When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, you can always count on the women of Twitter to swoop in and lift your drooping spirits with some hilarious tweets.
Whether they’re cracking jokes, spilling truth, or telling stories that are just way too damn relatable, these ladies are out here doing their best to keep us laughing.
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So don’t let the small things get you down, like realizing that cute guy at Starbucks you’ve been buying coffee from every morning for eight months still doesn’t know your name. Just sit back, relax, and get ready to laugh all your worries away.
Oh, how the tables have turned.
Allow me to teach you how to close those 28 different pages you have running at the same time while I remind you that you used to unplug the hard drive if I played Roller Coaster Tycoon for more than an hour.
Also deleting and re-installing the Tinder app five times a month.
I have an astounding amount of male followers on Instagram who ghosted me once upon a time but who still follow me so they can watch my stories and never like a single one of my photos.
Something’s FISHY here (get it?)
While we’re at it, why didn’t she just write down her name on a piece of paper for Prince Eric? We know she can read and write because she signed her name on Ursula’s contract. What gives, Ariel? What gives?
Y’all, I can’t keep throwing out full bags of romaine lettuce.
My heart breaks every time I have to toss out yet another container of Greek yogurt and don’t even get me started on bananas.
That’s real trust right there.
The same goes for my hair dresser because that lady knows all my hopes, dreams, and darkest secrets that I’ve shared while she’s shampooing my scalp.
There he is, there’s my Prince Charming.
When we started dating, my boyfriend had to get used to me directing him on how, when, and what to post on his Instagram page. Relationships can’t be all fun and games, guys — there has to be some learning involved, too.
Did we all just somehow forget they did that to us?
Unacceptable and unforgivable. This is why you never hear about the Black Eyed Peas anymore.
“Ah, 2019. Good year.”
Next, catch me opening a fresh bag of Lays potato chips and breathing in those salty fumes like I’m floating alone in space and running dangerously low on oxygen.
Isn’t that what Facebook is for?
I couldn’t tell you the last time I posted anything on there but I can tell you that last week I found out my high school crush dropped out of university and is selling homemade tie-dyed t-shirts on Etsy now.
Gather ’round, ladies.
And yes, the goss has everything to do with this decapitated man’s head I’m holding in my hand here.
Funny how that works.
Several girls on my Instagram got really excited about their Spotify wrap-up results and said things like ” literally me though! ” without realizing that yes, that’s the whole point, Steph .
Jalapenos are just like us.
And you know what? Even with those stretch marks, those jalapenos are still hot.
If I was sitting anywhere near that woman, I would change seats.
Really, I’d change seats simply because she’s a movie-goer that finds it okay to loudly announce any sort on commentary during a movie.
Meanwhile, I have headphones in even when I’m not listening to anything.
If you go to the airport with plans to listen or watch anything and don’t bring headphones, you’re a monster.
If you do this on the plane, everyone within hearing distance has the right to eject you mid-flight.
Sometimes we’re the ones who hurt ourselves.
I think we’ve all done this exact same thing at one point or another knowing that one day, maybe even years down the road, someone had to open that bottle and discover our sneaky little switcheroo.
We just never thought we’d be the ones pouring a shot glass full of disappointment.
Cash? What is thing you speak of?
I don’t like carrying cash on me because I spend that ish so recklessly . For some reason, I’m convinced paper money is fake money and I’m not actually losing anything when I pull a $20 from my wallet because it’s not coming from my bank account. Duh .
If you bring a cat into your home, be ready to secure everything.
You just need to be honest with yourself that yes, things will be knocked off shelves and counters, and yes, you will need to clean up or replace those things.
If you can’t handle that, then perhaps a cat isn’t right for you.
‘Tis the season.
Stay tuned for the sequel at Christmas time where I think I’ll be able to make homemade cookies and then surprises no one when I end up just buying fudge-dipped Oreos instead.
Are there any willing male leads in any high school musical?
Don’t let High School Musical fool you, either. I guarantee your school isn’t full of men with super secret singing abilities. They’re going to hit hat stage for the solo and not a soul in the audience will be safe from the collective cringe .
It’s always the kindly ones with a cup of tea that sneak up on you.
Thankfully, I don’t have a neighbor like this, because my apple tree is littering the sidewalk with fruit and I’ve given up on stopping it.
Oh, is that another apple falling onto the pavement?
Whatever. I’ll get to them on garbage day when I can just use the snow shovel to dump them into the bin.
I feel like this tweet is judging me for the laundry I still haven’t folded.
See also:
My Coffee Is Cold But I’m Too Lazy To Get Up And Make A New One: A Soliloquy.
Seriously, though, those people must be wizards.
Meanwhile, I’m here dumping the laundry on the bed to try to force myself to fold it later.
And then when later comes, piling it all back into the basket again.
It is a bit weird how popular true crime podcasts suddenly are lately.
Of course, many are covering old cases, so a lot of the victims in heaven would be like, “WTF is a podcast?”
Now *this* is my kind of diet.
I could never go gluten free, simply because pasta is my life. Sure, egg noodles are okay and all, but give me those sweet, sweet wheat noodles every day.
Nothing’s more honest than your iPhone’s camera.
I’ve had many a day be ruined by accidentally opening up the camera app and realizing that my bathroom mirror has lied to me yet again .
“I’m not sure why I’m here, either.”
I’m also the “+ National Geographic” of every friend group I’ve ever been a part of and that’s O.K. Every group needs one, right?
Here’s a side of the *Titanic* debate I’ve never considered.
People like to argue if Rose was just dreaming at the end or if she died and joined Jack in Titanic heaven, but if it is the latter, the father of her children must be feeling pretty salty about it.
Yep, I’ve definitely taken part in a text drafting group.
But I’ve also seem them devolve into the same sort of arguing we complain about with any sort of committee, leaving the text ultimately unsent.
I saw that movie in theaters three times and I’m not even remotely ashamed.
Going to see either Mamma Mia film on the big screen is an experience . You don’t know true energy until you’re in a theater full of middle-aged women, singing along to “Dancing Queen” together and crying over the true queen herself, Donna Sheridan.
One might bristle at the fact that it’s always assumed to be dads who fall in love with pets they didn’t want.
Seriously though, it’s always the dads. My theory is that they’ve been conditioned to believe that liking cute things isn’t manly or something.
But dear dads: being comfortable speaking baby talk to your cute animal in public is manly AF.
This tweet is 1000% me.
People think I have a small bladder, but really, I’m just going to the bathroom to enjoy five minutes of respite from Aunt Cathy’s latest MLM sales pitch.
It’s almost 2020. Why aren’t we in full control of our water temperature yet?
Did you know that in Japan you can get bathtubs where you just tell it how much water you want at what temperature and then you can just walk away?
You don’t even need to babysit it to make sure your home isn’t flooded.
The key to all office communication is tossing the first draft.
Just be absolutely sure that the original, honest version is thoroughly destroyed and has no chance of ever being seen by the recipient.
Oh, how our priorities change.
I’d like to add a few more items to the list:
Dogs are too pure for this world.
Meanwhile, my dog randomly yelps like his tail has been cut off when his paw falls asleep under his own weight.
Enjoy the power while it lasts.
One day, we will be the drunk Millennial who can’t figure out how to stop streaming a live feed from our ocular implants.
This will be my presidential platform.
A vote for me is a vote for two work-free days spent curled up in bed with a heating pad while you watch The Price is Right and pretend your body isn’t attacking you for not getting pregnant this month.
He’s got no reason to lie to you.
He’ll knock you down a few pegs and remind you that you still haven’t grown into your nose without even looking up from his Xbox game.
