Most of us are at least somewhat tuned in to red flags in potential partners . But what about red flags in the people we might not necessarily be romantically interested in?
That’s the topic of a recent r/AskReddit post , which flips the script by asking men about some of the more subtle red flags in men that women might want to be made aware of.
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Let’s start things off with a positive.
“A green flag to look for is long term friendships. Long term friends require good communication skills and emotional intelligence. It’s also a pretty good indicator that they’re willing to compromise for someone’s emotional needs.”
Gotta do something with that ‘roid rage.
“A friend of mine dated a guy who apparently everyone wanted to fight.
At the gym. ‘This guy over here want to throw down.’
At a mall. ‘Those guys look like they want to get hit.’
At the grocery store. ‘This dude is looking at me like he wants to go outside.’
No Steve. No one feels like fighting you. You are just on steroids.”
– u/m0c0
Everyone needs to focus on themselves sometimes.
“As someone who is VERY guilty of this: focusing a ton on you and your needs, but hardly paying attention to their own. Someone like this can come across as sweet, selfless, and caring, but they’re actually avoiding their own problems to focus on yours.
You’re not a partner to them, you’re a distraction, and even they themselves may not realize it.”
Can he say something that isn’t implausible?
“If anything happens to him and he always shifts blame to someone else, or something else, or the situation, that is a big red flag. Sooner or later everything will be your fault.
Also, if their story, complaint, rant, or explanation sounds too one sided, (again unable to take blame themselves) they are lacking empathy… red flag.”
It’s a trap hidden in plain sight.
“When he says, ‘don’t worry about working, I’ll take care of you,’ does he mean it’s ok FOR NOW or does he mean he low key doesn’t want you to have the means to leave if/when things go bad? There is a huge difference between support and sabotage but they come in a similar looking package sometimes.”
His way or the highway.
“When you have to cater to his needs/wants over your own with no compromise. It can be something as only watching shows that he wants or doing things only he wants to do or ordering takeout that only he likes.”
There has to be more to his life.
“When he looks to you as his sole source of happiness, entertainment.
This usually means that they lack the ability to manage their own emotions or have healthy coping mechanisms. In addition, if you are in it for the long term, there will be times that you will get sick of each other and a guy needs some hobbies that can take his attention away to give you space. This can be an open door for manipulation.”
– u/Xdsin
Basically admitting he’s already lost the argument.
“If they verbally attack you in an argument rather than discuss the issue.
If they constantly [trash] talk other guys.”
“They also probably can’t win the argument otherwise. Every SO I’ve ever had who would do this were also some of the worst debaters I’ve ever known. Like even when they were right, they didn’t use any logic at all when arguing with me.”
Nothing like a guy who blames his exes.
“Blaming their childhood on treating you and others like rubbish.”
“Had an ex that would always blame his exes for why they went wrong and went as far as calling his recent ex a slut because she would want him to watch their son to have me time. I ignored so many flags from that dude. Crazy.”
Deeds, not words.
“I’m coming in late but this is something I’ve tried to teach all my daughters. Men will show you how they feel with their actions. If they say they care, but don’t put in the effort, listen to the actions. Not the words. Good advice for dating but also good advice for life really.”
Just speak plainly, please.
“Many many men only know how to ‘relationship flirt.’ They will say things like ‘I’m looking for something long term’ when really they just want to hook up.”
“I hated that back when I was still dating. Just be honest! I had no issues with just hooking up but don’t lie to me.”
– u/Sahri
He is who he is.
“This one is extremely obvious, yet I’ve seen dozens of women still make the same mistake:
If he’s rude, selfish and possessive before you’re dating, he will NOT change once you start dating.
I don’t know why so many women think that a man will ‘have an epiphany’ and become better once they get in a relationship.”
“I hate drama” actually means “I love drama.”
“When someone is declaring multiple times they are not a certain way without prompt, they are actually that way.”
“It’s kind of amazing how many people give themselves away in this fashion.
I’m probably certainly not immune to it either, I’m human after all.
I think it’s something we can only see in other people, and not in ourselves.
It’s so interesting to witness it.”
They say ‘no means no’ for a reason.
“When they don’t respect the word no, even in the most benign of circumstances.”
“As above so below… most people are nice enough to be consistent with their personalities, how they act with little stuff is how they will act with big stuff.”
No one likes a know-it-all.
“If they behave like they know everything. Change is certainly not their cup of tea.”
“Thanks for the validation. Went on a date a couple of nights ago and this very thing was really bugging me about the guy. He had all the definitive answers to everything and seemed really irritated if I spoke on a subject I was well versed on and he wasn’t. Very awkward conversation.”
Passionate, but also unhinged.
“If he starts throwing tantrums over petty things, there is worse on the horizon. He’s not passionate, he’s unstable.”
“I broke up with my ex because he had a full on tantrum because of a boardgame. They were playing Civilisation, he declared a truce with another player, went on to aggressively attack the other players, then completely freaked out because the player he had a truce with spent turns building up and then attacked him while he was over committed on the board. He legit tried to throw the guy out of the game store that he (my ex) no longer worked for and ban him for life. I was grateful, because it finally opened my eyes as to what a child he was.”
Don’t expect the effort level to suddenly go up.
“If a guy is doing the minimum of what you want in a long term relationship at the beginning, it’s going to be well below your standards after a few years.
I would expect about half of what you see in the first year.”
They might change, but don’t count on it.
“This goes for both genders, but don’t date someone under the assumption that they’ll change something fundamental about themselves. Not fair to either of you.”
“People changing are like miracles, they do happen. But to depend on one is a bit much.”
Next level gaslighting.
“When he immediately puts himself down the moment you try to discuss any kind of issue as a way to stop discussion. Especially if he does it in an angry fashion.
He doesn’t have a self esteem problem, he’s trying to manipulate/disarm you into letting it slide by feeling bad for him instead of fixing the problem. If you realize you always come out of important discussions feeling like the [jerk], dissect that feeling.”
Accountability is huge.
“Any aversion to taking responsibility.
The older I get the more I find that the men I respect most aren’t the ones with great achievements to theirs names, but rather the ones who aren’t afraid to own their [stuff].”
