A s*x therapist who’s been in the field for about twenty years recently shared some key advice on things couples should avoid in the bedroom. Vanessa Marin, based in California, took to social media to talk about four important things that could really make a difference in a relationship.
Talking about her own marriage, Vanessa — known as @vanessandxander online — said, “For Xander and me, it took years to figure out what a truly supportive, compassionate, and accountable relationship looked like.”
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“Remember, you and your partner are a team. Work together to create a bond that feels more caring and connected.”
In her video, she pointed out four big mistakes couples often make and encouraged people to be kind to both themselves and their partners.
Don’t expect one partner to always initiate intimacy
Vanessa explained she would never assume her husband should always be the one to initiate s*x just because “he’s the man.”
“No way,” she said.
Research has actually shown that a lot of men enjoy it when their partner takes the lead. Plus, many women want to initiate s*x more than they actually do.
According to Wonderlust, social, cultural, and even biological reasons often hold women back from being the one to make the first move.
Never pressure your partner if they’re not in the mood
Another thing Vanessa mentioned is that she would never push her partner into having s*x if he wasn’t feeling up for it.
Libido naturally goes up and down from day to day. Making someone feel bad about not wanting s*x is a big mistake.
Don’t keep quiet about what you want
Vanessa also talked about how she never stays silent about what she wants in the bedroom just to avoid hurting her partner’s feelings.
“Be sure to discuss new boundaries and expectations with your partner in a patient, respectful, and intentional way, and go slow! Don’t expect transformative change overnight,” she explained.
Studies suggest that couples who openly communicate about their desires and preferences tend to be more satisfied with their s*x life compared to those who don’t talk about it.
Don’t react negatively to performance issues
Another big mistake? Reacting badly when a partner faces performance problems.
Vanessa said she never makes it about herself. Things like “crying,” “pouting,” or assuming her partner isn’t attracted to her are not the way to handle it.
Erectile dysfunction is actually really common — more than half of men between 40 and 70 experience it at some point.
A study by Superdrug found that 23% of women with partners who had ED thought it was somehow their fault. Around 14% said it hurt their confidence.
On the flip side, 60% of women said it didn’t affect their relationship at all.
At the end of the day, healthy intimacy is about respect, communication, and understanding. Nobody’s perfect, but making small changes can make a big difference in your relationship.
Last Updated on January 29, 2025 by Reem Haqqi
