Marriage is a real leap of faith. Most people wind up getting hitched eventually, but until you’re in a marriage , it’s hard to know what it’ll be like. Many of us don’t even get much of a glimpse from our own parents , so it’s worth hearing from other married folks what it’s really like.
The r/AskReddit thread, “What’s something you wish unmarried people knew?” is a fantastic source of insights into being married.
Like is more important than love.
“I tell my husband often that he’s my favourite person in the world. Even when we disagree, I like him. Even when we argue, I love him. He makes me laugh, smile, feel safe and wanted, and all I can do for the rest of my life is hope my actions make him feel the same way. As phoebe would say, he’s my lobster.”
Don’t rush.
“Do not rush into marriage, and make sure you have multiple serious talks about everything (few examples: religion, family, friends, goals for near future, goals for future, plan for kids, lifestyle, housing, retirement.)
“The reason I say multiple talks is because people grow or change the longer they are with each other.”
– u/Jim105
Others shouldn’t set the rules.
“I watched this absolutely speed up the destruction of my sisters marriage. Her MIL had a ridiculous amount of control over things and her husband didn’t want to be in the middle so he would plug his ears and walk away.”
Seriously, set your own rules.
“Standing in the wings at my wedding with the preacher he told me it was time for ‘the talk.’ I kind of laughed thinking it was a sex joke…from an 80 year old Baptist preacher. Nope, the talk was him telling me the definition of my marriage was between me and my wife. Forget what your parents have, or your neighbors, or what the bible tells you. He literally said ‘Your only job now is find each others happiness. The rest is just BS.'”
Find what works for you.
“We can sometimes forget that, just because it works well in our own life, doesn’t mean it will work for others.
“When you’re a young couple, dozens of older couples are going to tell you what works for them. The best thing to do is understand that it’s coming from a place of caring, and some will be good advice, but you’ve got to just find what works for you.”
Support their interests.
“I’d also like to add to support your partners solo interests too. My wife didn’t play/enjoy video games (until very recently and even not very little) but would still let me chill and play because it’s something I enjoy. On the other side I’m not into the cheesy romance novels she loves to read, it I’ll still ask her how the book is and listen when she wants to talk about it cause it’s what she likes. Support their interests too!”
Be friends.
“My spouse and I often call each other our best friends. We enjoy doing so much together. That is not to say we enjoy the same hobbies. We have some very different hobbies too. Some of my favorite things she has no interest in at all. That’s ok. We have a good balance of doing things together. And doing them apart. But we have fun doing lots of things. Often things that themselves aren’t fun.”
Go on a road trip.
“Decided I was going to marry my girlfriend after our first road trip together (I’ve been on plenty of bad ones) 1 year into dating. It was the single most fun adventure (13 hours each way) I’ve ever had in my life. No radio. No phones. We talked..the entire way. It was easily a recipe for disaster with the wrong person. We got back home and I had ordered the ring within the week.”
Be conscientious.
“Talk to your partner before you make decisions. I can’t even tell you how much [expletive] I get from my single friends when I tell them I’ll ‘check with my husband’ before agreeing to do something. Usually it’s just to make sure we don’t have something else going on that I forgot about, or maybe he wanted to do something and I haven’t brought it up. It’s not asking permission, it’s being conscientious of your partner.”
– u/IAmZot
You don’t need to share a bed.
“Also totally okay to sleep in separate beds or even separate rooms if that’s what works for you. I am not going to be a good partner if I got 4 hours of sleep because I was listening to him snore all night. Or if jobs require different sleeping schedules and you take awhile to get to sleep.”
People evolve.
“Your spouse is going to change. They will not be the same person you married 2, 5, 10, 20 years ago. Then once you’ve learned that, they will change again. Just like you will evolve and change as time goes by.
“Don’t be keyed in on the idea of the person you married on your wedding day. You need to understand how to grow with them and love them for who they are at that moment.”
Don’t make them your crutch.
“Part of why I started therapy was because I wanted to be a better partner and I didn’t want to rely on my husband to keep me together. It wasn’t fair to him, even though he was amazing and supportive. Obviously I still lean on him and can rely on him, but he’s not my crutch anymore and I can be there for him when he needs it now. Still working on my [expletive] though.”
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Brace for the tough times.
“Know that whatever the darkest part of your life you’ve previously experienced was, you are going to go through something equally or more dark, but with your partner. Having someone who will support you rather than leave you in that moment is pivotal.”
Don’t fight *all* the time.
“Fights/quarrels will happen, but nowhere near as frequently as media makes it out to be. My wife and I are so tired of shows and movies saying ‘we’re married so of course we’re going to fight. We have lots of fights ahead.’ Fighting is not a norm of being married. If you’re fighting a lot, that’s not good and isn’t a sign to get married just because fighting is ‘inevitable’, because it’s not.”
Honesty is the best policy.
“Be honest always! Once you break trust, you never really get it back. Even if that honesty might cause some momentary discomfort, in the long run you’re better off because your spouse will trust you.
“Also, never put yourself in a position where cheating is an option. Your single friends will never value your marriage as much as you do.”
Keep that engine going.
“Never stop working at it. Just because you’re married means you can go on autopilot. People get bored and when they’re bored and dealing with finances and children is when they consider opting out.
“Doesn’t need to constantly be one ups or new toys. Small notes if your first up and out to work. Flowers or chocolates. Small acts of service have always gotten my partner’s engine going.”
Don’t vent too much.
“Don’t go venting your problems to your group of friends. It paints your spouse in bad light, even once the problem has been resolved. There are two of you in a relationship, keep it that way”
It isn’t a cure for loneliness.
“People still need friendships and other relationships outside of just with their spouse. They can’t take care of every emotional need you have. I’ve known many people who ignore those outside relationships when they get married and later regret it.”
They’re not your therapist.
“An issue is expecting your spouse to be your everything. It is a balance. You should be able to talk to your spouse about anything but be careful about using them as a therapist. It puts too much emotional burden on them.”
Help out on their bad days.
“Marriage can’t always be 50/50. People have hard days and can’t always manage everything. Some days might be 60/40 and others might be 20/80. Some days you’ll need more help and other days your spouse will need support. Part of being married is being there for the other person when they can’t be there for you on occasion.”
