Sex tips…you win some, you lose some. But uh…mostly, actually, you just lose some.
See, sex tips coming from public platforms rarely work out, especially if you find them in magazines.
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Guys, it’s about to get weird in here. Bring all the cringe gifs you have.
Introduce donuts
Donuts have holes…so…theoretically…
Anyway. Yeah. Cosmo wants you to put a donut around a penis and then, like, slowly eat it off.
But bonus, at least you get to eat a donut?
Slap him
“Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles.” Yeah, just slap him. Sure.
Do not do this
According to Men’s Health: “Can’t take your eyes off her nearly-see-through dress? Don’t — she’s scantily clad for a reason.”
Do not stare at women and make them feel uncomfortable, let alone sexualize them. Especially if she’s not your partner. Thanks!
Sneeze
Get snot involved! That’s sexy, right? Like why do “similar” to an orgasm when you can just…have one? “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.”
Push it
“Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you’re pushing his penis into his body).”
???
I guess just try and shove it back, for some reason I don’t want to know.
Just literally give him burns
Cosmo says you should give your partner a reward if they correctly answer a quiz about you, and punish them by dripping candle wax on their bare skin if they get it wrong.
That sounds physically and emotionally healthy for a relationship.
Mix it up
If you need to mix it up, Buzzfeed also recommends varying your masturbation positions.
Some of their suggestions: Standing, lying down, dancing, eating, kneeling, and planking. Sure, go ahead and do that one-handed while planking.
Restrain her I guess
“While you’re rolling around in bed, wrap her up in the sheet so she can’t do anything with her arms (think burrito or straightjacket).” Great for those days when you wanna roleplay as burritos.
Utilize a fork
Because the thing you need to add to your sex life is an element of danger, right?
Right.
Apparently, you should use a fork to place pressure on different parts of your partner’s body. I…I don’t know, guys. Idk about this one. Maybe if you’re King Triton?
Invest in non-toxic sharpies
“[…] write her name on your shoulder, your hand, or anyplace she’ll have a chance of spotting it. It’s a tattoo without pain—one that gives only pleasure.” Or could nab you a restraining order, idk.
Cool her down
“In hot weather, roll a chilled can of soda along the backs of her thighs.” Okay, first of all, all this is going to do is make a perfectly good soda warm.
Second of all, this was under a “massage” suggestion. Like, sure, it’d feel nice to be cool, but how does this even turn a person on?
Warm her up
Conversely, if you wanna get warm: “turn winter gloves inside out, put them on, and massage her with the soft side.” I…or like? Just get a soft blanket? A scarf? Anything that isn’t inside-out winter gloves your sweaty hands have been in?
Literally turn your partner into a loofah
Can’t find a washcloth? Need to turn you girl on at the same time? Problem solved.
“Fill the tub with 5 inches of hot water, then pour more foaming bath gel onto your bellies, chests, and legs. Have her lie on top of you and use her body as a scrub brush.”
Get some cling wrap
So apparently you can “mute sensations” by wrapping your chest and groin in tight plastic wrap and then having someone touch you through the plastic.
Um…is this or is this not just becoming a human condom?
Do as the mice do
“The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet —and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a ‘junk food diet,’ according to a new study out of MIT.”
If I had to read it, you have to read it.
Jewelry
“Lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. […] Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation.”
Please don’t ruin a perfectly good set of pearls with lube. Please.
Be a dog
“If you’re out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you’ve blown it.” I’m speechless.
Hit him!
“Use the back of a hairbrush to swat his thighs lightly when he steps out of the shower – wet skin is more sensitive than dry.”
There you go, just straight up surprise him fresh out of the shower by hitting him with a brush. That’s sexy.
Hiss hiss
Be a snake.
Just uh, be a whole snake. “Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse.”
Straight up dumbo him
So get into this one: “As you’re riding him, clamp down on his earlobes with your fingers, and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward.” Just turn your partner into Dumbo and have fun?
Make yourself really uncomfortable
“Have him lay you down on a piece of clothing embellished with studs. The hard little knobs will press against your skin in a way that awakens every nerve.” Yeah just lay down on some sharp stuff and endure it. Ugh, the genius of it all.
Professor Wankerton
PROFESSOR WANKERTON.
Hang on. Here: “Lie across an ottoman and tell him, ‘Professor Wankerton, I’ve been bad and I need a spanking.’”
PROFESSOR WANKERTON? IS COSMO OKAY? Guys, I know I’m yelling, but seems warranted.
Hot tips
Men’s Health is UP on what real science is: “Hold her gaze for a minute. If she’s blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there’s a good chance she’s on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32 percent more than those who aren’t.”
Please don’t take any tips at all from Men’s Health.
