If you’ve ever been to the ER, you’ve probably seen some pretty strange things. And that’s just in the waiting room. I was once waiting for surgery and a woman came in because she broke her finger, and I got evil eyes because I went in to see a doctor before her. Sorry my inability to breathe doesn’t seem to be as important as your finger. Tape a Popsicle stick to it.
The following stories come from people who work in the hospital, or from people who were just hanging around the ER, waiting for their turn. The world is a strange place, but nothing is weirder than an ER.
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1. I always assume that eating is the answer, and if it isn’t, I try something else.
“20/m came in for stomach pains. Said he was hungry. Hadn’t eaten in two days.”
2. Glue doesn’t go there!
“My aunt is a nurse this is her story. Two extremely drunk men came in. One of them fell down the stairs and somehow he got glass in his eye. They pulled out the glass and sealed the gash in his eye
With superglue
They had to soak his eye in acetone to get it open.”
3. I’m sure that’s exactly what happened.
“My time to shine. Guy comes in with a salt shaker lodged in his ***. Said he was changing a lightbulb then somehow fell onto it.”
4. Would you care to explain to me what you were trying to gain by doing this?
” Put a flare gun between his legs and shot it off. Third degree burns to the groin are not fun.
5. I get that pimples hurt, but come on.
“A mid 20’s male with a pimple on his face. It was 2am and it hurt so he decided the emergency department was the place to be.”
6. A fart is always the answer.
“I used to be an EMT and one time we got called to a house in the middle of the night for a patient with belly pain.
We get to his house and he is bent over a chair in extreme pain.
We get him in the ambulance and start taking him to the ER. The whole drive he’s letting out these tiny farts that are deadly. He’s also yelling that he just needs to fart. Can’t we give him something to make him fart?
The ER doc asks us if there is a possibility of a foreign body issue and I say that I didn’t check. Doctor sends him to the CT scanner where he lets rip with a fart that echoed. He felt better and left the ER. They had to close the scanner to air it out.”
7. I hear that Injuries like this are common.
“A guy came to the ER with an arrow through his head. We thought he was wearing some sort of Halloween prop, but no, it was real. Watching the neurosurgeons trying to maintain composure when examining the patient was priceless. He went straight to surgery and from what I understand did very well.”
8. That was never going to work!
“I have a male cousin who landed himself in the ER because he thought that instead of a condom, he could put something tightly around his male appendage, and it would force the sperm to stay inside. Unfortunately, getting it off posed a problem and he ultimately wound up in the ER with a zip tie around his male appendage.
His nickname has been ‘Zippy’ for 5 years now.”
9. Yeah, I think you should be concerned, sir.
” While sitting in waiting room a man comes in maybe around 50-60yr old. Goes up to the counter and tells the lady. ‘yeah… i..uhhh don’t know if this is cause for concern or not… But i uhhh…..went to bed on Tuesday night and woke up today.’
(it was Saturday morning 3 days later…) He was told to have a seat and I was outta there soon after but I have always wondered what the story was behind that one….”
10. My boyfriend once used a machete to edge his garden. Are they the same man?
” Here are some of the reasons my Dads ended up in the ER.
He got a machete lodged in his hand because he ‘couldn’t find a knife’ and needed to cut his sandwich in half.
He got a knife lodged in his thumb (same hand as the machete) because he wanted to unscrew the fan, but forgot to turn it off.
He touched a giant tumbleweed and both hands/ arms were filled with thorns.
He got stung by a bee. He picked up the bee and tried to throw it at me. I’m afraid of bees. He’s allergic.
He got mauled by a kitten that was in our garage. He tried to pick up the snarling, angry cat with his bare hands, while muttering that he’s ‘lord of the cats’. He needed stitches and rabies shots. The cat still sits in our yard sometimes.
He got shot by a farmer while stealing watermelons. Luckily it was just salt.”
11. Drugs, not even once.
“25/m, comes in at 10-11 PM on a thursday because he had a big bite on his leg. Guy is obviously tripping on something. We start asking the relevant questions and get to ‘Why did your dog bite you’
He calmly answers: ‘Well, that’s because I bit him first!'”
12. So, are you the undead?
“Had a lady come in for shortness of breath. Began to place an oxygen mask on her. She yells ‘I’m allergic to oxygen!’ and pulls the mask off. I heard the doctor laugh behind the curtain.”
13. This is the laziest thing I have ever heard. I don’t like going to the pharmacy either, but an ambulance ride isn’t cheap.
” Patient arrived via ambulance to get his methadone prescription refilled.”
14. This guy desperately needs new friends.
” Not in the ER but had a patient come in because he was dared to swallow a three pronged fish hook, a nail, and a razor blade.”
15. Farts are pretty deceptive.
“My sister was taken to the ER for what my parents thought was appendicitis, when she was around 7 years old. While there, she farted and instantly felt better. Turns out, she just had really bad gas from eating a lot of cucumber salad at dinner. To this day, we still make fun of her $500 fart.”
16. Despite her taking them the wrong way, who uses an entire package?!
“I had to escort my freshman college roommate to the ER because she had swallowed an entire package of suppository laxatives. This girl was one of the dumbest people I’d ever met (though shockingly did very well in school) and she didn’t know that ‘suppository’ meant ‘stick it in your bum’. She was a white native english speaker but she didn’t understand the directions, and commented on how weird it was that the pills were all shaped like crayons…”
