We are often told that to keep a relationship healthy you need to be absolutely truthful with your significant other . But as it turns out, that’s not always the case. In fact, some people swear that keeping a few things to yourself is actually a lot better.
So when a recent Reddit thread asked, “What things should be kept private from your SO, no matter how healthy your relationship is?” the answers were quite interesting. Let’s take a look at them together.
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This Solid Advice
“No matter how healthy a relationship is, there’ll always come a time where you have resentful thoughts of your spouse. Those should be kept to yourself, as most of them pass quickly. The only time you should share them is if they’re persisting in some behavior that is hurting you, and then it should be done calmly and not in the heat of the moment. For instance, if you got home from work tired to find your spouse binge-watching a TV show, but the sink is full of dirty dishes, the impulse may be to lace into them. Don’t. Go ahead and do the dishes, and tomorrow, when that initial flash of anger has passed, discuss the issue.
People say arguments can be healthy in a relationship, but it all comes down to how you argue. Spouses, at least if they’re good ones, know intimate details about you, your past, and how you think and feel. This gives them weapons to hurt you, and it may be tempting to use such weapons when angry. But if you know your spouse has a sore spot about their dad, and you say in anger ‘this is why your dad never loved you’, you have permanently damaged your relationship. And that damage builds up over time. Successful relationships survive because people rein themselves in at that moment. Even when they’re angry, they don’t want to inflict wounds like that. So whenever the impulse arises to use those weapons in anger, resist the temptation! You may forget what you did quickly, but they won’t.”
I couldn’t agree more with this.
This Wrong Advice
“‘Never go to bed angry’ is the WORST advice. I’m so often angry for reasons that have nothing at all to do with my partner, to begin with! Hormones, a bad day at work, I’m hangry, I’m actually mad at someone else who isn’t at hand…or (ding ding) I’m actually tired and need to go to bed! It doesn’t solve anything to talk about it when I’m in the throes of anger or frustration. It is always better to wait until I can sort out my feelings, process which ones are appropriate and worthy of expressing, and then say them to my partner at the right moment. I’m not perfect btw, this is definitely something I’m still trying to improve on, but it’s the best thing therapy taught me. It made me a better partner.”
Wow, how many times have you had people say that to you but this makes so much more sense, no?
This Criticism
“Criticism of any kind just be careful with. I have a family member who tends to be very critical of his wife, and I can just see how it erodes her confidence and their bond. In front of people is even worse, but even in private, telling your partner there is something wrong with them should be rare and only when it’s actually important.”
I totally get that.
This Sweet Lie
“A couple of years ago we found a pigeon in our garden that had broken its wing. My wife loves all animals so instantly named it Eric. We took it to a local vet and they said they would take care of it. I emailed them a couple of weeks later as my wife wanted to check in on it. I got an email back saying it had to be put down because its wing had broken. This would have upset my wife so I doctored the email reply and made it out like it had been released. For two years after that my wife was convinced that a pigeon that came to our garden was Eric. We have moved since and she thinks another one is Eric. I will never let her know the reality of poor Eric the OG.”
Aww!
This Agreement To Disagree
“My wife and I have been married for 40 years, and over time, you just naturally learn what topics to avoid and what issues you will just have to agree to disagree on. My wife and I are of different religions: I’m basically agnostic, and she is fairly religious. I have just learned over time that she is not going to change her feelings about her religion to suit me, so I have no other choice but to just accept it. Basically, we rarely discuss religion because there is usually no need to.”
I think that’s a great strategy.
These Little Details
“Sometimes, no matter how attractive your partner is to you and no matter how much you love them, there is an aspect to them that is unchangeable but that you find gross or annoying or just generally less than attractive. Clogged nose pores, a laugh that sounds like a muppet, big toenails that just look a little bit weird, or that single long hair growing from inside their ear that just keeps coming back no matter what they do. If it’s going to make them feel insecure or unloved, this is something you should just keep to yourself.”
Ha, ha, I love that.
These Boundaries
“In a relationship, you learn each other’s weak points and vulnerabilities, and using them against your partner is a boundary that, once you cross it, you can’t come back from. Once you make someone feel like they can’t trust you with their vulnerable self, your relationship is on its way out.”
This is sad but true.
These Annoying Habits
“Also annoying little habits. My BF has a nervous habit of patting his body rhythmically, like doing a hambone or some damned thing. It’s supremely annoying. But it’s harmless, and I have my own share of little tics that must be annoying. No need to open the door on that. In fact, one reason (of many) I declined to become romantically involved with a friend was that he always told me to stop twiddling my hair. It didn’t bother him exactly, but he just assumed that all nervous habits should be eliminated. No thanks, I’ll decide for myself what self-improvements I want to make.”
Amen!
These Private Sessions
“Your psychologist/therapy sessions. I had an ex that used to demand I tell him what I talked about in my sessions and it was super uncomfortable. With my current partner we are both in therapy and if it’s a phone session the other goes to a different room. If we want to talk about something we told the psych or something we will tell our psych at the next appointment we do, but I would never ask, and nor would he. We might ask ‘how did it go?’ To which the other may say ‘it was good’ or ‘it was emotionally draining’, but that’s as far as it should go. (These are personal sessions, not couples therapy, we’re not in that).”
This is absolutely the right move.
This Separateness
“I recently came to believe that perfect, complete, total intimacy is not that great for relationships. Esther Perel wrote that ‘eroticism requires separateness,’ and if you don’t have something that is just yours, you lose that. And you are probably kidding yourself about the totality of intimacy anyway. Share what you feel like sharing. Accept what your partner feels like sharing. You are entitled to your partner’s respect and affection (if you hold up your end), but you are not entitled to their every thought. You are two separate people building something together. But you are still separate.”
Hmm, I actually like that a lot.
This Truth
“The unkind [stuff] you think when you’re angry and tired, it will absolutely never help at all to say any of it out loud and even if you don’t have a particularly big fight or break up over it you’ll still regret it and they’ll still remember. Possibly also what you think about how hot other people are, depending on how jealous/insecure your SO is.”
There’s no reason to say stuff like that out loud. It won’t help but do the opposite and you’ll regret it later.
This Realization
“People seldom understand that the longer you are with someone you love, the MORE you need kindness, compassion, and discretion. You know too much about each other that can be weaponized.”
True dat.
This Little Secret
“It’s probably best not to mention how their family annoys you unless it is a really harmful thing.”
Oh, my! I bet many people can relate to that, huh? If you can’t change anything about the situation then it’s best to keep it to yourself.
This Interesting Phenomenon
“My dad has mentioned a few times that in their 40+ years of marriage, he’s never gone in her top dresser drawer or purse.”
“As a woman, I really don’t get the purse thing. I have absolutely nothing private in there lol. At my job men always say that ‘Oh I’ll let her do it, I NEVER go in her purse’ and tbh the woman always seems a little annoyed because she has to do it herself (hospital setting, she doesn’t feel good). Idk if it is a generational thing or purses are mysterious to most men or what, but I have also asked my boyfriend for something specific out of my purse and he will just bring me the whole thing lol. What do you think we have in there??”
Ha, ha!
This Sensitive Subject
“My wife is sensitive about animals, so anytime I see/read some sort of tragedy related to an animal, I hide it from her.”
Aww, that’s so sweet, no? I think it’s instinctual to want to protect our partners from harm and I find that so endearing.
This Funny Secret
“My steady supply of jokes. I set up my android to send me a joke every night at 5 p.m. and I tell it to my husband later on, before I jump in the shower. He always asks where I’m getting this stuff from and I just laugh and shut the bathroom door. I would like him to continue thinking of me as this endless joke fairy for the rest of our lives.
Oh my goodness, that’s hilarious, no?
This Childbirth Lie
“If she poops on the table while birthing your child…no she didn’t!”
OMG! I’m practically dying from laughter here. Yes, I wholeheartedly agree. Never tell her that, or she’ll feel embarrassed forever. Keep that little secret to yourself if you know what’s good for you.
This Secret Stash
“That I know you keep a secret stash of chocolate in the Tampax box. Not my business?”
Wow, that’s a good hiding spot. I wonder how the husband discovered that? I mean, most men would rather die than open a box of feminine products, ha, ha.
Oh my gosh!
Weren’t these comments insightful, or what? I have to say I agree with most of the people who said these are things you should keep from your partner. There’s no sense in upsetting them if you don’t have to. Those little secrets won’t damage your relationship but make it stronger in the end. Do you agree with that?
