In an unusual turn of events, one woman has been grabbing headlines as she becomes the first person to actually see a New Year’s resolution through to fruition!
This eye-watering unlikely event occurred after she made the genius resolution to give up on Dry January, or “A month of snoresville” as some are calling it.
Stella Seltzer’s ingenious move has been heralded as “an inspiration to wine, gin, beer, and spirit lovers everywhere.”
Ms. Seltzer, a 42-year-old business consultant from Maine, told Aunty Acid News, “Well, I just knew that 2021 was going to be a real slog as we endure the lingering headache that was 2020, and I knew there was no way that I was going to make it through dry January, so I adapted to the situation.”
“Every year I tell myself I’m going to see my way through a stupid New Year’s resolution only to fail almost immediately,” she continued. “So, I made my greatest weakness my greatest strength.”
By succeeding in her resolution of failing at Dry January, Stella has become one of the only people in history to actually see their resolution through!
We asked Stella if she was ever worried that she might accidentally complete Dry January and fail at her resolution of failing! However, Stella simply replied, “Not a f***king chance.”
So, while everyone else’s gym membership plans, diet plans, and novel ideas go inevitably unfulfilled, Stella is already celebrating her success with a mimosa…or four, we lost count of how many she slammed during the interview.
James McMac, head of RA (Resolutions Anonymous), reacted to Stella’s success by saying, “I’m just floored. I mean, no one ever really completes their New Year’s resolution!”
Some of Stella’s friends claimed that she was “cheating” and that it was “unfair.”
One of Stella’s closest friends claimed that Dry January was “really fun” and “a great way to get healthy,” all with a soulless look plastered across their face and a single tear crawling from their eye.
“Everyone should try Dry January, Stella is really missing out on all of this… fun ! I wish above all that everyone could feel the… fun that I am having and share in this _ marvelous_ experience. It’s fun, fun, fun, honest! Seriously, please join me in the fun,” Stella’s friend continued before bursting into tears and begging for us to end the relentless tedium of her daily existence.
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Stella hopes that her success will inspire others to set detrimental yet attainable goals for themselves in 2021!
“I just want to inspire other people not to feel pressured to spend money on a gym membership that they will never use or do Dry January by their boring friends who pretend to like the company of their families,” were Stella’s final words to our team before heading back to bed for “a much-needed disco nap, after all, them mimosas.”
I don’t know about you guys, but I for one am feeling super inspired by Stella’s story!
I have already given up on my New Year’s resolution, but let me know if you are still putting up the good fight and clinging to your New Year’s resolutions in the comments below!
Love,
Aunty Acid.
(Disclaimer: Stella Seltzer and all of the things in this story are fictitious…except for mimosas, they’re very real and very tasty!)
