watch, I kind of turn into a wannabe Sherlock Holmes and will spend the next three days obsessing over this one specific mystery, fully believing I’ll be the one to solve it.
“You sure? No hard feelings lol.”
I don’t think I’ll ever be fully convinced someone actually wants to spend the rest of their life with me until we’re both old and gray and I realize that someone actually spent the rest of their life with me.
“Oh, so he was serious.”
It has never once found me well.
I personally hate answering emails and no matter how politely it was written, I will still open it with pure dread and wish it had never been sent in the first place.
My my my, what a scholar I’ve become.
I used to read entire books in one sitting when I was a kid. Now if I get through one chapter without putting a book down for the week I feel like I deserve some sort of recognition for this huge literary accomplishment.
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It all makes sense now.
Y’all, there’s a reason why Jasmine, Rapunzel, and even Cinderella were so quick to break into song the second they thought they were going to be able to finally get a lil’ something-something .
“Oh, you know, the kitchen.”
I put on mascara yesterday and my boyfriend asked me if we were going somewhere.
At least I know his beauty expectations of me are this low now, so I can only meet or exceed them in the future.
Cheers.
If you’re like me and you’re really feeling the quarantine blues , you like to shake things up and rearrange “coffee time” and “wine time” because time is just a construct and nothing makes sense anymore so go ahead and drink that bottle of white with your breakfast.
Who cares?
It’s all happening.
Excuse me while I call dear mama and tell her she can stop weeping into her lace, monogrammed handkerchief now — I’ve found myself a wealthy suitor and happy days are here at last! Tonight we celebrate!
One small difference: the bed was never actually made.
If you are an adult woman and your boyfriend still owns this comforter, run. Run as fast as you can, sis. He’s not worth it.
“Cool story, Rose.”
I’m all for the drama of storytelling but Rose could have definitely summed up the entire plot of Titanic in like, one sentence.
Honestly, it’s just surprising she didn’t lose track of her story twenty times and have to ask someone to remind her what she was even talking about.
How dare you?
I also like to lie in bed and think about everything everyone has ever said to me or about me because I don’t really like sleep anyway, I guess.
Thanks, Dylan.
Super romantic. Maybe next time you could just dedicate one single successful pass to me or something. Little ambitious to put the whole game on my head but that’s high school romance, I guess.
Which one are you feeling today?
Personally I’m a little Rosie and a little Tanya but the day is still young and before you know it I could definitely turn into a Sophie.
There’s no in between.
I like to look at the people put some sort of effort into their safety and the safety of those around them by wearing a mask, but who then rendered that effort totally pointless by keeping their noses out of said mask.
It’s always a mistake.
The other day I made a single lettuce wrap with no meat and very little sauce on it and I realized the true definition of hangry not twenty minutes later.
Jeopardy likes to fool us all into thinking we’re almost smart.
Whenever I happen to get one of the questions right that none of the contestants even tried to answer, I get such extreme validation and pride in myself that it genuinely takes me like, half an hour to come down from that unbelievable high.
Same.
I’m not going to go out of my way to hate you now or anything, but just know that hearing your name will always make my mood decrease significantly and I will probably never be happy to see you walk into a room I’m in.
We don’t talk about this.
I refuse to remember the years where I willingly wore this sort-of-country, sort-of-not getup because I am not that girl anymore. I left her behind me and I am never looking back.
This is what I believe and I refuse to change my mind.
If I had to put actual effort into a meal then you can bet I’m going to pretend its the healthiest thing I’ve ever put in my body, even if it’s covered in cheese and swimming in grease.
This is my choice, please respect it.
