I’m the kind of person who bites my tongue a lot, and sometimes I just wish I had someone who would speak up on my behalf and tell people exactly what I’m thinking without me being the one who has to say it.
Thankfully, the good people of Twitter fill that role almost perfectly, because everyday I see tweets that feel like they’ve been pulled from my own damn brain.
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Here are some pretty hilarious tweets from people who are just saying what we’re all thinking. And we thank them for speaking our minds.
Thanks for the help.
Look, I’m not about to sit here and bash all the celebrities who thought they could somehow make things better by singing “Imagine” at us poor folk.
These Twitter users already did a great job of that.
We’ve lost our sense of LOL.
I can’t remember the last time I actually typed “lol” because I was genuinely laughing or found something funny.
It just finds its way into risky texts or emails to help lighten the mood when things get too heavy.
I’m not ready.
I know it’s this unspoken thing right now, but I don’t think everyone needs to acknowledge it yet.
And I’m also not ready to admit every secret you tell me is a secret you tell my mom.
That’s it.
“At least it’s not snowing” is another super popular response.
You monsters.
Your impatience is one thing, but your total neglect for other people’s sanity is just unacceptable.
It’s one button , people!
Everything’s coming together.
The hope. The optimism . What is it about face masks that makes us feel like nothing bad is going to happen and our lives are going to just suddenly start getting better?
Why don’t we ever talk about this?
In college, if you need to go to the bathroom you just go and it’s this unspoken understanding between you and your prof that you’re going to come back afterwards.
In elementary, middle, and high school, your teacher could straight up say you’re not allowed to go pee during math class. And you’d have to sit your ass back down again .
It all makes sense now.
Karen’s go-to baby names are as follows: Kyle , Chad, Wyatt, and their-husband’s-name-the-second.
Don’t even get me started on the girl names.
And they would *time you*.
People are realizing this now, but I was already aware of this nonsense in high school.
That’s why your girl got her PE credit by taking health class all four years instead.
Show me the justice.
Men don’t have a six-step nighttime and daytime skincare routine. They rub the same bar of soap on their face that they use to wash the rest of their body and then come out of the shower with the clearest skin you ever did see.
Why didn’t anyone tell me?
Now that I’m old and poor, I can’t help but think back on all my pointless spending — the Tamagotchi I saved up to buy in elementary school, the time I went to see Spy Kids 3D in theaters, any gumball I ever paid a machine for.
If only I’d known what was coming.
It’s the little victories.
Did we show up in pajama pants without any make up on and our hair unwashed while eating a half-frozen breakfast burrito? Yes . But by God, we still showed up. And that’s got to count for something.
I’d do *certain things* for you, not everything.
This is so true though. I’ve always been grateful that I’m a universal blood donor because if any of my siblings need blood, I can be the one to give it to them.
But if you think I’m about to lend them my headphones, you’re insane.
The possibilities are endless.
Long weekends were made for unjustified optimism. You’re saying I have three days off? That’s almost four days which is almost five days which is practically an entire week! I’ll finally get my life together!
Or I’ll sit on the couch for three days watching Netflix and then suddenly have to go back to work.
Never.
People who are doing any sort of a diet never do it silently. We all have to know that Aunt Kathy just started keto and we all get to follow her on this journey that will last a week and a half before she quits.
Just wait, it’ll happen.
Men will also tell you they aren’t ready for anything serious after introducing you to their entire family, taking you out for dinner, and making you believe they are, in fact, ready for something serious.
I need that kind of kick.
I’m glad it wasn’t just my high school that had theater kids who spent every morning before the bell running around the school with an unprecedented amount of energy as they “warmed up” for first period drama class.
Meanwhile all the first period PE kids were asleep in the cafeteria.
This was my entire childhood.
I was one of four siblings. Which means that whenever it came time to play a game together, my older brother declared himself first player, and the three of us were left to fight to the death so we didn’t end up stuck being player four.
I was always player four.
I’m glad I finally woke up.
I love thinking back on all my unrequited high school crushes and realizing that my Prince Charmings were all disgusting 15 year old boys who couldn’t drive yet and who shoved loose papers into their backpacks like maniacs .
This definitely explains my experience with tubing.
I’m not saying every man wanted to send innocent children flying into the damn abyss the second they got behind the wheel of a boat with a tube attached to the back of it.
But I’m also not not saying that.
