I don’t know about you, but whenever I come across a super clever and super funny tweet, I always have this moment where I think, ” Damn , I really wish I’d thought of that first.”
It only takes around 280 characters for these masters of observational comedy to make us feel like inferior beings, but that’s just what the internet’s for, right?
So here’s an entire list of those people who beat us to the punch and came up with some of the funniest, most clever tweets possible.
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The dream.
Oh, were you in the hospital? I had no idea that’s what those thirty Snaps were trying to tell me. Let me know if they ever figure out what’s causing those deadly migraines. We’re all rooting for you.
Getting your money’s worth.
I feel like this is exactly how people who buy dehydrators go about their lives after making that worthwhile purchase. If you’re going to drop $400 on something to make your fruit taste like leather, then you better be making leathery fruit every damn day .
Belle’s Diss Track.
Wow, I wonder why no one in town likes the girl who starts every morning by singing about how basic her neighbors are?
Rude.
Knocking basically has the same energy as huffing and puffing: “I’m going to keep doing this until you either open that door or this house falls down, I ain’t playing.”
Please define your thumbs-up.
Things got even more confusing when hitchhikers decided to start popping up their middle finger to ask for a ride instead.
How about we call you Orphan Peter?
When you think about it, Peter really doesn’t have any interest in using people’s real names, and chooses instead to reduce them to the simplest, most hurtful terms possible.
Exhibit B: the Lost Boys. Nice way to remind them they aren’t with their parents anymore.
We need a redo on the ABCs.
Q doesn’t belong between P and R like it’s just another basic consonant. It needs to be in the grand finale of letters, rounding out the list with the other heavy hitters.
Training will include light choreography.
It’s a wonder we don’t talk about Oompa Loompas more often because they were pretty messed up when you think about it. I mean, whenever they saw a kid in peril they just started singing. They didn’t actually try to help unless instructed by Wonka himself.
But I guess “helping” wasn’t in their job description.
It’s just something to do.
Imagine waking up from a lil’ nappy nap, only to find out you’ve literally transformed into an entirely different thing and oh, by the way, you can fly now.
Okay, this one triggered me.
Flashback to me in the fifth grade, fighting with my siblings over whose turn it was was to go wake mom up and tell her we missed the bus.
False advertising.
I once saw a sign that said “Fine For Swimming” but it turns out it wasn’t fine to swim there at all.
Have some respect.
This tweet pairs perfect with this tweet :
“I can’t believe they melted an entire iceberg just to get this lettuce.”
We like to live in constant chaos.
I also happen to enjoy wrestling with the pans in that drawer below the oven until I end up throwing everything on the ground just to get out one single cookie sheet.
Clowned.
Back in the olden days when people actually liked clowns and even had favorites, I’m sure this little line absolutely torched anyone who heard it.
“In this essay, I will prove that olive oil, which is to say oils made using olives…”
This was also my go-to technique while writing those exams where the professor clearly stated they wanted your essay to be six pages long, and you knew you only had enough information stored inside your head for like, three pages, tops.
“M’ladybug.”
Look, I can’t explain it, but I’m way nicer to ladybugs than any other insect that happens to crawl its way onto my body.
I never realized I actually have favorites when it comes to bugs but here we are.
I can’t deny that this is a slick move and I actually really love the whole exchange.
I mean, the uncle could’ve easily get the ruse going and taken her money, but I guess he couldn’t bring himself to do it since she was being so nice.
Hopefully, nobody else in that family uses Twitter though…
As much as I like doing this with my music, looking outside definitely shows why it can’t be what we do all the time.
After all, nothing encapsulates the jarring feeling of an AI following up a tender ballad with a brutal black metal song like sliding around on the results of freezing temperatures the day after some heavy rain.
For some reason, some of them treat the fact that you’re paying to be there as an excuse to put the class on hard mode.
That’s probably why one of the good professors I had reassured us that we wouldn’t have to “revive a corpse” in his labs.
Those are the words of someone who has seen class after class of anxious students.
It’s always hard to know how to feel when you wake up to someone handing you an adventure.
Seriously, this whole thread is worth a read and honestly does seem like what would happen if The Santa Clause started with a disgruntled postal worker instead of an injured Santa.
These are some words of wisdom for when that temptation gets too great.
Nothing encourages me to eat healthier like realizing how much it would cost to have someone bring me McDonald’s.
Sure, I could go myself, but, you know, effort. Nah…
Now that I think about it, would a hammer even be a desirable thing to smell like?
I guess it’s hard to argue with this if you’d willingly buy a product that called you an idiot for using it, though.
Honestly, I still wouldn’t be surprised if this profile got some excited responses.
I mean, lots of people like dogs, turtles, and listening to sad music. It’s not hard to believe that at least one of them would be a flat earther.
I’m starting to think that Dumbledore might not be an entirely fair headmaster.
Besides, it’s not the Slytherin House’s fault that the founders of Hogwarts didn’t see any problem with making one house way more obviously evil (sorry, “ambitious”) than the others.
I guess it would be pretty hard to explain this to future generations.
If nothing else, at least the weird looks we’ll get when we try to imitate the noises dial-up internet made will be mildly entertainment.
That’s totally worth the years we spent in the digital dark ages, right?
This person isn’t wrong, that was an underrated bit of inspired naming.
Perhaps in another life, we’d be telling our roommates to feed the kittlebix and take out the garobads.
Maybe in that parallel universe, we finally have world peace.
I think this person is playing a much more dangerous game than they realize.
If my dad didn’t have such an irrational hatred of tattoos, I could totally see him going to such extreme lengths for a dad joke.
Well, I suppose they could scream them from a street corner, but that probably worked about as well as it does nowadays.
After all, have you ever heard someone rant about Jesus or whatever else in the streets and thought, “Wow, these are totally good and not at all insane points. I better change my worldview completely?”
Or as the Italians call them, anti-spaghetti-forgetti’s.
“Also, let’s make sure they inexplicably never have the same ratio of lids to containers because we’re Tupperware makers and this is the kind of chaotic evil we live for.”
Looking at you, *Pinocchio*.
Try watching that scene where all the runaway boys turn into terrified, hee-hawing donkeys begging for their moms and tell me if you still feel the same away about this magical Disney creation.
That’s why he’s the best.
Bond doesn’t have to worry about struggling with knobs or temperatures. He’s 007, for crying out loud. That was all part of his training.
You never know til you know, you know?
I guess this means that one day I’m going to wake up as Pennywise the Clown and I’m not sure I’m really ready for that.
