Intimacy can be a scary thing because it makes us vulnerable to the people we admire most, and that fear can present itself on a variety of fronts.
It’s not just physical or emotional intimacy that gives relationships trouble, but financial as well. As a recent survey shows, a lot of people have trouble with complete financial honesty with their significant others.
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If you’ve kept a secret about money from your partner, you’re far from alone.
According to a survey done by CreditCards.com, almost half, or 44%, of adults in a relationship admit to some degree of financial infidelity, including keeping a secret bank account, hiding a debt, or spending more than they admit, toward their significant others.
The company polled more than 2,500 U.S. adults, of which 1,378 were in a committed relationship, and found that financial infidelity was “rampant.”
This was despite most seeing financial infidelity as a serious breach of trust.
Among the respondents, 30% said cheating financially on your significant other is just as bad as having a physical affair, and 27% said it’s worse.
Other surveys have backed that up. For example, a Love and Money survey by TD Bank found that a third of millennials would consider breaking up with their significant other over keeping money secrets.
So, why do people continue to hide financial secrets from their partners?
The biggest reason, for 36% of respondents to the CreditCards.com survey, seems to be a simple desire for privacy or to maintain control over their own finances.
The reasons for that varied — among millennials, for example, 57% of whom have committed financial infidelity, a larger proportion saw their parents go through divorce than Gen Xers and boomers, and so they’re more protective of their own finances. About 21% of respondents said they hid their finances in case their relationship failed.
For many others, it was a matter of embarrassment.
Of the respondents, 26% said they kept secrets because they were embarrassed about how they manage their money. Another 27% said that they never felt the need to share that info with their partners.
Regardless of the reasons, keeping secrets seldom ends well.
“Financial infidelity may seem benign, perhaps someone hides a purchase, receipt or even a little cash on the side,” said National Endowment for Financial Education CEO and president Ted Beck. “But this unfaithfulness can escalate to a more severe level of offense like concealing an account, lying about the amount of income you earn, or being secretive about the amount of debt that you owe. This impacts a relationship regardless of scale. It causes arguments, erosion of trust, and regretfully in some cases even leads to separation or divorce.”
However, even in cases of financial infidelity, a relationship need not end badly.
As with so many things in a relationship, communication is key.
“Money is such a taboo,” CreditCards.com industry analyst Ted Rossman told USA Today . “People would rather talk about other uncomfortable topics like religion or political views than money. This is really unfortunate because hiding that kind of secret can hold back your financial future and undermine trust.”
“It’s important that couples are honest and open about their money challenges,” added Rachel DeAlto, a relationship expert consulted by TD Bank.
“Often times a partner will hide a credit card bill or low score due to guilt or embarrassment, yet when the debt comes to light it’s often not the debt that creates the conflict – it’s the secrecy,” she said . “If you want to maintain trust with your partner, own it and create a plan to improve your financial situation.”
